A
female
age
26-29,
*hallow95
writes:A couple years ago I was in an intense friendship with my best friend. Throughout our friendship it was always difficult. But I was always his friend. The second year we were friends we became friends with benefits. Apart from that we shared a lot of secrets about one another....well 2years later after a our huge fight that broke our friendship up were still not talking...and it kills me. Even after two years I still wonder about him and if he is happy. My heart still hurts, and people keep telling me this isn't/wasn't ever love? Because you haven't experienced being loved. And that love hurts a lot more than what your going through. And even though he hurt me really bad I would still be there if he needed me...I hold a lot of emotions back. And I'm getting tired of certain people telling me this. But are they right? Even though we weren't ever boyfriend and girlfriend? Do I love him or is this something that a normal seventeen year old girl feels? I have been struggling with this question for a long time so please give me your opinions.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 Not love. But not because it does not hurt enough, I am sure that hurts more than enough for your tastes .
You can call it love if you want, after all it's just words and definitions,maybe in your definition that's love.
In mine, surely not. Maybe it's infatuation, or passion, or attachement- something strongly ego-tainted and fear - generated.
Love is only born of a place of wholesomeness, dignity and integrity. It 's actually something that brings out the best in you, that gives you power, makes you stronger,better and emotionally healthier . If you have to be less than you want to be, if you have to accept humiliation, neglect and indifference, then it is not love, it's an hyperactive , fearful ego, that's acting up like a tantrumy child , pulling the loved one sleeve " Look at me ! Look at me ! I want you to like me ! I want you to desire me ! I don't care what I have got to do, but I must have you pay attention to me ! ".
Why am I saying this ? well, the way your story went. Apparently it was not a flowing ,balanced exchange of mutually compatible, reciprocally nurturing energies.
It was you liking him more than viceversa, and tryng to tip the scales in your favour. Not that I am blaming you, I was, maybe still am !, worse than you, - everybody does these things, only calling them love is a bit of a stretch.
So, you are friends- always " difficult ". Uhm. Why has a friendship to be " difficult ". Then it's not even a friendship !, then is a person that sticks around because ego does not accept not being validated . Then you become FWB, when you wanted more than just sex. You accepted being something less than you wanted be- again, that's fear , not love.
In other words, most of your " love " , I think, came out precisely by the distance between you. By the fact that ,no matter how hard you tried, how good to him you were ,how long you sticked around - you could never MAKE him care as much as you wanted.
That's like waving a red rag in front of a bull for our poor frail egos, like stomping heavily on ego's feet.
And that's precisely how so many "loves" are born. So many passions , so many attachments. From deciding that this one particular person has what we need to feel complete, to feel good about ourselves, to feel ..unbroken, and he is stubbornly denying it to us.
It is more about the absence of the person, than his presence. Quite probably, if you'd got to win him over, you would soon have noticed that he has faults which you can't tolerate , habits you can't live with. Maybe he has stinky feet too. But, the point is that you were not given the choice whether to accept or refuse , and this is what hurts and keep hurting.
Love feels different, trust me. Love is easy, simple, banal even. It does not hurt, it does not make you a victim, it does not mess with your head.
It may not be forever - in fact, it can very well accompany you just for a part of your journey on earth, and then things change, feelings change , YOU change.And, like every ending, every change, it may be uncomfortable, it may be sad- but it does not hurt in the thirsty, craving way that you describe ( and that we all know so well, don't worry ! )
So, yes, I think that what you feel is perfectly normal at 17, it's just the growing pains of someone who wants ( rightly so, I don't deny it ) something... affection, acceptance, closeness.... but erroneously think that they want them from THAT specific person.
While I am sure that in future you'll find them from other more compatible ,giving, nourishing sources. And then, it won't have to hurt.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 I would call it unrequited love. I believe you can hurt just as badly even though he never loved you. I would say that when you are older and you experience another heart break similar to this, it won't hurt as bad because it's the second time around and you know what to expect, you know you will get through it. An older virgin who goes into any relationship and getting hurt the first time will have the same raw intensity as a teenager's. Intense emotions does not measure love, nor does your ability to move on from the relationship. Like when you are grieving over a family member's death. Let's say your sibling spent a whole year mourning, while for you you only took a few weeks. It does not mean you love that relative less. Everyone deals with grief differently.
There are a variety of definitions of love. I would say feelings are more intense when you are reaching for something you can't get. I also believe that the one who initiates the break up hurts less, because that person already checked out and is just waiting for the other partner to realize this and agree to the breakup. It doesn't mean the former loved the latter less. A breakup that's out of the blue is the hardest to get over. You feel out of control and you can't trust anybody. People who refuse to let go of a relationship and people who live in the past are hurting themselves.
Let no one undermine your feelings. What you are feeling is real and you should allow yourself to feel it. They could be more understanding. What they mean is that there are people in worse off situations such as betrayal and cheating in long term couples.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): dear,
unfortunately the others are right. Love is always mutual. The fact that you get hurt and he doesnt feel anything by itself means something. If he truly loves you, he should have gotten back to you by this time. He didnt. You need to move on. I know how it would feel, because I am one of your kind. But learn to move on right from your age. Else it will be difficult for you when you grow into your twenties ... All the very best.
This is life. Accept it ! Find a good match for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): well I am in the exact same situation as you; same amount of time; same feeling. I think youbshould ask yourself whether u care about him or not. if u do then take the first step and if u don't then forget him and move on.
in my case, I chosen to move on because I know she will never come back as she did not reply christmas message. I guess some people come and go.
I know is hard but there are loads of others who try to get over similiar situation as u
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