A
female
age
41-50,
*atilda1979
writes:Hi not sure if anyone will be able to help but hoping someone can give some advice or even discuss similar experiences?So I'm 38 have a boyfriend of 7 years and 2 young children (5 and 6) life is quiet and settled never any arguments, however there has been nothing physical between me and him for almost 2 years this wasn't that big an issue till I started a new job last year. In my new job I have met a lovely coworker (who is openly gay) and i have fallen for her big time (I have dated a woman in the past) we see/talk to each other every day at work and she knows all about my situation at home, however nothing has happened between me and coworker I'm unsure she even knows I like her in that way?I've no idea what to do should I try and ignore these feelings? I'd have no intention of starting an affair but unsure of next steps?!??
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affair, at work, co-worker, crush Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 Why has nothing happened physically in two years? Surely that would spell the end off the relationship for most, are you both just together for the children? Surely you need more to survive this relationship. Honestly I think you need to talk to your partner about how you both can improve your relationship, its not fair to either off you living like flat mates, and believe me children can pick up when their is something going on with their parents, so staying together for their benefit is pointless.
As for this other girl, my guess is you have developed feelings for her because your relationship at home is dead. Work on your relationship first and least then you can say you tried.
A
female
reader, Matilda1979 +, writes (5 July 2017):
Matilda1979 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to both for giving advice and answering! To the anonymous reader please be Assured I have no intention of having an affair as stated! He is my boyfriend (not husband) I refuse to marry as think it could bring further complications! One of the biggest things that's messing with my head is that my coworker is female some would say I'm just curious but as I've had a girlfriend in the past it is not just curious. I agree it would break him and our children to walk away so I guess it's about keeping them happy and accepting that this is how it has to be. Again thanku for your answers
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2017): The co-worker is exciting because he isn't your husband. That could apply to almost any guy who is half decent.There is a reason you said I DO to your husband for the rest of your lives, isn't there?At one time, wasn't he shiny new like your co-worker?Don't you think that in time had you married your co-worker, the shine would wear off him too once real life hit you and you settled into a comfortable routine together?You are feeling lonely and neglected and having some nice, feel good fantasies to boost your low self esteem and feelings of neglect.This is natural.However, just realize that the grass is greener when you water your own grass. The lawn on the other side may look greener but once you set foot on it, it is also going to require a lot of work. Appearances are deceiving. To the person who is lost in a dessert for years and is desperate for a drink, the shiny fountain off in the distance is going to be quite tempting. But it is all just a mirage. An illusion.This guy is a fantasy figure who is taking you away from your problems. An escape. That is all.Once you think about the reality of it, it is going to be much more complicated and different than what you bargained for.Starting an affair is going to make things worse. Much worse. In the beginning, it is wonderful and the high or addiction of the feelings you thought you could never feel again, the passion of it all, becomes all encompassing. But once that fades, and it does for everyone, you will be left with guilt and pain all around. And a whole new set of problems. Your husband's heart will be destroyed and so will your children's. Please don't do that to a man. It will damage him severely. If you have any love or respect left for him, you will do right by him. Do not be selfish.It is best to be honest about your relationship. Do not involved outside people. It does not end well for anyone.If you no longer love or want to be with your husband, then leave. If you find that your co-worker is also interested in you once you are divorced and moving on with life, then by all means date him. If you start before, while you are married, you are going to lose respect for him once you start to have feelings for him that go deeper, because he got involved with a woman who was still married. Conversely, he is never going to trust you because you started an affair with him while having a husband. It is going to be a relationship which started on shaky ground and it will never be healthy.I just really frown on the idea of some selfish married person getting their rocks off at the expense of their spouse, who loves them and is blind to the deception. It is cruel to do this to another human being. The person you are spending your life with. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you have felt if your husband starting banging another woman behind your back? Rather than coming to you and telling you he was unhappy, giving YOU a chance to work at it, giving you BOTH a chance to salvage your relationship? A band aid only pushes the inevitable away. You will have a little fun in fantasy land for a while. But real life is right there. Staring you in the face. You are only just pushing it away. Forgetting it exists. But it's there, right on the horizon, waiting for you. And for what? A cheap roll in the hay? If you go through with it, you will see for yourself. I cannot explain it. But I can tell you that you will regret it in every single way.You will be dancing with the devil in disguise. And he will destroy you. It is always better to hurt someone HONESTLY than hurt them with DECPETION.Be kind to your husband, the father of your children.He has a heart too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2017):
 Last two times I crushed on others when I was still involved in relationships, I ended them. There was no point staying if I don't love that person anymore. I think crushes can be a healthy thing to remind you what it feels to be alive, what it feels like to like someone again. Crushes can act as cushions when you foresee a relationship ending. If the sex can't be improved in a relationship and your partner won't seek medical help, you may no longer feel the need to be attached to him anymore. Your coworker may not want to date someone in the work place but the crush lets you know that your heart is ready for something else at least.
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