A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend and I have decided to work our relationship out. In 3 years, we've broken up twice and have been through a lot together. Our breakups centered around him basically not having enough time for me, and by that I mean literally seeing him once a week if I'm lucky and just promising to do things with me and not following through. Since getting back together, I have told him what I think we need to do in order to only move forward, and that included making more time for me and only moving forward, meaning eventual engagement and marriage (not right away as we clearly need to work on our relationship). My question is really if I'm doing the right things. Can people change in that manner? He is making an effort to change, but he's still not where I'd like him to be. We've been back together for 3 months. Also, he promised me to take me to see the Christmas tree and did not. I know that sounds stupid, but to me it showed me how much he's really changed. I've given myself a mental timeline and I've firmly decided to myself that if we break up again, it will be the last time. I hate to use this term, but i essentially feel like im giving him enough "rope" so to speak, meaning that i will no longer flip out when he cant do things with me..i will just let it go and make a mental note. I'm just wondering how much time I should really give him to show me that he wants us to work. He is in law enforcement hence there busy schedule and because I know I needed to change, I've stopped basically acting like a psycho and flipping out when work gets in the way. Do you guys have any suggestions as to how we should move forward?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 January 2013):
 I would refuse to be someone's lowest priority.
"he is in law enforcement" so what does he work 60 hours a week? 80? what does he do with his time off? how often is he in touch with you?
what makes you think that it will change?
My co-worker's husband is in law enforcement. He's a detective and his primary job is busting child abusers. He often has to travel out of town to arrest people. Yet he managed to get married, have a wife, a new baby (that he just stayed home with for 6 weeks) and a full hobby and life. He makes time.
My dad worked 60 hours a week when I was a kid. He went to school and worked full time before I was born... he managed to make time.
I bet the President sees his wife daily and his daughters and is so busy being on call 24/7 and yet HE MAKES TIME.
FOLKS MAKE TIME FOR WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO THEM.
My husband before we were married, was a loner. He hated phone calls and email and people in general. Guess who made PLENTY of time for me. (and I was LDR, I took over his entire life every weekend... and yet he GAVE UP GAMES to spend time with me because I WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM)
So far you have devoted 3 years to him and not gotten what you want. I personally would
a. set an internal time frame for him to comply.
b. sit him down and give him the guidelines of what you need. IF you don't give him the rules he can't play the game.
so you say
"Fred look I have devoted 3 years of my life to you and I love you and want this to work but I'm not sure we really can make it work. I have made some changes for you (list your changes here) and I am hoping you will make some changes for me (list the changes you would like). I feel that we can fix this but I cannot give you forever to make these changes. I would like to see improvement within (amount of time you are willing to waste on this relationship... I would not give him more than 6 months but that is up to you) and sadly if I do not we will have to end the relationship."
THEN you guys figure out if you want to have bi-weekly or monthly check-ins to monitor progress... keep logs if you must... so you can sit down and say:
"fred on 12/2/12 I asked you to take me to see the christmas trees. You agreed it was a good idea and would do it. Yet you never did"
and list all the other things he said he would do that he did not.
when he says he's going to do something ask him if he needs a reminder. IF he says NO... make that notation. IF he says "sure" ask him when he wants it and how he wants it. (seriously all these things have been hashed out in our marriage and I found a program that sends an email every sunday to us with our week's schedule on it... i put down my yoga classes, my dinners with friends, doctor appointments and other stuff. Having everything in writing helps with folks who have lousy memories like me)
The other important thing you have to learn is you can't fall in love with a person's potential. YOU have to love them where they are and accept them where they are. IF they grow and mature BONUS. IF they don't. well you can't be mad at them for not being what you WANTED them to be.
So are you in love with this man as he is... or are you in love with his potential?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 I don't know if you are doing the right things.
Perhaps it would be right, if you could let go without doing the mental note. But the mental note means that it still bothers you , that you still feel your needs are unmet and you suck it up not to make waves.
You love each other , but, contrariously to popular believe, just " love " is not enough to make things work.
He is a guy that not only has an hyperdemanding schedule, but also does not need / want to invest too much in his relationships. Notice that I am not saying he is an a.....e and you are needy , demanding or clingy. You just maybe be two very different persons with different needs.
For instance, I personally would be perfectly fine with an once a week kind of guy - if that once a week is good . I don't want to sound like I am Ms. Independence, or cold-hearted, I can be as horribly mushy and sentimental as the worst of us . But, I don't know, I am used to compartimentize things, I like it, I find it easier. I do better with,say, a full immersion romance on weekends, where I just focus on the relationship, and the other days we have all the time and space we want for work, relatives, friends, hobbies etc. But, unluckily I am not the one dating an indipendent minded cop, you are.
There's a fine line between embracing adjustments and compromises - and just making do with what you can get , knowing that your needs will stay forever unmet.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (15 January 2013):
 you need to get rid of him...if he put you on the bottom of the barrel in terms of priorities, then you are not loved by him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, but I think I should clarify just a bit, and if you think I'm in denial or anything, you can let me know :) we agreed to work it out because we certainly love each other, and getting back together we both realized that changes had to be made. My main issue was a lack of understanding for just how hard his job would be, and I no longer behave like a 5 year old when work gets in the way. I'm very prepared to accept work, and I have shown him such.
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A
female
reader, barn lady +, writes (15 January 2013):
I have made "mental notes" for 20 years now. My husband was/is career driven and I am still last on the list. I think when you say that you don't even flip out anymore that means you have emotionally already checked out. You just need to figure out how to physically check out too. Don't be like me 20 years later adding up all the wrongs. Go live your life before you wonder where half of it went.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): "My question is really if I'm doing the right things. Can people change in that manner? He is making an effort to change, but he's still not where I'd like him to be."No, you are not doing the right things. Simple fact is the demands of his law enforcement career are incompatible with your demands for attention. His busy schedule comes with the territory so there is no reconciling your differences. If you can't accept the realities of being a cop's wife, then don't date, become engaged to or marry a cop.The only way he can "change" to your satisfaction is to quit his job, a quite unrealistic expectation. Instead of waiting for him to "change" into the person you want him to be, why not find someone else whose is compatible from the start. "Do you guys have any suggestions as to how we should move forward?" Separately and independently.
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