A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have had our ups and downs. When it is good it is REALLY good. The passion is high. We share a lot and are similar in many ways. But we have had our share of down-at-the mouth fights. Somehow we remained together. I sometimes have anxiety because I know things can go from absolutely amazing to a bad fight over something trivial in a matter of minutes. Not that they always do, but there is always that fear, because it has happened now enough to say it is a pattern. We were having an incredible weekend at a vacation home away from the city, lots of laughter and great times. He did a lot for me, cooked me meals and was very attentive. I thanked him throughout the weekend, telling him how great he was, etc. And he was complimentary in return. Well later things did get bad fast.. He suddenly got tired and wanted to go to bed right away. I had to finish a work assignment on my laptop which I explained to him. He became extremely annoyed, telling me “you better come to bed soon because I’m going to set the alarm very early”. It was still a holiday the next day, and I felt a rush of stress as his tone was definitely challenging. I explained again that I did need to finish up work and to go ahead to bed. He went outside for a bit, then came in and shut the door hard (almost a slam), which made me look up at him. He said “what are you staring at?” I then looked down at his feet, and he was tracking in mud. I told him that he should clean off his feet before getting into the bed, to which he made a number of sarcastic remarks that nothing is ever good enough for me. I said why don’t you lie down on the bed and I’ll clean your feet off with a nice cool cloth for you? He said no, he would do it himself, since I lost the one of the cloths earlier he didn’t want to waste any more, and went back outside cleaning them in the lake. He went to bed. I followed him shortly after. When I got to the room he cried out “Don’t turn on the light!” I said “I need to turn on the light to see where my stuff is, and you aren’t asleep anyway, so just put the blanket over your head!”. He sighed angrily and made more sarcastic remarks. I turned on the light and lay down on top of him, hoping we would joke around, I asked him to show me the alarm, and said I would change it to later since it was a holiday. He said he wouldn’t show it to me, I tried to tickle him but he was just angry. He told me to get off of him, and I told him that it wasn’t ONLY up to him what time to get up on OUR vacation. (Another problem with the alarm is that he sets it to go off at least 3-4 times every 5 mins, which he himself sleeps through, but which is like torture to me). He finally said he would change it but wouldn’t show me the alarm, then went on about how I don’t trust him (as I wanted to see the alarm), how nothing is every good enough, and started swearing at me saying “F--- what is your Fing problem. I do everything for you and all you do is complain”. His lips went all thin and tremble-y and you could feel his rage. At this point I lost it and I slapped him on the arm. I am not proud of this and have never done something like that in our time together. But these trivial fights have been pushing my stress levels over the edge. As an aside, he is a big man and I am small and not that strong, not that that is an excuse. However, I do feel bullied and overpowered by his stubbornness and sarcastic remarks against me. Fast forward and he has now left me stranded at the vacation place. We were supposed to drive back together but he told me I can find my own way back (because of the fight on the previous night). He called me when he was down the road and offered to drop me off at a friend’s place which I said no to because she was away and I could not get in to her house. He said “well that’s my only offer because you are not coming home with me, because we will just be at each other’s throats all night.” I said “fine, I will have to try to get a ride in with a neighbor then. But I might not even find a way to work”. He said "I'm sure you can figure something out", and left for his appointment. I know these ridiculous trivial fights are toxic. But as crazy as it sounds a part of me doesn't want to let go of this relationship. I love him. And I know I am not blameless.What can I do?
View related questions:
bullied Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2017): Thank you to everyone for the responses. You have all given me a lot to think about and I guess both of us have issues. There have been extreme answers here on both sides, and I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Youwish, I never said I was blameless, I said I was not blameless- as in, I realize what I did was awful. I would like to believe I am a better person than that and it makes me question if the two of us are right for each other when we seem to bring out the worst in each other at these times (but other times we really do bring out the best). Also, I wanted to add that both of us work jobs that require us to log in at very inopportune times, so this work was not optional. And also, we had done PLENTY of cuddling the whole weekend so...that wasn't an issue. BOth of us were very overtired.
Another aspect I didn't clarify was that we have this vacation home/cottage for the whole summer, and we do have some friends in the area (although not overly close friends) so perhaps this makes him leaving me there more understandable, but still hurtful. Still not sure if I deserved that or not.
I think I don't know how to healthily deal with his moods and especially his sarcasm. I feel overwhelmed and then I feel anger in response because I don't understand where it is coming from.
As a further update, he did try to call me the morning after, I am assuming to make sure I found a way back to work (and hopefully that he would have come back for me if not). (I did find a neighbour).
Still torn as to what my next step should be as I do love him but it is a constant blend of wonderful and then dysfunctional.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 July 2017):
 If there was one piece of advice that I could give you then it would be to run for the hills.
These are not trivial fights and he's not just another annoying boyfriend. He's someone who is not to be trusted, he has anger management problems and he has no decency or humanity in him. No matter how bad your fight was, there was no justification in leaving you stranded at your vacation house. No way. A decent man would never ever treat a lady in this way and that too his own partner.
I don't know if he's trying to get you to break up with him as the other aunts have suggested. I think he suffers from an awful complex and is generally an angry, unlikeable, unhappy person. You're the better person in every way in the relationship and he knows that and can't stand it. He doesn't love you. He just loves the ego boost that he gets from you being with him. He negates everything that you tell him because that is his way of making himself feel superior. A person who is confident and happy in themselves would never do that. He is an obnoxious bully and thrives on making you feel inferior because he has nothing else to use.
