A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been trying for a baby since our honeymoon one year ago...with no success. All hope is not lost at this stage, we've had tests done and the specialists are pretty confident we'll concieve if we keep trying, and that treatment will likely be sucessful if we are not naturally, but my problem is that honestly, I am mentally and emotionally drained.I am exhausted feeling the way I do, like a failure. My mom, who never wanted kids herself (I was a mistake, apparantly) just doesn't understand how painful it is to have difficulty concieving when yearning so badly, and she just doesn't care. She says if I can't have kids I can't have kids and she can't understand why it bothers me so. It doesn't help at all. I'm getting no support from my family, and my husband is sick talking about it. My best friend, who tried for three years to become pregnant, announced her pregnancy last month. I am genuinely thrilled for her, except for the fact that she was the only person I could really talk to about it and we used to be able to co-misserate, now I feel completely isolated with this. She understood how I felt, but is now consumed with baby talk 24/7, which she used to hate. When I see pregnant people, including ones in my family, I feel a jealous rage coming on. I feel so gutted and fearful that I will never experience the joy of bringing my own baby into the world. I can't feel like this for the rest of my life, because it is physically exhausting. Each month when I find out I am not pregnant, I feel so depressed I don't see the point in anything. Each month, I am devastated with each negative test.I was 21 when my dad died, I slipped into depression, and I had no motivation to do anything. Literally couldn't get off the couch. I'm getting scared now, because I am starting to feel that way again, and I don't know how to stop it, except getting pregnant, of course, but can't seem to make that happen. I am also starting to have irrational thoughts, which I did when I was depressed. For example, my mom's friend from work got married at the same time we did, and got pregnant with twins. She lost both of them, and is now pregnant again. I tried, but couldn't feel sorry for her. Instead, just angry at how easy it was for her to become pregnant. I felt like how come she can manage two pregnancies in a year and I can't manage one? I know that's horrible and will NOT help me any, but I can't seem to control this anger. Also, people are beginning to ask now we are married a year, "when are you'se having a little one?" I feel like screaming I'm trying!!! My mother in law is oblivious that we are struggling, but asks every timw we see her, "when will you'se make me a grandmother?" I feel like anwering by saying I wish I could. I can honestly say that failing to get pregnant and the fear of not being ever able to has marred the first year of my marriage. My husband and I love each other, but we are really feeling the strain. I'd really appreciate some wise words on what I could do to be positive, and avoid slipping into depression again.
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female
reader, Pety  +, writes (21 November 2014):
 This is a situation that i also unfortunately experience . I feel the same with you and I am also trying for a baby for more years (3) without result. I think it is devastating all of this. I would like a baby as you but I understand that it isn’t something that could easily happen. I have accepted the situation at some point and I try not to think of it all the time because I feel it is useless, harmful and pointless. So I am occupied most of the time with a lot of different activities so as I am thinking about something else most of the time. I also feel that this feeling of despair could possible ruin my marriage with all the tension that brings between us. I haven’t tried a lot with artificial methods only at some level at the start because I couldn’t continue. However, I often think that I should have tried more. But I couldn’t stand the emotional and economical costs of all those methods. So I let things in their physical route and I continue to do so. I have constantly doubts about me that I haven’t tried enough with artificial methods. But otherwise the emotional press would have been enormous and insupportable for me in a case of possible failures. I would like to exchange thoughts with you as we are in similar situation. In every case I hope the best for us as having a healthy, nice baby is something that we both like very much and appreciate most in our lives.
A
female
reader, lovesagiftkeepitsafe +, writes (14 November 2014):
 I feel for you I really do.My husband and I have been trying for a baby over a year and a half and no success it's stressing us both out and we have actually taken a break from trying. They say the more worked up you get about having kids the harder it is to relax and have kids. Take a Break tell people to back off as its none of their business and just enjoy time with your husband, go out have a nice meal promise no baby talk for the whole night. If you can't go out plan a nice romantic dinner at home. Even a nice bath with candles and relaxing bubbles and just enjoy each others company. Have you started using folic acid yet? My doctor has put me on that it helps get your body ready for a pregnancy. I've also been told to eat a lot of fruit especially blueberries and strawberries as they have something in them that helps with fertility. Just try not to let it bother you. Trust me I know it's hard but it's worth a shot just remember you are not alone. Don't give up but don't force it either. Just let it happen when it happens especially if your doctors have said your both working properly to have kids. Your time will come don't give up hope xxxx
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 November 2014):
Dear OP,
Please, take a break from trying to conceive! You've tried for a year now, it's tiring, it's stressful to always wait for a pregnancy and I'm pretty sure it also affects your sex life if the main goal of sleeping together is to conceive.
