| A
age
30-35,
writes: have read, quite a few times on here, about wanting to find true love at such a young age (or feeling someone had met 'the one' and thus didn't want the relationship to end despite the fact something is going wrong etc etc...) and therefore I felt that I should share my 'experience' to help people as much as possible. I was exactly like every idealist, romantic person out there, with almost every relationship I was in. Through my eyes, every relationship was built to last. Every boy I met had the possibility of becoming a future husband who I would one days share a last name with. (In hindsight, this is all rather silly). In my defence, I would sometimes have boyfriends who would also share this insight with me (of course this was all just words as otherwise I would not be single right now!)So, what made me change? Surely the romantic, idealist girl, who was just begging to find Mr. Right, would still be scanning every potential male to become a suitable suitor? Wrong. Two things made me change my mind: 1) University and this summer 2) Other people's stories.I think, to stop people becoming confused, I shall start with describing the first one. It was not so long ago that a relationship I was in (bounded to survive the torments and troubles of a long-distance relationship during university) came to a screeching halt the day my exams finished. I must admit it was a shock to the system and I, naturally being a romantic looking forward to the long summer we could share together, felt my life slightly shatter again. At first I thought this was dreadful! All the plans, everything, gone! But, after the drama had died down, and I realised I was still alive another day, I started to think (and by think I really mean think). This summer for myself is jammed packed with either my job, going away or seeing my friends (I'm young, what do you expect?) To be honest, the idea of having a boyfriend would weigh me down. All those cancellations with all my friends to make so and so happy, and no way could I be spontaneous. Also, the phone bill would be huge. As my aim at university is not to get off with every breathing person, have sex with unknown people and date almost every man on campus; I could not understand how a relationship at university could not work. Like I said, young and naive. Just from this recent break up, I've been able to realise that relationships at university give someone such an emotional strain. The constant worry over what your girlfriend/boyfriend is doing, Should you go out? Oh, but you promised them you'd call! Or maybe you can't go away with your friends this weekend as your boyfriend/girlfriend is coming to see you. In short, you're instantly tied down. For the first time ever this summer I really understood the term: 'You're only young once'. I have years to meet Mr. Right, but I only have a few years left where it is acceptable to come home plastered, and go to work drunk etc...Somehow, motherhood doesn't seem to allow that. I don't know if this is the same for others, but I find relationships have such emotional strains attached to them. Right now, I have to question: is it worth it? Really, right now, when life is bliss, is the trouble and worries of long-term commitments really so necessary? My second point is all the stories I have heard of adolescents finding their true love and settling down at a young age. Now, I'm not saying they aren't happy, and really it's brilliant they have found love, but all of them have had a sense of wishing they were able to 'play the field'. I don't mean these people are players, but it's perhaps the idea that they feel life is wasted slightly. My friend for example has been with her boyfriend for 2 years. He adores her, and I can't say I'm not happy for them, cause that would be a massive lie. In fact, I envy the fact they are able to maintain such a stable, loving relationship for so long! However, there is always the sense that my friend is slightly bored. I know whoever I meet, I'd want to make them feel wonderful every day, somehow, I doubt I can do that now! I'm not saying that teenage relationships don't work, nor am I discriminating them! However, I'm questioning those who believe they have found the 'one' so soon, or so scared and worried over a relationship. We are so young, and should be having fun! Are all those relationship crisis' worth it? Or, should we be having fun and experiencing life till we meet the perfect person who we can share it with too? At the end of the day, we will live another day, even if it is without that person!
View related questions:
drunk, my ex, player, university Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (3 January 2009):
I think you are quite insightful, and express it rather eloquently. Are you really 15? How do you happen to be attending university at that age?
You are right that most teenage relationships are transitory. (Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of teen couples try to use sex as some kind of magic glue that will hold together a relationship. Young couples, even couples that have been together for months or years, often seem to break up within a few days or weeks of adding sex to their relationship - but that's a topic for another thread.)
On the other hand, I count among my acquaintances several couples who first became attached during High School and now have been married for decades. I suspect most of them would agree that the love they now have is different in character from the love they had as adolescents. You are correct that many teen relationships are based on a need for personal affirmation, or social status, rather than real commitment to each other. But when you're actually in that kind of relationship I don't know how to reliably tell the difference.
I have had only two girlfriends, and loved both of them. The first started when I was just a few weeks short of turning 18 and continued for about 6 months. To this day I think we could have had a satisfying and successful marriage. Although the love we shared at 18 was NOT the same kind of love that would have sustained us through decades of marriage, I think we could have developed a long-term married love. Although breaking up was painful, I have no regrets from loving her, no animosity toward her, and sincerely hope she has found love and fulfillment in her life. (Patty, I wish I could tell you that in person.)
I met my second girlfriend after I graduated from college. We married about a year after meeting and are still married (to each other!) over 30 years later. I can now see that my second girlfriend was a better match for me as a wife than the first girl - but I wonder how much of that is simply because the first relationship happened at 18 but I didn't meet my wife until I was 22.
So don't dismiss or deprecate the relationships you have now because you are "only 18". They may, indeed, be the basis for something very long-term. And even if they aren't, I think you can enjoy, appreciate, and learn from them. Keep in mind that they will need to go through a process of change and maturation before they become anything like the "true love" you mentioned. On the other hand, don't automatically assume that every guy you date will be "the one". I don't believe that there is only one "right person". Rather, there are many people who can become "the one" but it takes mutual effort, commitment, and BEING "the right person" as well as FINDING "the right person".
A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 True love at 18 - its a fallacy. There is no such thing. There is only love but I would not go for the adjective true. Maybe romance should be the right term.
True love is not found even at 28, 38 and what ever age. True love is an illusion written for romance books and love songs. Getting married isn't about true love and in some cases ends up in divorce.
True love is sacrifice and unconditional. It is very rare between two different persons. It is common between a mother and a child. True love is when the one who loves gives up an organ without compensation so that his love will live longer than him. True love is when one who loves gives up his life so that another may live.
...............................
A
female
reader, lovekristinax +, writes (10 December 2008):
I believe some people are ment to be but people shouldn't over do it on relationships. Alot of college and highschool students I know just get boyfriends because of their friends. I believe you should be having fun in college and somebody will come your way, but alot of us worry we only have 4 more years until we graduate college and then what. If you think about it you really ony have about 8 years of your life to find someone considering in highschool and college you have a wide variety of people and ages. When you go into the work force alot of people are not the same age as you, so therefore I would say that highschool and college is a prime time to find someone to spend the rest of your life with.
...............................
|