Trust me OP, you need to get away from him. I can't stress it enough but you need to, right now. Don't waste your love on someone who doesn't deserve or appreciate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2017):
 I'm not so ready to jump all over this guy and render you blameless, OP. We'll start with the obvious part which spun this fight out of control, and that is YOU putting your hands on him and hitting him. It doesn't matter whether it's on the arm or in the face! You struck him! That's domestic abuse, and NOTHING justifies that. It is just as wrong for you to do it to him as it would have been if he had slapped you across the face. Your fight became "hands-on", so it was probably a good thing you spent time apart cooling off.
The other part would have had me REALLY pissed off if I were on a weekend vacation with my husband. If I had cooked for him and been really attentive with him and went all out to make the vacation romantic and special, I would have GONE THROUGH THE ROOF if my husband started doing a **work assignment** during our vacation, and choosing BEDTIME as the time to do it! Wouldn't it have been better to get all of the work done and NOT BROUGHT work WITH you while on a special romantic vacation with your boyfriend who cooked for you and went all out to make things special for you?? I don't approve of how he handled his anger and resentment at you, but come on. You finally have time away, and you're eager to....break open the laptop on holiday to do a work assignment. POOR timing and extremely insensitive on your part. I'd be jumping into bed and cuddling with the man at bedtime if he did all of this stuff for me throughout the day, not cuddling with a work assignment while AT A VACATION HOME.
You could have cuddled with him for a lousy half hour, and then snuck back out afterward with a post-coital smile still on your face, and gone into another room to do the work thing if it was THAT unavoidable!
Sorry, but this could have been avoided. You made choices about work projects that he had no input in or about, and he responded by making the alarm clock into some sort of battle of wills. If he's upset at something, he's ALLOWED to voice his disappointment! HITTING him because his voice was "thin and trembly with rage" was really not cool. He got angry at you, so your response is to hit him because he was angry?? How often does that happen??
He's right. You have power and control issues in your relationship. He may have been passive about it in the past, but this fight drove him over the edge. It's possible that you putting your hands on him *is* the last straw for him, but either way, you have an honest and serious conversation.
I have feelings about bringing work on a couple's vacation. To me, it's like constantly checking your smart phone while on a date. You said that your boyfriend was very attentive to you while you were on vacation. You didn't return the favor. Thanking him isn't returning the favor. Waiting until bedtime and breaking out work on a vacation night is NOT returning the favor. Keeping the laptop closed and giving HIM your undivided bedroom attention is the BEST KIND of returning the favor.
I think you need to make things right with him. There *Is* fault on both sides, but you putting your hands on him is a nuclear event that is absolutely out of line, and you need to make amends for doing that. Had he come on here and said that his girlfriend hit him, I'd tell him to break up with you because you are abusive. You need to make that right BEFORE dealing with the tangled web of the rest of the fight.
It's possible he's looking for a reason to leave you, which is maybe why he stranded you at the vacation house. It's also possible he didn't want to retaliate and hit you back, and if he was angry and his voice "challenging", you hitting him would make him ANGRIER, so actually disengaging and walking away from the fight was the mature thing to do.
Sorry I'm the odd person out on this one, but in my relationship, I tend to be the workaholic. I have learned to have work and family and love boundaries, which are vital in a healthy relationship. Bedtime is especially sacrosanct in my opinion, because that's just the two of you together.
I'm confused as to why an alarm was even needed for a holiday?? If you both were still on vacation the next day in a vacation house, why the alarm?? Why not sleep in and enjoy a glorious vacation morning? I don't get it!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 July 2017):
 I'm with the others.
The only logical explanation I can think of someone reacting this way to something so minuscule is to make you want to break up with him. How on earth could he think it's acceptable to leave you at the place of your holiday?
What an absolute asshole. If this is what you think a normal relationship is like then you're sadly mistaken. If this happened to me I wouldn't even bother trying to salvage the relationship, it would be over for me. What a grade A dick.
...............................
A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (4 July 2017):
 He sounds like a total wanker and you would be better off out of the relationship. Even when you tried to defuse the situation he carried on being completely unreasonable and to leave you to get home on your own was deeply unpleasant. In my opinion, you deserve much, much better x
...............................
A
female
reader, EmmaB87 +, writes (4 July 2017):
 I feel from reading this that your boyfriend is trying to end things with you.
He is purposefully starting silly arguments with you and wanting a reaction from you. Maybe he hasn't got the confidence to finish the relationship so is doing things and hoping you will be the one to end the relationship?
If things don't get sorted out soon the arguments may get worse and there's nothing worse than ending a relationship badly.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2017):
 Fights like these do not come out of nowhere and I would say these are not part of normal ups and downs. He's trying to break up with you or get you to break up with him. When a person really loves you, even when he's tired he would be in bliss that he gets to spend vacation with you. He instigated fights with you. He put on an act to be nice beforehand so you would not think he's the bad guy.
If you confront him about why the fights are so frequent he would play dumb and say it's all your fault. The lines he used in the argument sound like they were scripted and very cliché. He purposefully pushed you to the edge and when you became physical although not right, it was to be expected. You did not cause the fights. He was turning everything you said to be negative and was blowing things out of proportion. I would save my dignity and break up with him. The part of him you loved is gone for some reason. He would either say you were ungrateful, overreacting or he would sound relieved that you did it for him. Either way the relationship had run its course and he used an arsehole, cowardly way to end it.
...............................
|
