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female
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anonymous
writes: I need help. I'm happily married for 21 years and out of the blue I get an e-mail from my first love. He lives in Australia now and is also married buts wants to keep in contact. This has put a huge strain on me, cause he has woken up feelings that have been buried for 26 years. I love my husband very much (he knows he's been in touch, but not how I feel)Please someone help me!!!
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 In your mind the relationship with your ex is unresolved. If this is your first contact with him in 26 years, then your feelings are based on what you remember, not what is happening in the here and now... unless you think something is missing in your marriage.
Don't tell you husband about these feelings. Instead, probe these feelings for insight into your current relationships. Use these feelings to learn about your life in the here and now. It will take time, on the order of months perhaps. But the epiphanies you could experience will make the effort worthwhile. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): Don't do it. Of course this has awoken old feelings, that's what memories are. but they are not for today and they are not about the man you have shared your life with. You never had a thought in your head about this until and old friend sowed a seed there. Let it die, otherwise it will grow, and pretty soon you'll have a forest to deal with, you'll all get lost. Don't fantasize about life gone by, remember all those lives you have touched to get you to where you are now. your reality.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 May 2006):
 If you think that there's a danger to your marriage by trying to be friendly with your long-ago ex, then just don't. Don't tempt yourself.
I can't think what your old love thinks he might get from contacting you, especially if he's married and knows you are too. Friendship only? Sorry; I think it's unlikely. My hunch is that he wants to capture some of the thrill of yesteryear. Whatever the reason, that illicit thrill is seductive, and can lead you to do sneaky, guilty acts. Then, having done one thing, it's not such a leap to another...
Better not to be tempted, right?
You can be polite and kind to your Long Ago Guy and still not get involved if you're worried. Just send him a superficial reply to his email and leave no doubt that you can't play at romance with him.
Hi/great to hear from you/glad you settled somewhere nice/hope the family is well etc. If he sends you another email and doesn't get the polite "not interested" message, you might even spell it out for him, explaining briefly that you're glad he's well and hope he's happy, but that you think it's going to be too difficult to be friends, given your history. Water under the bridge, yadda yadda.
Speaking from experience, it's better to be strong now and resist the temptation, than to have to pull yourself back from the brink.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): What's is happening to you is this e-mail from your past love of 26 years ago, is momentarily making you lose your emotional boundries and now feelings from those years have come back, front and center. You are trying to understand why. Hun, you gave your heart and soul to a loved one ' some 26 years ago. When a woman has bonded deeply to a person and then the relationship ends, she always carries a piece of that in her heart, throughout the years. This is normal and not at all uncommon. But this is temporary. I don't know the facts of what happened in your past with this ex love but perhaps you didn't have time for complete closure, nor had the time for grieving the end of this relationship. You just need time to think...to really evaluate all that occurred back then and then make the decision to just pack away all this past baggage and continue moving ahead with your husband and family. Work on these feelings within the loving, safe environment of your family and on the strength of your husband's love. Now, this is the time we remember and cherish our commitments and our deep love for our spouse and our children. These fleeting feelings for your ex love will change and you will eventually bury them again. You just need some time. Don’t make a rash decision to 'devastate your husband's and family's' lives, based on 'feelings'. That's kind of silly isn't it. We gals sometimes lose our boundaries and our feelings get out of control. It's time to 'rein them back in' and think this through rationally. Use your wonderful husband, your family, trusted friends... as an anchor and keep your sensibilities about you. Think of what you have now vs what will happen if you allow your feelings for this past ex-love, to consume you. Experience these feelings, write them down if you have to..but think about them and then when you are done, forever put these feelings to rest, for good. I strongly recommend-you do not contact the ex love. Just remeber your committment and the man who has been you 'rock' all these years. Move on with your life. It's your choice...think smart.
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