A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HI,I've been in a long distance relationship with this girl for about 5 months now and I really like and care for this girl. Right from the start of the relationship I mentioned to her that I have trust issues and cant stand being lied to and she should know about it.. On our second date she mentioned that she was in a relationship which wasn't serious and she basically never had any feelings towards this guy.. I thought this was the end of it.. A couple of days later, she admitted to me that she was a virgin.. I never asked her about her past and always assumed that she might not be one and made my peace with it (because I still am).. But she insisted over and over that she was.. Without me ever asking her about it.. Last week (after 4 months), she admitted to me that she in fact did have sex with her ex and lied to me about her relationship with him.. (which makes me think that she was in a serious relationship with him).. Her explanation was that she really likes me and I should appreciate the fact that she was honest about it..While I do appreciate that she came out clean.. I don't think I can trust her.. I mean I understand If I forced her into lying about her virginity but I never did.. I never asked her about her past and blindly believed what she said to be true.. She basically lied to me when she had no reason to do so..She tells me that that's the only thing she kept from me and I want to believe her but just cant get myself to trust her.. I really like this girl and she tells me that she likes me too.. but I just cant believe that..
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her ex, her past, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011):
She has no right to decide what you should think is important or not. You get to make your own choices about what matters to you.
She didn't have to tell you anything about her past if she did not want to. She had the right to just say "I won't discuss my past" and let you decide for yourself if you still want to date her while never knowing. But that is not what she did. She lied. She crossed the line when she did that.
The reasons she lied don't matter. SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): From the poster of the question..Thank you everyone for posting comments in helping me figure this out.. She has been trying to reach me for a while now and I just talked to her.She basically told me that she thought that her past wasn't a big deal and she doesn't even think about her ex anymore and wants to move on, and I should be looking at the positives in her.. I always thought(and still do) that she is a nice person.. But I agree with VSAddict.. I don't want to be in a position of trusting someone who's once betrayed my trust, just to be betrayed again!! Although she promised me that she would not do that ever again, I will always carry that feeling with me if I decide to stay with her.. I have already walked out on a couple of my friends and relatives because they betrayed my trust (and she knew that too).. I don't want to be in a similar situation with a person who would be a potential life partner.. Maybe I should just start the healing process and keep my guard up ... As I always did.. But I guess its my fault after all since I lowered my guard and let her into my life (on her insistence).. not a mistake I will repeat again ever...Thanks again for all your help
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): From the poster of the question..Thank you everyone for posting comments in helping me figure this out.. She has been trying to reach me for a while now and I just talked to her.She basically told me that she thought that her past wasn't a big deal and she doesn't even think about her ex anymore and wants to move on, and I should be looking at the positives in her.. I always thought(and still do) that she is a nice person.. But I agree with VSAddict.. I don't want to be in a position of trusting someone who's once betrayed my trust, just to be betrayed again!! Although she promised me that she would not do that ever again, I will always carry that feeling with me if I decide to stay with her.. I have already walked out on a couple of my friends and relatives because they betrayed my trust (and she knew that too).. I don't want to be in a similar situation with a person who would be a potential life partner.. Maybe I should just start the healing process and keep my guard up ... As I always did.. But I guess its my mistake after all since I lowered my guard and let her into my life (on her insistence).. not a mistake I will repeat again...Thanks again for all your help
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Well, all you asked for was truthfulness, you made it easy for her to be honest, and she proceeded to lie to you anyway. It's pretty clear cut. I don't think she can be trusted.
Some people would say, "Virginity and sex life is such a big deal for women, it's understandable for her to lie about that." I would respond that nobody excuses men for lying about things that are important to women, like careers and income for example. Lying is just lying.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (5 August 2011):
 You have to determine whether you like this girl enough to move past the lies. There was no need to lie about something like that. If she decided to tell you something like that without being asked, then she should've been totally honest. She doesn't seem like a trustworthy girl and just because she admitted the truth doesn't make her a better person because she lied. I wouldn't trust her if I were you and I would get out before she came out with an even bigger lie. Her story about not being a virgin months after you started seeing her sounds really suspicious.
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A
male
reader, mistborn22 +, writes (5 August 2011):
Hey there,Well being lied to sucks, I'v been lied to and I've done my share of lying.Trust is a fragile wall and once its been breached its hard to build it back up again, notice I said hard, not impossible. Are you in a relationship with this girl now, when did you become a couple? when did she end this "relationship" she told you about at the begining?Is it still a long distance relationship?Are you in love with her?And let me understand if I'm getting this straight, she told you she was a virgin and then came clean several months later and told you she wasnt and that she had actualy been sleeping with her not very serious boyfriend? something strange in that whole situation. Brings up a whole lot of questions.
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