A
male
age
41-50,
*iggestidiotinNC
writes:Quick background info: been married since '99 and have two children (9 and 12). Wife stopped being intimate with me Jan '09 citing many reasons (thyroid, loss of her father to cancer, mother getting cancer, subsequent loss of her mother, depression) along the years to current as to why she wasn't interested in sex. Always reassured me it was her, not me etc. I gave her lots of space to cope, encouraged her to get involved with work sports teams etc. I took on the bulk of the chores (easily 85%) and tried to stay positive and supportive of her.Last Sat I found out she has been having an affair with a coworker since Oct 2008. I've had this man in my house at parties, helped him with housework he didn't know how to do (I'm a handyman and mechanic) and have been extremely generous to him as well as all her friends as its in my nature.She I've since learned as many as 4 coworkers of hers knew about it and we're around me many times during this time and never said a thing to me.My biggest problem is with trust now. I feel like other than family and my best friend I can't trust anyone, especially women. I'm so disgusted with myself for being fooled for so long. Are these feelings normal?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 June 2013):
 I had a husband (now ex) who lied to me. I will never believe or trust him.
The current husband I have is adamant that there will be NO LIES in our life. He does not tolerate folks lying to him and he does not lie to me. I trust HIM implicitly.
Just because ONE person is untrustworthy does not mean all are.
A
male
reader, BiggestidiotinNC +, writes (10 June 2013):
BiggestidiotinNC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies thus far. I should have made clear in my initial post. I'm over with this, there will absolutely be no fixing this. It is beyond broke in my eyes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): Holy moly, I am so sorry. Of course its normal I feel so sad for you nothing worse than being lied to and made a fool of. I am not sure if you are wanting to move past this but if you are rest assured it will be hard and a long road. Forgetting is not part of the equation but forgivesness is. I will pray for peace in your heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): You need to remember that everything that happened is not your fault. There is nothing you did, or didn't do. SHE made a choice, and she choice to cheat instead of honoring your marriage.
Now, in time, you will heal. What you are feeling is normal, and very understandable.
DO NOT change who you are, are what you can give of yourself to someone you love. Not all women are like that and not all women should be labeled as someone you can't trust. Future relationships should not have to pay the price for your past relationships. The best thing you can do is allow yourself the time to heal and not go out right now and do something stupid with another women. You will either treat them poorly, put up a wall or question everything they say and do when something sounds familiar about your past. Learn to be happy again and fill your life with positive things. The rest will follow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): You're a human being. However; you were supposed to trust your wife. You married her based on love and trust.
Unfortunately; nothing is guaranteed in life. Therefore; we have to have faith and hope. We take the risk that things turn out for the best in most situations.
We must maintain a certain amount of vigilance; because there will be times when your trust is put to the test.
In all honesty, I must say you willingly over-looked dozens of red-flags. No one deserves that much trust. Her excuses were almost transparent. There were just too many. You were in denial to some degree. No offense intended; but few people are that naive, and know when their spouse is lying.
At some point, she should have aroused some suspicion.
Couldn't you see that she functioned in every other area but the bedroom?
I'm sure your inner-voice must have told you something was up when your wife came up with so many convenient excuses for not having sex. You can't mistrust all women for the deeds of this one woman.
She has taught you a valuable lesson. You can still offer your trust; but you can still act on your suspicions. You must keep your eyes open for any challenges to your marriage. If a woman denies you intimacy, don't take her at her word. Get to the bottom of it. Investigate.
The sting of her betrayal runs deep; that's because this woman was your wife of many years. Your reaction is normal. The condition is only temporary. The pain is so profound you feel that no woman is deserving of trust. That will dissipate.
You may feel you can never trust another woman; only because you haven't met anyone that you could care so much for. Trust becomes voluntary once you meet someone you truly care for. You'll lay down your defenses in order to let them in.
For now, you will be sensitive and not as secure as before. Mistrust can become a disease, if you get carried away. Limit your feelings to this particular incident. Judge other situations based on their own merit.
Trust should be earned and given in doses. It is something we have to give in order to get it.
Just remember that people aren't perfect; which includes you. Not excusing your wife's infidelity; but we are all capable of making mistakes. Big mistakes. Mistakes that require redemption and forgiveness.
You have to keep things in perspective. This one woman did you great harm. This one woman has lost something very valuable. Don't allow her to drain you of your humanity and kindness.
I don't know if you intend to remain married. I don't quite see how you could under the circumstances. People have survived infidelity in their marriage. It is an uphill climb back to finding trust. That is, if you're both willing to make it work. If you decide not to, you would be justified.
It may take time; but during that time, allow yourself to heal. She still gave you something valuable in return for your lost trust. Two children that you adore, and who trust and adore you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2013): What you're feeling is normal, Trust is something hard to earn.its not like overnight you can give it to someone especially if you have a bad experienced.If you cant trust women nothing can change your mind.But remember not all people are the same.When you met someone who do what she says she will, that person deserves to be trusted.Experience is the best teacher of all time.Some lessons learned can never be forgotten.You will overcome that, in time.Good luck and God Bless.
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