A
female
age
36-40,
*innie73
writes:Ok so i i've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year.. before we started dating i said i didn't want to get into a relationship because i've dated a porn addict in the past and been cheated on several times (not to sound like the victim here! just bad taste in men, or should i say boys) so i just wasn't ready for the pain relationships can bring. He (out of his own accord) promised he would never and had no need to look at porn. He also promised he'd never hurt me knowing what it means to me. I eventually believed him - we were, and still are so close and we make love once a day if not more, so i believed him.He has always had a ridiculous collection of softcore magazines, which he knows i'm not a fan of so he stopped buying them but he kept his massive collection which i thought was harmless as i said, softcore. Girls in tiny bikini's or what not. He insisted he bought them for the articles anyway.One morning i woke up and found a magazine out open on a double-page spread of a gorgeous half naked girl. I got a slightly upset and he convinced me it was just lying around and he just flicked through it - and happened to leave it open on that girl. I half believed him and moved the magazine away with a few others. A few weeks later we were cleaning and he saw them. One night we made love then i had a rough night - staying up all night worrying about things that were going on in my life etc - he knew this. In the morning he tried to sleep with me and usually i would but since i had no sleep, i kicked him away and said i was tired. A few hours later i woke up to find the SAME magazine open with the SAME girl in a variety of sexy positions. I rang him up asking why and he admitted he had gone next door and used it to relieve himself (after several minutes of lying) arguing that he tried with me first. He also admitted if he hadn't been busted he would never have told me because he knew it upset me. I should mention he has several video's and pictures of me, and not to sound completely conceded but I am quite attractive, tall and thin with annoyingly huge boobs. We have an amazing time in bed and play out all fantasies. And i found this slightly sick as i was asleep in the next room, after being up all night with anxiety, after we'd only done it about 8 hours earlier. And i wondered why it hurt me so much more than when my ex watched porn? - and i realised that he wasn't getting aroused by the act of 2 people having s** (which turns on ANYBODY), but rather fantasizing over the one girl (over several pages), who was perfectly airbrushed whom he'd already looked at before. Who i later found out lives not far away from us and actually goes to uni with people i know.He said he was looking for headphones first to watch our video's, conveniently forgetting all the pictures he had, and conveniently not finding all the headphones lying around the place. He said the magazine didn't even work for him and he had to think about me instead. He said he was suprised and it must mean he really loves me. He also maintains the first time he left it open, he was just flicking through and it was purely coincidence it was the same girl. Whole story sounded sus if you ask me. Anyway, i could get past all of that because despite his promise, i understand men, quite well. but what i can't get past is the fact he would have never told me? knowing how important it is to me? And he wouldn't have even given it a second thought or felt a shred of guilt?I should also mention he lies compulsively, he has recently admitted he has a problem. He lies about things that are important, and trivial things (like borrowing my car). He has never once told me the truth about much. It's only after he's been busted (usually out of his own carelessness - not me being a detective) that the issue of his lies are even raised. He promised he'll never lie again when it comes to important things to me (he even wrote it down and signed it to convince me, lol) but he continues to lie and get caught, so how am i meant to trust him when it comes to important things? I want to get past this so bad but i can't seem to? I know he doesn't want to hurt my feelings but i can't buy that excuse forever. I think in the long run trust and honesty is a much bigger sign of love and respect. I've told him several times i can forgive anything except lying. I am very understanding but I can't deal with being lied to over and over. I feel like my trust is so far gone I don't know how to get it back. I love him so much but being around him breaks my heart at the moment because i wonder what else he's lied about. He keeps trying to convince me he'll tell me the truth in future but i don't know how to believe him. I also struggle with this because i myself have a very strong conscience and couldn't break a promise, or do something that i knew would hurt my partner, and then take it to the grave - regardless of what it was. Ps don't want any ear bashing about porn, he made that promise on his own two feet - alone. and i realise that it is my issue now (not always), but the thing that isn't my issue is his compulsive lies.. What do i do? I'm sick of feeling hurt every time he gets caught.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 I'll put my cards on the table, I have no problem with porn. Now lets get on with the issues, there are 3 things going on here. Lets start with the easiest one.
