A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 8 years, we have 2 children together. When our eldest started school he became friends with a boy in his class and it turned out that the boy's mum is a former workmate of my husband. Very soon after we discovered this there was a massive change in my husband's behaviour; he went from sitting in the car whilst I took our son into school to rushing out to talk to this lady. there were points where he would be in such a hurry to catch up to her that he would race off ahead without me and our children. soon he was taking any excuse to spend time with her, they became gym buddies, she complained about her partner all the time and he kept paying her compliments because she was so down. He kept advising her to leave him. We went through a rough patch at this point which he would complain to her about, even though it was caused by his attitude towards her, I was really upset with how he was acting and called him on it several times but he denied anything was up and said that he was acting no differently than he would with a male friend.It all came to a point where he confessed his feelings to her one evening and she knocked him back. My husband refused to tell me what was wrong and insisted that it was a minor falling out. Eventually he told me what had been said that night but insisted that nothing happened and that he still loves me. I tried to kick him out that night, but he made a half-arsed attempt to start packing and then a month later still 'looking for a house' he unpacked.This was 2 years ago now and I still don't know how to feel. Part of me still loves him. I'm also aware that splitting up would be devastating to our children. However, I feel disgusted with him for his actions and myself for letting him stay. Also I feel betrayed and unable to trust him. I accept that he didn't physically cheat this time, but who can say that it won't happen in the future? In the time since this happened I have become more withdrawn from him, affection and intimacy is really a struggle. He has asked me a few times how he can make things right between us but I honestly have no idea. How can we rebuild this? Or should I move on when the trust is so badly gone? My gut says go he has no respect for you and my mind says stay he's a fundamentally good man who made a dumb mistake. Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2020): Trust is what holds a relationship together. You have a tough time forgiving your husband; because he kept lying about his actions that clearly contradicted what he said. What made matters worse, was every-time you observed his behavior it chiseled-away at your trust. Until finally your suspicions were confirmed.
Those who cheat have the momentary-opportunity to run it all through their minds before executing their plan. It wasn't like they were possessed by an evil-spirit and were totally helpless and under a spell. It was willful and deliberate. Excuses and "I'm sorry's" don't heal these kind of wounds overnight! You don't stay married to a person you can't forgive either.
This is a profound lesson to others reading your post about how easy it is to destroy trust; and how difficult it is to gain it back once it's lost. Betrayal of trust is a lot more serious than people want to realize, or may comprehend; because selfishness dims and dulls their conscience. They'll grapple with it mentally for awhile; but at some point, they become desensitized by selfishness and entitlement. Lying becomes easy. Once lying becomes your way of covering your behavior; you'll never really stop doing it. People do things they know to be wrong; but they don't want to deal with the consequences. They'll convince themselves they can do it, and getaway with it! Sometimes you do, and most of the time you don't!!!
You've built-up resentment for your husband. You feel he deserves punishment; and that makes forgiveness seem foolish and unsatisfying. It seems, he gets-off scot-free...so what's there to stop him from doing it again? Considering the consequences is usually a deterrent, and might serve to avert or delay your actions. Too often you might convince yourself you'll weasel your way out of them. It just seems that some things you can't find a suitable way to get adequate vindication. Nothing said or done soothes your broken-heart, or extinguishes the burn of betrayal of your trust!
Resentment is now corroding your feelings towards your husband; even if he may be sincerely trying to atone for the pain he has caused you. Sometimes, it takes years. Too many years! It might speed things up, and put you on that track; if you both went into marriage-counseling. Or you can pass, and divorce the sorry so-in-so!
If this is a first-offense, and there isn't any history or evidence of prior violations; I think having a marriage-counselor present will help guide and referee your communication. Hence you will both expose suppressed inner-feelings you can't seem to open-up to each-other.
Coaching and mediation through a good marriage-counselor allows both parties to get their chance to explain their feelings and reasoning behind them. Otherwise it is hard, if not impossible, being that vulnerable and exposed to the person who killed your trust. You feel hurt and vengeful. You want a pound of flesh!
