A
male
age
30-35,
*appy dude
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 5 months - she is 22 and me, 26.We are very happy and close ( I'm the first guy she has slept with ) and her family like me, which is a bonus.She was always quite a closed person but over time she opened up and told me that her birth dad left when she was 5, she never knew why and thought she was to blame. I said that was crazy that she blamed herself . I was adopted at 5 so I guess I understood.Whenever she asked her mother , nothing would get said.Last week she said that she wanted to visit where her dad lived, speak to some neighbours, try to find out what she could.I didn't want her going alone so I drove her and we didn't find out a whole lot but she thanked me for taking her.To cut it short, the next day her mother found out and was furious with both of us. Harriet stayed at my place that night to let the dust settle and I took her home 3 days ago and she hasn't been the same since. She told me to forget we went looking and her parents (mum and step dad ) were upset but Harriet has been so so cold and distant to me the last 3 days. Hardly talking to me as much, very cold and distant and not herself. Not making weekend plans like normal. Like her walls have come back up.I sent her sole flowers and a nice note today but she's still veryCold and not herself.I wish I could help or just have her back, what can I do! Thanks for reading
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2014): First of all, I find her mother's reaction extremely unfair. Your girlfriend is an adult and has the right to know things about her own dad. Your GF asked, I never did.Maybe she found out something really upsetting. Give her time but let her know that you are there for her.Just know that if by any chance her mother is still angry with you (both of you), she has no right to be.Truth, however hard it might be, is better than a lie.I found out about my father after my mum died. I was barely 20. He died later and never wanted to talk to me. I called him. You cannot imagine what sort of stories went through my head, why my mother made such a decision never to mention him. And I never asked. I was so relieved when I found out that he was just an ordinary troubled man. Nothing extreme. He suffered from a sort of a PTSD and he made life miserable for everyone around him. I was lucky my mother cut him off. But in a sense it was easier for me to do it on my own... without my mum, I mean. No matter how much I missed her. I knew I had no one to ask and no one to answer to...
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 November 2014):
 Give her a little space. But remind her that you are there for her.
My guess is, she had a fantastic fantasy lined up about her dad and their reunion and when it didn't happen she was thoroughly bummed out, add her mom's fury and she is feeling sad and guilty.
You know that there are better ways to search for a birth parent then just talking to neighbors right? Not that I'm saying you should DO that for her. Let her figure this one out herself. I think (even if that sounds rude) this has just nothing to do with you, and all about her.
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A
female
reader, Wolfscar +, writes (14 November 2014):
 I agree withAunty BimBim. Give her some time to think
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 November 2014):
 Maybe the stories her mother told her about her father were not true. Your girlfriend may have new information she needs to process.
Maybe her mother and step father have put some obstacles in her way ..........
She could need a little time to grieve or to think. I'd give it a week or so without communication, then try again, twice if necessary and if nothing comes of that you will need to consider your options.
I hope it works out for you both.
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