A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about 7 months. My previous relationship ended 4 months prior. (At the time prior to meeting my current girlfriend, I had already made up my mind to move on and get back in the dating world.) Unfortunately I found out the hard way that when I was dating my current girlfriend in the beginning, sometimes I would unconsciously bring up my ex and talk bad things about her. My girlfriend of course did not appreciate the fact that I was bringing her up (even to say bad things) so she suggested we take a short break and I agreed. When we got back together, I realized that I still had this unsatisfied feeling of how things ended with my ex and that I needed closure since I never got any so I decided to meet my ex to get that closure. (I also told my girlfriend that I would need to do this in order to get closure and allow me to strengthen my relationship with her.) After meeting with my ex I was finally able to get closure and feel 100% liberated. It was a great feeling and this allowed me to give it everything I got to my girlfriend but unfortunately as a result, she was badly hurt by this. It made her feel like our first few months of dating was not real and made her feel used. At the time I didn't think that doing so would end up making things worse but it did. From my perspective I was only trying to make things better because my goal was to be able to focus completely on my new girlfriend. Despite the hurt we continued to date anyways, however every now and then she would break down crying from the pain which is inside her. It has been very difficult for her to deal with it which makes me feel terrible in return and also doesn't allow our relationship to progress further. I told her I was so sorry many times but obviously it's not enough. I realize today that I should have gotten the closure with my ex prior to meeting any new girl and that was my big mistake. I met my girlfriend at a time when I was still healing and I should have been more patient and waited till I was completely healed before asking her out on dates although I feel I couldn't help it since I was so attracted to her. I want to work things out with my girlfriend more than anything but at this time she is suggesting we take a long break so we can reassess things several months later. One side of me thinks giving her this break will give her time to heal so we can get back together later and be good again. The other side of me at the same time doesn't want to lose her in this process as fears it may instead end up tearing us apart. I love everything about her and I look forward to a happy future together. I made it clear to her many times that I want to be together for the long term and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our relationship. All I want is to work things out with her. Should I take this chance? What other options do I have and what is the best advice I should take?
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 You really messed up. You shouldn't have been in a relationship in the first place, because you brought major baggage. You shouldn't have got involved with someone if you didn't close the book on your last relationship. She's hurt because you basically wasted her time, effort, energy, money, ect... Give her whatever space she needs. You might lose her for a bit until you can prove to her that all of that is really over with...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): I can understand why your girlfriend is upset. It is never nice to discover you have been a rebound partner. And to rub salt in her wound. Her idea of a small break from you didn't really work in her favour either. It just made her feel even worse. She wanted you to miss her so much that it woke you up and washed all thoughts of an ex out of your head once and for all! Instead you went back to her still dithering and wanting to meet up with your ex. That must have been very disappointing news for your current girlfriend to hear. The fact that you did meet your ex is a shame because it will have made matters even worse. I couldn't imagine sitting around waiting while my boyfriend went to basically check out an ex because he couldnt decide if he was over her or not. How humiliating for your girlfriend. She doesn't sound very happy but that's not her fault. She has to like you a lot because I wouldnt have put up with how you have treated her. So if I were you, I would either refuse the suggestion of a break and set about being an amazing partner to her, so she's reassured you are genuine and have real feelings for her now. Or break up and let her go be happy with someone else. I wouldnt agree to the several month break. I've a feeling she will be off and never return if you do agree to that idea.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 " From my perspective I was only trying to make things better because my goal was to be able to focus completely on my new girlfriend"
You should be able to get on with your life without having to meet your ex, or talk about your ex. She should be out of your mind, really, by your choice. And not from some "closure". You also expressed you didn't get "closure", so this means you weren't doing your part to get her out of your mind. You were waiting around for this closure, whatever it means. I'm sorry if I come off the wrong way, but I have no idea what people mean by "closure". When you end a relationship you end it, what more do you need? A heart to heart conversation and a cry with your ex? I just don't understand it, and I'm guessing your girlfriend doesn't understand it either. Shouldn't being with a NEW girl be closure enough for the last relationship? Shouldn't the last relationship already have been "closed" when you began a new one? That chapter being over, done with? Now it seems you made a big declaration that it WASN'T over, that you were still hung up on her, needed her (or needed the closure as you call it), and needed to spend time with her. How can your girlfriend know that you actually are over her now? Maybe she thinks you'll still need more "closure" in a few months time? Maybe she worries you'll never get over your ex, as apparently being in a new relationship didn't mean you had closed off your relationship with your ex.
Oh who knows why your girlfriend got upset about you meeting your ex though. If she hasn't been able to properly explain it to you then I guess we'll never know what exactly was the problem. However, a "break" is breaking up. There's no such thing as "breaks", you're either a couple or you aren't. If you want to be with her then don't accept any breaks. If she wants time apart, while still staying exclusive with you, then arrange for this. But no "breaks". Take time apart if you want to, such as a week without contact. But if she needs several months to "heal" over what is in essence nothing at all, then this relationship sounds dead and done with. I can tell you this, if you accept a "break", the likelihood of you and her meeting up again after several months is pretty slim. She'll have met someone new in the meantime. Or, she'll have gotten over you.
Either she "heals" while staying in a relatiomship with you and just taking things slow, or the relationship ends. That's how I see this. The chances are really slim that you and her will get back together for a thrid time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): by the sounds of it youve treated her like shes a rebound and i can understand why she is so hurt its not a nice feeling like your second best especially when you love someone
you should tell her how much you love her and that you dont want a break, i think a girl likes to be fought for but if she stills wants a break you have to accept you cant make her want to stay and see what happens if you lose her then learn by your mistake next time, you gotta think about her feelings before acting on your own
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 You made several primary mistakes so no wonder your girl is backing away.
You dumped your ex because you wanted to date other people and then you go back for closure??? WTF!! how selfish, I bet she was shocked to see you!!
You bad mouthed your ex to your new girlfriend...let me tell you something. If you can talk shit about an ex to a current girlfriend, sooner or later that girlfriend is gonna realise that you could potentially talk shit about her some day and it makes you look like a shallow dork.
Girls don't wanna hear about the ex...nobody ever wants to hear about the ex to be honest and bad mouthing is even worse.
Then you arrange to meet the ex for closure???...HUGE mistake...MASSIVELY HUGE!!!
There isn't a woman on the planet that would fall for that 'Oh I saw my ex to make my new relationship stronger'...Im 47 and I wouldn't buy that, even if you were telling the truth.
Declaring to your Girlfriend that you didn't feel you'd recovered enough from your ex is like saying 'The first part of our relationship didn't mean as much to me as it did to you'...get it??
I know you are young, but seriously learn from this because any woman would have reacted the same to your shennanigans, however they were meant.
Give her the space she wants, because that girl has got to consider her options and another guy won't treat her so shabbily.
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