It almost seems as by letting someone know how badly they've hurt you; it's like giving them too much power over your feelings. You want so badly to make them feel your pain ten times worse! You want to crush and destroy them!!! Yet at the same-time, pride makes you feel you're exposing too much of yourself. If you can't receive the kind of remorseful-reaction you need; that might make you feel even worse! The truth is, holding-on to your bitterness and resentment is consuming you. You need to let it all out; and he needs to hear it. Doing it for yourself, is just as important as keeping your marriage for the sake of your children! Children can survive divorces; but YOU also have to survive the marriage, if it continues.
Arguments and screaming through your emotions doesn't get your point across. You harbor too much resentment, and you're internalizing so much pain; you're going to make yourself sick. Using the kids as your buffer will make you bottle-up so much anger; one-day you will totally lose-it! You will forget yourself, and everything you've been holding-back is going to explode! That won't be pretty!
Forcing yourself to submit to sex will begin to feel like rape. You can't forgive him, and you can't divorce him; so you need professional-counseling to help you come to terms. It may not save the marriage, but it might save you!
You need to have an intense-discussion, and get some closure to this horrific-incident in your marriage. Even if it doesn't save the marriage; you need to let it go and move-on from it. You don't know how to convey to him how much he has hurt you. He doesn't seem to grasp the magnitude or the impact the betrayal has had on your trust, and how it has broken your heart. No matter how hard you try, you may never be able to forget this. You just need to speak your truth. The truth will set you free!
Cheaters have to exercise a certain amount of their own "self-forgiveness." They do feel guilt and remorse; but it is somewhat anesthetized, because its hard to perceive yourself as a terrible-person. Even when everyone has told you are; and you've done terrible things! They've got to live with themselves and their deeds. They can't turn-back the hands of time; and it's human to want to be forgiven for our mistakes. No matter how serious the damage, or how much pain it caused. Even if you divorce him, you've got to get-over it and move on. How long can you keep doing what you're doing? Feeling disgusted with sex, unable to stand the sight of him, always reliving the memories? You've got to get this out of your system; so you can be a good-mom and a loving-person again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your husband.
It's ugly.
From what I understood, when he confessed to that woman that he loved her, she refused his advances, meaning that if she hadn't he would have left you. This makes you a consolation prize, somebody he wound up with because his first option was not available.
I'm sorry for being so direct, but this is what it boils down to.
What bothers me is the way he treated you from the moment she came into the picture. He cared more about what she thought of him than you. This can mean that he either thought that he had you where he wanted you (you would never leave) or he didn't care if you actually decided to leave. And that's a horrible place to be.
This points to the possibility that even before her he was not fully committed to you. Maybe he once was, but for some reason he stopped.
When you describe how he confessed, I do not see a man trying to own up to his mistake, giving you space to make up your own mind but still doing everything he can to prove to you that he loves you and that he has learned his lesson. I see a heartbroken boy looking for a friendly shoulder to cry on.
I understand that you were in shock and that it was hard to deal with everything. But it's never too late.
It's completely understandable that you have problems trusting him. Why would you trust him? Had this woman wanted him, you two would have been divorced, sharing custody of your kids.
It's a personal decision you have to make. I would like to think that I would kick my partner out in your situation.
Have you tried therapy?
Has he done anything to try rebuild your trust in him?
One other thing, you say he didn't physically cheat. That may be true, but only because she didn't want him.
You must have that in mind. You have your husband now only because that woman didn't want him. She enjoyed his attention, probably fully aware that he was interested in her. She was probably toying with him...
Put yourself first. Kids suffer in a bad marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): He didn't physically cheat perhaps but he sure as hell emotionally cheated. What did he hope would happen when he told her his feelings for her? Do you think that if she had reciprocated his feelings, that he would be with you now? Or setting up home with her?
I think the latter. He didn't care about how he made you feel when he would go running after her, in front of you, just as long as he got what he wanted, which was HER attention.
The reason he is with you now is because she doesn't feel the same way. All of which leaves you second-best and second-choice. Not somewhere I would wish to be in a marriage.
He's already shown you just how deep his feelings run regarding yourself. If I was you, I wouldn't wait until he found someone else to start running after. Good luck. And by the way, always trust your gut.
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