A
male
age
36-40,
*helovetoomuchman
writes:Ive been going out with my gf for over 3years now and her trust problems are causing us to argue and i feel us moving apart.She had trouble in her previous and first relationship so told me she was a bit hesitant about men, basically the whole trust of the relationship.After a year of going out i told her i would quit smoking weed, 6months later i told her i was still smoking it and promised her that i would stop. I didnt and a year down the line i told her about it. We were on the verge of breaking up so i decided to stop smoking.Now, even though it was over a year ago, she still cant let it go and says she thinks about how i hurt her day in day out, if im still smoking and if im cheating on her (which i never have). I keep telling her its all in the past which it is, but her feeling this way is affecting me in a way where she just isnt affectionate towards me recently at all.I brought this up and she just says 'i cant trust you' and 'things have changed'.I dont want to lose her and im sure she doesnt want to lose me, we love each other so much but the whole trust in our relationship is right up in the air and i dont know what to do about it... i need some help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, thelovetoomuchman +, writes (11 August 2009):
thelovetoomuchman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is worrying that every little argument will lead back to this now. but more importantly she wants this whole situation sorted before she starts her final year of Uni.
Is trying to sort this out quick and easy the wrong way of going about this? Clearly she cant just 'sort it out' if this is still affecting her from a year ago.
Im not sure what to do/say
A
male
reader, thelovetoomuchman +, writes (11 August 2009):
thelovetoomuchman is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have been sticking to my word and doing everything i can to help her regain the trust but shes saying its not working. She finds it hard to feel different.
Now she is saying the problem is bigger and the way she is dealing with it cant be the right way, because i mentioned there was a lack of affection.
Ive told her i understand its going to take time and ill be patient and it was silly of me to try and rush into things before considering how she feels first.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (11 August 2009):
 prove it to her prove to her that you are trust worthy!
reassure her anything you can.
say next time she doesn't like you doing something or anything like that and prove to her you are trust worthy and stick to your word.
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A
male
reader, thelovetoomuchman +, writes (11 August 2009):
thelovetoomuchman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi gina,
i just hope that suddenly one day she wakes up and everything went back to normal!
im guess im keeping my fingers crossed that she trusts me fully one day, in the mean time we just get on with it, but both know there is this problem between us. Is it normal to have something like this hanging between couples?
Weve always had a v good relationship with no arguements so its extra weird being in this situation.
I think not bringing it up and just keep telling her i love her and keep reasuring her im not messing her around anymore is the only way.
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A
male
reader, thelovetoomuchman +, writes (11 August 2009):
thelovetoomuchman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply ilovebowsandcherries.
Yes, she does need to let go of the past, but its hard for her and im not sure if she will ever be able to let go of the past and trust me...
I have given her no reason to believe im doing anything that she doesnt like and I've changed so much for her but she cant see this either, stopped going out with female friends, stopped smoking weed and therefore seeing most of my mates as they all still do it..
Things are currently left up in the air between us, we argued about the sitation and i left saying we should talk about this another day.
I dont think suggesting a counsellor would be the answer a) i dont think i would personally want to do it and b) we wud never find time to go.
I feel im trying to fix a lost cause, which is the last situation i want to be in..
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (11 August 2009):
well she obviously is having a hard time letting things go from the past, perhaps if you both went to a counsellor to discuss the trust issues you guys are dealing with in this situation.
perhaps the counsellor can help her see that living in the past is something she needs to let lie and leave it in the past.
what's done is done.
you can't change the past but can change the future.
if she really wants to be with you she'll be willing to help herself get past these emotions of lack of trust towards men.
at the end of the day not all men are trust worthy but some are.
just because you lied about smoking doesn't mean you've lied about other things given you shouldn't have said you would if you couldn't but still she needs to let it go and live her life stop dwelling in the past otherwise she's not living at all and constantly a worry of the past.
as i've said it's done now she needs to worrya bout the future not the past people can't change the past it's all about changing the future.
hope this helps.
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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