1. You made a contract.. You don't date men who use porn, he understood this right from the start and he promised you that he would respect your wishes. The guy has broke your contract.
2. He lies ALL THE TIME!!! - The guy is a liar, you will never be able to trust him. He lies about little stuff and important stuff. He is a liar, and liars like this never change.
3. Porn Lies - These are different type of lies, men tell them all the time. He lied to you. He likes porn, he likes naked women, he always has and he always will. You took away the porn, but he still had his softcore stuff with women in sexy clothing. Same thing. He likes to look at naked women. Now he wants to be with you, but he won't be able to stop looking. So he lies. He tells you nonsense like he just keeps the magazines because they have good articles. That's what playboy used to do. Put in some cars and a couple of stories so men could tell women that the read it because it's interesting. NO!!! HE LIKES TO LOOK AT NAKED WOMEN. Don't believe a word he says when it comes to porn, he's lying and he will lie again. Now this time he feels he had reason. He wanted to have sex, you refused him. He couldn't go back to sleep, he couldn't concentrate on anything else, you were unavailable and he was horny. As far as he's concerned he has a right to have an orgasm, and pornography is perfect for that, masturbation alone isn't as exciting. Many men can't masturbate to orgasm without visual stimulation.
Your solution is clear. You are dating a liar who likes porn. He will never change. You don't like porn and you don't like liars, so you cannot stay with him.
I know you have porn issues, but you will find you meet many men who lie about it. They have to lie, because many women don't like it, and even if they aren't that interested in porn, most men will look now and again if it's in their face. Men have always had to lie about their interest in porn to keep women happy. You say you don't like the lying, but what would you do if a man said, "Baby, I was horny and you was sleeping, so I grabbed a porn magazine and had a wank, sorry I broke our promise, but my penis hurt and I really didn't want to bother you." Sometimes I wonder if women lie to themselves when they say it's the truth they want and lies hurt the most. Anyway, there are men out there who totally hate it. When you go into your next relationship, make your views about porn very clear. If you catch a man with porn, no matter what he says, do not believe him. Most men lie about porn. But there are guys out there who will not look, especially if their woman hates it.
Dump this guy and find a better one. You have issues with porn, and you didn't always feel this way. I'm sorry your porn addicted ex caused such problems for you. Stick to your guns, find the guy who will understand how pornography affects you and never go out with somebody who lies like this one does.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Before the usual DC porn debate kicks in ( porn is a big deal , no it's not a big deal ) I 'd say that the problem is not porn per se, is that you can't trust him, because, alas, he is not trustworthy. You had stated very well your terms and conditions for the relationship at the beginning, if he had a problem with them he could have argued his case then , or simply decided to stay clear of you. Instead, he accepts, he promises, he breaks the pacts repeatedly and lies repeatedly to cover his tracks.
So this is not a problem about porn per se, it would be the same if he had promised to never eat hamburgers and you'd keep catching him at McDonalds. It's a problem with loyalty and honesty. I understand perfectly that you see it as a huge red flag and don't know ho to handle it.
Frankly, I don't think you should even try to handle it at all.
He breaks his word, he lies to get what he wants behind your back , and clearly puts his wants and needs first WHEN instead he had promised to care about yours.
These are character traits that seldom change, maybe never. Unless the person decides they absolutely want to change by any means necessary, including therapy. But I am not that sure this is your case.
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A
female
reader, sarahb +, writes (17 November 2011):
Honey i'm sorry but he's not going to change, no matter what you do or how good his intentions are. If he is going to commit to something, then fail, but then lie about it, then that's a deal breaker. Not because he failed but because he lied about something he knows is sacred to you. And i understand why you are hurt. I (like pretty much every woman) don't like my man looking at porn but a perfect girl in a magazine would hurt me much more.And you were together the night before? Has he ever heard of respect? or self control? or if he absolutely must, simply thinking about you?If you've caught him twice looking at it then i can guaruntee he's done it a lot more and you'd be naive to think otherwise. The compulsive lying.. you need to leave or you will get hurt again. Men like this do not change, i know from experience.
