A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Trying to cut a long story short as I just need an outsiders point of view. I have been with my partner for almost 14 years and throughout this time he has a lot of pressure from his parents. Not only that, they make him feel not good enough, he is always criticised and always received sarcastic remarks. After all this time, this behaviour is rubbing off on him. He’s starting to make the snide comments towards me, or for example if I have an opinion he never agrees with it, almost doing it on purpose, or him adamantly saying I’m wrong when I know what I said is right. Due to my dad having a stroke emotions have been high this week. Within this time his dad has been sending me all the food lists he’s getting for Christmas. Staying at our house I explained he didn’t have to get anything and he was here to relax. I honestly couldn’t think what I was doing, but the last thing I needed was him telling me what we are having. I love hosting and not having my toes trod on. So fast forward to Christmas Eve, we get home from Christmas shopping and he’s at our house with everything prepared. Whenever I’ve cooked anything in the past he’s got involved, telling me that’s not right or you can’t put this with that. So I made the decision to let it go and keep out of the way. Meanwhile I am upstairs, my husband shouts at me ‘can you help!’ I explained after past events that my efforts were not good enough and felt staying out the way was the best thing to do. When I felt it was the right time I went down to ask if any help was wanted to receive a comment from his dad saying ‘lazy, come now when it’s all done why don’t you.’ To avoid any confrontation I just turned around and went upstairs. I sat and cried, I didn’t know where I stood in my own home. A few minutes later my husband came up and said ‘now look what you’ve done, you’ve made him cry’. While sitting there in tears after a week of agony, I just said ‘I didn’t know what to do, emotions are high’. Meanwhile, downstairs his dad is crying hysterical, telling me I’ve ruined his life and now he wants to go. I felt sick and responsible, for what? I again, went upstairs and got continuing messages telling me I need to help (from my husband). While I am still emotionally exhausted I pretend that I’m ok. The whole evening I just felt awful and explained to my husband at bed time that I was heartbroken after a long week. His response was ‘well you shouldn’t have acted like that when you came down then’. Baring mind all I was turn around and walk back upstairs. I don’t know what answers I am looking for, but I feel like I can’t say or do anything right. Am I being unreasonable being upset?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): To Honey Pie: Could the OPs Father have picked a diffent time frame, in which to have his stroke too? Be real. The OP is going through the trauma of having a parent with a life threatening illness and you wish to scold her for walking away from an insensitive uncaring husband, and a cruel rude father in law, who does not understand his place, while visiting the OPs home? OP, I pray that your Dad recovers from this episode of stroke! My GOD strengthen your Dad and you! Xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): I beg to differ with Honey Pie! As I see it OP, you did NOTHING wrong! Christmas Eve works both ways! OPs Dad had a stroke! Everyone present, at her home, should as a matter of common decency, be showing her total compassion and treating her with kidd gloves, as she stands to lose her Father to a most traumatic experience! What kind of idiotic man, and that goes for father in law and OPs husband, would not show sympathy and compassion to the Lady of the house, when she is amidst a crisis that threatens to change the entire life dynamic, which she has always known? To insult the hostess, whose home you are a guest in, knowing the circumstances, shows what a rude and cruel classless man the father in law truly is! If I were in the OPs place, that man would never be a guest in my home again! Further, the husband would be read the riot act on emotional and verbal abuse, and put on notice the mental abuse CAN be a grounds for divorce! For his probation, he would know that he is skating on thin ice! OP, I pray 4U!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 December 2019):
 No I don't think you are being unreasonable for being upset, however, you CHOSE to make waves on a day that is emotional for a LOT of people, not just you.
You could have decided to walk away from cooking a meal with your partner ANOTHER day.
You could have forwarded the messages of what HIS dad wanted cooked to your partner as well.
And you COULD have written your partner's father a menu of what YOU planned to cook and that you were sticking with that menu, but anything extra he couple suggest to his SON.
And perhaps you could have suggested to your partner that
you didn't feel up to cooking a whole lot and then consequently taken the BF and father and gone out to a Christmas meal instead.
Instead you decided that "this is the hill I'll die on" on Christmas Eve. Ruining the day for everyone there.
However, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? There are a LOT of things you could have done, but in the moment you didn't think that far, you are worried about your dad, about losing him and then all you get from your partner is nagging and his dad adds on to that nagging to, you got no support, just critique. So in that sense you probably didn't the best you could in the situation, but the best way YOU felt this could be handled. It is what it is. HOW do you move forward.
While I ABSOLUTELY agree that snide remarks are hurtful and when someone CONSTANTLY tell you that you are doing things wrong it's a good idea to suggest THEY do it instead. But... perhaps not on Christmas Eve when emotions were running high?
You NEED to sit your partner down and TELL him, WHY you felt the need to do what you did. He might not appreciate it or even understand it (as he probably think his "critique" is helpful) I think you need to put it into words WHY you simply had enough that day.
That you NEEDED support but only got snide remarks. You two need to be better at communicating and YOU need to nip things in the bud. Like him starting with snide hurtful remarks, DON'T let that continue if that is hurtful, tell him right then and there that it's hurtful and not appreciated. REMIND him of how HE felt about his parents snide remarks and then ask him why he would turn around and do it to you.
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