A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in my 30s and am in my first relationship for 3 years. I have never got into a relationship earlier because I tend to have a high expectations of people and my insecurities. During this time when I am in a relationship, I realized that I have a lot of issues within myself which I will bring it up as a subject to my partner (hoping to discuss) and she will be like saying I am over-thinking everything. Which is true and I have no control over. I always refer back to the time when we just started. She was the sweetest person to me and gave me a lot of assurance. As time goes by, she begin to show me lesser attentiveness and my insecurities awakens. I am not even telling her to shower me with gifts or do anything extraordinary romantic. Sometimes she doesn't even ask what I am doing and the text message we have for the day is just "good morning daring' and "good night daring". She never plan anything for us now and did not even initiate to go out with me. On the other hand, I have a sensitive nature which only make things worst. I pick up her mood easily and know when she is not feeling it. I had to question her what is wrong. She is absolutely fed-up when I start to question. I have told her about my issues, but she is not willing to help me through. She has also told me that she did not love me as much as the beginning, which is very hurtful. This cycle has goes on for 3 years. Sometimes it gets so bad, we think that it is best if we will separate from each other.But it is very difficult for me... and I do not want to leave her if I had a choice. It just happened again about an hour ago. I told her that if she didn't want to talk and I don't know how I can help myself. I don't know if there is any other ways to save our relationship? I am feeling so miserable and is having difficulties sleeping at night.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 March 2016):
 I am sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment, but remember it will get easier. You will slowly begin to heal and feel like yourself again. When you feel like you are missing her remember how the relationship made you feel, how she didn't bother to put in any effort, and remember you deserve better than that. All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,
Thank you for the advices. I tried my best to make it work but the signs of "unappreciation" were too strong for me to ignore.
To the extern, i felt angry as if i was not being respected.
It was the last straw for me yesterday and we broke up. It was very difficult and painful for me but seeing that she is nonchalant about it makes me feel that perhaps it was right for me to let her go.
My partner is also my co-worker and we are from a group of common good friends. You can imagine.
It hurts me so much and i couldn't stop crying. On the subway, in the rest room, at my workstation, every night.
A part of me wanted us to be together again but i know it may only cause her (and myself) misery.
Thank you for every reply that i have recieved here and it really help me in the process.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 March 2016):
It might actually be a good idea if you and her where to have a break from each other to figure out what you both want. It is clear that the relationship is not working out for you both at the moment. Therefore why don't you tell her you need some time alone to sort out your life. Then find a therapist, talk to them, try and help yourself.
After you are feeling stronger maybe you can both meet up and talk about what each of you want. But maybe you will then realize that the relationship is dead. You are wanting more from her than she is giving, she has made it clear she is making no effort, which shows me she is tired of this relationship, therefore maybe a break apart with no contact will do you both good in the long run, to sort out each of your lives.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 March 2016):
 I think you could initiate outings together, fun things, but resist the temptation to get into discussions about your feelings and what you believe to be her failures in the relationship.
Be the person you were when you were first dating. If she feels good about herself while in your company, she'll want to spend more time in it.
It may take a while for her to trust that a date is going to be positive, but if you stay the course, she might come around. If she doesn't then perhaps the relationship is over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply! i am starting to think that she just want a non-commitment relationship, where we don't call and talk to each other, we only meet up if she is in a better mood.
I am starting to take a back step as well (although it is very difficult) Do you suggest that i will not plan anything now and wait for her to initiate?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 March 2016):
Thanks for the follow up, OP.
Honesty will be a big part of your self recovery. With that in mind you might want to ask yourself what YOU contribute to the relationship. I think you'll have to admit that a lot of what you consider to be signs of affection toward your girlfriend are really your attempts to get her to reassure and validate you. That's not giving. That's fishing for something to be given to you.
A fisherman doesn't donate a net to the sea. He casts a net so the sea will give up fish to HIM.