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A
male
reader, mike99 +, writes (17 November 2011):
Sorry but what your boyfriend has done is unforgiveable. It seems you made it clear about porn and lying and he has gone and done both. You should have walked away the first time. If he's lying now, he won't change, unless he gets help. The fact that he was prepared to never tell you about this says it all - that he really doesn't care about what's important to you. He was prepared to break a promise and lie to the one he loves and that's not someone you want to be around. Doing it is bad enough given what you've been through and the promise he made, but then to lie about it? I could never get past that. It is not your job to fix the relationship, the onus is on him. You should walk away and leave it up to him to make it up to you. You sound like a great girlfriend; my girlfriend has never provided me with pictures, video's or anything adventurous in the bedroom. Your boyfriend doesn't know what he has and he's treating you and your trust like a joke. Trust is everything, leave this guy now. There are guys out there who will keep their word and treasure your feelings and treat you with the respect you deserve. And the fact you were in the next room after having a difficult night? Utterly revolting. Throw this guy away, he won't change I'm sorry to say.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Ok, This is a hard one to answer. Be ause there are two issues here the porn and the lying.I'd be way more concerned about the lying (the lying about un-porn related things)To deal with the porn, some men fund the idea of madturbating over their partners degrading to their partners, they need the visual stimulus to achieve orgasam, but from what I understand most men afterwards feel a bit rubbish the orgasam is good, but after they have a magazine in front of them soggy tissue in hand... when they know they have a wonderful girlfriend isn't making them feel good. I personally know my BF more than likely looks at porn if we stay apart, I know he would be mortified if I knew it because he would feel guilty about me, but I know he will come back to me. Your experience has been different, it's going to affect how you feel about every relationship your in and that must be so tough, and you have been so brave to talk to your partner - he wants to make you happy so he has maybe promised something he can't deliver but felt he could at the time.He is more than likely torn between feeling really horny and wanting to have that stress relief (as a very sexual woman I like to masturbate in no way is this in any way against my partner it just makes me feel good and sometimes going solo whilst selfish is nice because there is no one else to please - I'm just bring honest!) but relief in a sexual way does not excuse the lying, if I asked my partner I would expect him no matter how painfull to tell me the tuth I would do the same.Which brings me to the lying thing, I don't like this not for one second. There are little white lies that we all tell, us girls are worse than men at it, let's be honest! Things like no my girlfriend doesn't dislike you, or you look nice in XZ sweater but I love you in the other, but I didn't borrow your car - you obviously gave him keys? Why lie? In my opinion relationships have to be built on trust, you don't trust him full stop. You should not be feeling sick at all in your relationship, you should not feel scared and given your history a good man would stop the porn you have given him pictures and therefore permission to use them, it's not like your saying "you can't masturbate" your saying I understand I'd prefer youto do that over me. But the lying, major issue he more than likely wont stop you need to really asses your relationship and decide what you wantI hope this helps I'm just always honest with my responses x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 if he lies he lies. he won't stop. they can't. I've never met someone who lies about things that they are asked NOT to do who will stop doing them and then tellt he truth about it. A person cannot be forced to stop doing something, they have to want to stop themselvess. It's why court mandated therapy does not work.
I realize he told you he would give up the porn and I am sure that he meant it at the time, but then he wanted to look at it again and knowing how you feel about it felt that lying was better than the wrath of telling the truth.
so what you have here is two issues
a. a man that looks at porn (that you don't like)
b. a man that knows you don't want him to do it so he lies to you in hopes he won't get caught.
he's not going to stop looking at porn.... so maybe you need to find a different boyfriend.
as for the lying... important things or not... my boyfriend has a NO LYING rule... any lies at all and it's over..... he will not tolerate lies. and I respect that because lies destroy trust... any lies.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 He has broken your trust by lying to you compulsively. So now he needs to be the one to make it up to you now. If you want to work on it well then it is going to take time to trust him again. However if things don't seem to improve and you keep finding him lying to you, well honey then he is not to be trusted and you might be better off without him.
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