You don't have to stop trying for a baby; just take a long "holiday" from that project. And consciously, in that break, enjoy with your husband all the things you can do now that you won't be able to do when you have a crying new-born at home. Go out, drink a cocktail, travel, have a romantic weekend trip!
It also seems to me that you're a sensitive person and people around aren't so much, when it comes to the baby topic. It may indeed help to inform friends that you couldn't conceive even though you tried, to stop for instance your mother in laws questions. "We're trying", as honeypie said, is also a very good answer!
As for your mother.. is she a toxic person in your life? Get distance from her if you need to.
If you're already clinically depressed, it's a good idea to search treatment.
Okay, to sum it up: Take better care of yourself. Do what loads your batteries. If you're happier, your marriage will get better too, and you'll have the necessary energy to look ahead again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 November 2014):
 Go see your doctor again. Have her/him EXPLAIN how to use a ovulation calender and ovulation kit. And then RELAX (I know, I know easier said then done) in reality getting pregnant isn't always as easy as we think.
Some people seems to think all you need to do is have sex... Well, that is true, but it's only part of it. YOU have to have sex at the RIGHT time in your cycle.
I think if you start obsessing, you will HAVE a tougher time GETTING pregnant and postpartum. So you REALLY do need to not go overboard.
And being married at a women who LOST a set of twins? That is callous. And JUST because you haven't been able to conceive (yet) doesn't GIVE you some MARTYR right to "hate" on someone who has managed it. So you REALLY need to keep that in check too. While I KNOW it's not uncommon for people trying HARD to get pregnant to NOT be able to SHARE other's joy in THEIR pregnancies it's also incredibly selfish and petty. PUT yourself in their shoes a minute or two. OK? And that negative attitude... well it's not helping you or anyone else either, is it? So... drop it.
YOU are NOT failing as a women or a wife.
A friend of mine were in your shoes, except.. it took them 5 years... She is a big fan of this book, maybe check it out?
http://www.impatientwoman.com/book.html
Last but not least, there is nothing wrong in telling people when they ask... We are trying. If that is easier then just smile and nod.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): Hi. the first thing you need to do is relax about this and not make this a mission impossible, because it's not. I know of many people who 'tried conceiving to no avail, and when they stopped "trying" they conceived eventually. Stress is not good for your body. Also, try elevating your body after the deed to increase the odds. Good luck, and just have fun with this!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 November 2014):
 Right, firstly - get a grip woman!
OK, that was harsh, but I think you need a wake up call. You are so totally obsessed with your lack of success that you cannot or will not see the bigger picture. You are totally consumed by this.
Step back.
Right now, you are stressed out. That stress is transmitted to your body, which in turn will put a stop on any chance you have of conceiving. By being so obsessive, YOU are sticking a spanner in the works.
You have said yourself that there is NOTHING physically wrong with either of you. People forget conception is not an exact science. It depends on all sorts of factors, some women can get pregnant by just looking at a man, others take longer.
So RELAX.
Often women get so involved in "getting pregnant" that they lose sight of everything else in their life. It all becomes about the baby. Every time sex happens, its about "getting pregnant", not about love, not about your husband or you, it becomes a purely practical action. No romance, no love. Your husband probably just feels like a walking sperm producer, as I suspect this is all you talk about. He might even feel resentment.
You are only 30, only married for ONE YEAR - jeez, you have plenty of time!
Your poor friend took THREE YEARS to get pregnant, two years more than you now. How do you think SHE felt? What about the lady who lost her twins? That is a horrific experience for anyone to go through - do you really feel jealous of that?
So, stop trying. Stop making sex about baby-making and just relax. Make sex enjoyable, romantic, fun! You might find, that things happen when they are meant to, not when YOU decide.
Let nature do its thing, without trying to force it to your timetable.
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