A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband moved out today. He didn't want to go.We have been married for ten years and it started out so brilliantly. He began complaining that I was in charge of the money so he took control of it. Then it was another thing and then another. He had strict rules for how things should be done and would ignore anything that I wanted done in a particular way. It was usually small things, like I wanted the cats to be fed on the floor and he wanted to feed them on the worksurface- so they were fed on the worksurface.He would get so angry that it was frightening and yet other times he could be so loving. We saw two counsellors, one for the initial assessment and the other for regular sessions. Both of them said he was abusive. Last night the counsellor asked me what lessons I was teaching my small daughter by locking her and me in the bedroom at night away from him.So today he has left and I should be relieved but I feel so sad and guilty. Should I ask him to come back? He says he loves me and will do whatever it takes to change.
View related questions:
money, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): This was my question. Thank you both for replying. I sort of knew what you were saying was the right thing anyway but it is hard to be confident in yourself at these times. My Mum is a strong believer in keeping a marriage together and so though she wants the best for me it is with that aim in mind. It really helps to hear other people say that I did the best thing. Thanks
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you and can understand that you have mixed emotions at this point and time; but "Tisha 1" gave you brilliant advice; do read it over and over a few times; yes it might be difficult for you to accept it all and to adjust being on your own; but it is in the best interest of you and your child.
Each day it will get a little better and as time goes by and you have peace of mind, you will realize that it was for the best.
You have nothing to be guilty about and PLEASE do not let him come back home at this stage; give him time to proof to work on his behaviour, he needs professional help and only if and when there is remarkable proof of success in his treatment should you even consider allowing him near you and your child.
Yes, it will be difficult, but you need to think of your child and yourself. Don't ruin her life in the process.
You will have to be strong for now, and not allow him back, no matter how difficult it might be; there is no future for you together if he has not had professional help and started changing; you will just be delaying the agony and every time making it more difficult on yourself and more confusing for your child.
Get friends and family to try and visit you and support you trough this very difficult time; you are strong and will be able to do what is best for you and your kiddo.
I am sure if he really cares he will understand that he needs help before he can be back in your lives.
Yes, you are in for a difficult time and will need lots of support. Always remember we are here for you.
Be strong and lots of hugs and SMILES.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 One more thing. Read this article, and pay close attention to #8.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 September 2008):
Hi, if two counselors told him he was abusive, then I'm pretty sure he's abusive. I personally wouldn't take him back into the house until I was 100% sure that he had been completely rehabilitated and that you and your daughter were safe. You have a responsibility to your daughter, as the counselor pointed out, and that should be your number one priority, making sure she's safe. If you allow him to move back in right now, I think that you'll be back where you were in fairly short order.
It may be that he does love you and may intend to change, but he has a kind of mental illness, being abusive, and this doesn't go away on its own.
I know you're feeling sad and guilty, but you're sad because he is no longer the man you fell in love with, and the marriage has turned sour. The guilt, well, I think it's misplaced, actually. I know that it's unfair to tell people what they should be feeling, as they have no control over this, but the guilt you're feeling is misdirected and misplaced. You should be feeling guilty that you've allowed your daughter to live with a man who is abusive. I want you to think about your priorities, as clearly and as logically as you can possibly manage.
You're on to a new phase of your life now, and things will of course be different. You'll need to be able to stand on your own two feet and be strong by yourself. So give it some time, don't succumb to his pleas right now. I believe many abusers make such pleas and perhaps they do mean to change, but I think it's a way of manipulating your emotions. Sorry for being so negative, but right now, you are better off. You'll realize that when you manage to get control of these jumbled emotions.
Good luck, and take care of your daughter and yourself.
...............................
|