She doesn't know how long she can continue the way things are. Why not give her reasons to stay? Your relationship used to be fun and rewarding. Make it that way again by carrying your own weight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all,
Thank you and i apprecaite the helpful advices. What everyone said make perfect sense to me and i do need help to walk out of this negativity. I acknolwege my problems and i can imagine that it must be terrible to be in a close relationship with me :( I might start with online counselling first.
I have resented my partner for not putting in any effort to our relationship which she admits is true and when i ask her what does she think is the purpose of our relationship she replied that she don't know.
For someone who is not even sure if she wants to be with me... do i still need to persist on?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 March 2016):
I agree with Maverick, except on one or two points.
I don't think you should ask your girlfriend to help you find a therapist. Each one will have their own style and speciality and you need to find the right fit for you. You may have to visit a few before you find the one. Your girlfriend doesn't need the extra responsibility and finding one yourself is part of the healing process.
You don't have to commit to weekly or monthly sessions for the foreseeable future. You can read online articles and forums, sign up for a couple of sessions, ponder and practice what you may have learned in those for a while then set up another.
It's not a matter of your girlfriend being qualified. Any wise, companionate and intuitive person is qualified. This is the kind of thing family and friends do, though sometimes it helps to talk to someone outside your circle. It's that your girlfriend, like anyone including a paid professional, is going to lose interest in trying to help you if all they hear is a broken record of fear and negativity. You've got to use some self discipline.
And finally, relationships always start out as passionate and exciting with folks texting and calling one another often and seeming to have unlimited time and attention. Eventually, the passion settles down into a deeper, more secure connection and all those things we neglected during the courting phase, time to ourselves, catching up with other friends, errands etc start calling out to us again. This is not diminished interest - it's normal so there is no need to panic.
Whether you decide to see a professional or not is up to you, but in the meantime, you've got to quit bending your girlfriend's ear. She needs to hear hope and cheerfulness. She needs you to be the fun person you showed yourself to be when you first met.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 March 2016):
What you're doing is using your girlfriend as a therapist. So I'm really happy you're reaching out to us, because she's not qualified to be one. Plus in a relationship, it's not really nice to push that extra role onto your significant other. Your girlfriend can love you, but she can't fix you.
You say she used to be more attentive and reassuring. Let me tell you what I think happened: in the beginning, she thought you were a little insecure and figured a few assurances and some extra attention would fix that.
But unlike other people, you NEED other people to validate you in order to feel good about yourself. And that is exhausting for other people, plus very unhealthy for yourself. How are you ever going to get control over your life and your wellbeing if you place that responsibility in other people's hands?
Your girlfriend is tired of being your emotional crutch. That's part of why she loves you less than she used to. You need to be able to stand on your own. And to do that, you need to seek out PROFESSIONAL help.
You reached out to us. That's the first step in tackling your own problems by yourself. Now go the extra mile and seek out a psychologist. They won't fix you, but they can look at your issues objectively and hand you the tools so you can learn to help yourself.
As for saving this relationship, apologizing goes a long way.
Step one: acknowledge your girlfriend's feelings and your role in them. So for example, tell her you realize you've been leaning on her way too much for emotional support.
Step two: apologize: tell her that you realize that's an unfair burden to place on her and that you're sorry you did.
Step three: the plan of action: tell her you're going to seek out help from a psychologist to help deal with your issues.
Step four: ask her what else you can do to improve things because you really value this relationship.
If seeking out a psychologist or a counselor seems especially daunting, you can ask for her (or another loved one's) help in finding one, but refrain from discussing your issues with them. They're yours to deal with.
Good luck OP. And as for worrying, I used to stress myself out a lot over a lot of things, but the following mindset has helped me a lot:
"Can you do something about the situation?
No? Then don't worry; it's out of your hands.
Yes? Then don't worry, because you can do something about it.
Have you done everything you could do and it's still not solved? Then don't worry, it's out of your hands."
This sounds very simplistic, but it has saved me from a lot of tossing and turning at night.
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