A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have an issue where I'm interested in two guys and I don't know what to do about it. The first guy we met on a night out (he's 21 and I am 18) and there was this instant thing between us, an attraction, but also we got along really well. We've been messaging since then for a few weeks. When we first met, later that night we made out and he wanted us to have sex, which turned me off a little since we'd known eachother for only a few hours, I'm not that girl. He said he respected that and we just cuddled for the rest of the night. The conversations via messaging flow really well, like I've known him way longer than I actually have. But then he'll respond to a msg several hours later. I get that he works long hours and may be busy but it only takes 10 seconds if that to just respond to a message after work. So now I've started thinking maybe he doesn't think as highly of me as he's been saying. He says he wants to see me again but he's really busy with work for the next few weeks. Which I understand, but does he just expect me to sit around waiting for a msg and not get to know other guys? That's unfair and I doubt he's doing the same for me. He basically said to me that we should have sex the next time, and then backed it up with this bulls*it story about really wanting to get to know me when I said I'm not ready to have sex with him. He knows I'm not a virgin (there's been one guy), but I'm still just not ready to just jumped into bed with someone I barely know. I like him, but I considered telling him we should just try being friends, then there aren't any expectations and he can do as he pleases and I don't have to care like I have been. We've barely spoken this week and I met someone new. He's 19 and he's really sweet and kind and a really good conversationalist. Best of all he doesn't leave me waiting hours or days for a message. We've only known eachother a few days but I feel like I already know him more than guy number one. He asked me out on a date so we went out yesterday and it was amazing. We talked for hours, we laughed and asked eachother questions. We had a few little cuddles and ended the date with a cuddle. We walked around for a while and occasionally stopped and he gave me the "I want to kiss you face". Then we'd just keep talking and walking. There was no pressure. I guess a part of me was a little frustrated because he didn't kiss me but I'm really glad that we took things slow and he said he wants to see me again. My first and second and third kiss meant nothing to me, one because I was drunk and the other two were just a little rushed. I've never had my *first* kiss, you know the one where you both really like eachother and nothing else seems to matter. I'm still waiting for that and hopefully I'll get it with this guy because I do really like him.My question is should I tell guy #1 that I don't want to see him again or just want to be friends? Should I give things a shot with guy#2? For a reason I can't really understand I like them both but I can't speak to two guys at the same time. I also feel like guy#1 isn't looking for a relationship, which I am. What did I do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 October 2017):
 Whenever you are interested in someone, take it slow.
Guy #1 isn't, so cut contact with him.
Guy #2 is, so give it a shot, but continue to take it slow. I'd advise against sexual contact beyond kissing until you've been official for a couple of months or so.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 October 2017):
 I really don't get why you are still hung up on guy #1. You have met a sweet guy who treats you well. He is not pressuring you to sleep with him. He is treating you with respect and spending time with you. Why are you not happy with that?
I'll tell you what I think guy #1's game is: he is backing off so you panic that he doesn't want you and offer him sex, which is what he is after. He likes playing mind games. DON'T fall for it because, if you do have sex with him, he will dump you anyway. He has you hooked because you are ALLOWING it. Be strong and walk away.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (22 October 2017):
 Good question but you already know the answer. You know that guy one is only interested in getting sex as soon as possible. You have already told him twice that you are not interested in that. You have already told him twice that you do not want to talk to him about that. It is a tiny step to tell him that you do not want to talk to him at all. You are not that girl who gets into sex before you are emotionally ready. You are also not that girl who hangs out hoping a Bad Boy will change his horn dog ways for you.
Now here is the real challenging part for you. You have chosen to date a nice guy who respects your decisions about taking things slow. You need to respect his decision not to rush into kissing, although you really want to lock lips with him. He is doing this because this is how he needs to limit physical interaction. It is not easy for women to respect nice guys. Just as it is your right to say no to early sex, it is his right to say no at an earlier stage of the physical relationship. If you respect him this may work out well for you. If you try to dictate the terms of the relationship, you will destroy in him the thing that attracts you.
If you can respect guy # 2 and agree together when both of you are ready for each physical interaction, you have a chance of achieving your goal of a relationship. That means mutual consent for cuddling (achieved), mutual consent for kissing (still pending), mutual consent for making out (not even being considered yet). But with a track record like that you will have the emotional connection that you want. You will get that meaningful first kiss, you will get the deep emotional connection that makes for long term relationships. And that relationship will be based on mutual respect. You will respect him, and he will respect you. Neither one will be using the other to achieve an agenda that the other is against.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2017):
 I think, despite what guy #1 is saying... he is looking for sex mainly. And the talking (or rather texting) has slowed down because you aren't falling for his words and jumping into bed. If he really respected the fact that you are not ready for sex he wouldn't bring up that you "should" have sex next time you see each other... I mean...
Yes, a person can be busy with work, but... finding time to grab a lunch/brunch or dinner, it's still there, yet he has chosen NOT to make room/take time for a date with you. Don't suggest "friendship". Just tell him you don't feel like there is a future here or like he has time to date you. (both which is fair enough) And then you BLOCK him. He isn't LOOKING to be your friend and you aren't looking for a friend. What would the point be in pretending to be friends? Would THAT be fair on guy #2? Not if you are looking to date guy #2.
Guy #2 wants to get to know you, wants to date you. And he isn't pushing for sex. So, personally? I'd stick with #2 and keep taking it slow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2017): Hi, it sounds like guy #2 is more of a gentleman and has BOYFRIEND potential written all over him. Guy #1, however, has potential player written all over him. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned but wanting sex on the first date says a lot about him. And how he sees you. There may be chemistry, and there always is with these guys (they use it as a tool to their advantage) but it looks like he's looking for an ongoing hook up.Good for you for spotting this. You are a very mature and level headed young woman who thinks a lot of herself. And you should. You know #1 is not for you. There is no doubt he will try having sex with all the girls he goes on dates with.#2 shows respect for you. That's so important. Here's a true story. When you talked about the kissing thing, I understand how frustrating it can be. My husband took a while 6 months to kiss me! I wondered if he liked me enough. But I thought he did if he kept going on dates with me! Lol Later, we would laugh about it. One of those stories we'd tell our kids. I asked him why the hold up? He said he liked me THAT much. That he was nervous and scared of doing something wrong! So, he was overwhelmed by his feelings and he knew I didn't have tons of experience so he was being respectful. I married the guy! In a world of pigs, he was one who stood out. Not saying marry #2 (unless it goes that way someday!) ... Just saying the keepers are always different. The guys who want sex are all over the place and they offer you nothing but a good time. If sex is all you want, go for it. But I suspect you are looking for more. Therefore #2 is more well suited to your wants/needs.I've been your age. All the guys who kissed on the first date and wanted sex right away were the ones I never saw again. And they were very quick to never see me again. It seems the minute you don't give them what they want, they suddenly become busy. They avoid you. They don't call etc. That's cause they see you as a waste of time and they are busy looking for the one that will have sex with them.Stick to your guns. Go for 2 and just ignore 1. You don't owe him anything. If he asks, tell the truth. But in the meantime, focus on what's ahead, not what's in the rearview.Good luck!
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