A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may seem like a strange question but my partner’s mom lives in a retirement community in Florida. He has gone down to visit in the past for 1 to 2 months. I’ve gone with him for 2 weeks max but I’m not able to stay as long because my ex and I co parent our disabled son. He needs a lot of our time and care. Usually when I accompany my bf to Florida my ex takes a couple of weeks off from work. My bf is retired and can pick up and go whenever he wants.The problem is we had an argument last March and the next day when I called him he was in the car on his way to Florida without me. I had no idea he was going to do this. I feel like he may have used this fight as an excuse to leave. He came back and we resumed life together. But I’ve been weary since. His mother is 91 and whether anyone likes it or not, she’s on the tail end of her life. Within the next 5-10 years or less he stands to inherit her condo. He has always hated our cold Canadian winters and gets despondent and lethargic in the winter. He loves travel and spending winters in warm weather climates but my hands are tied. I can’t go around globe trotting with him, even if I wanted to. I have my son. In a few years he will enter assisted living but in the meantime I need to be around. I was talking to my partner today and he said if we are no longer together he will move to Florida for half the year once he inherits his mother’s condo. I think him saying something like that is offensive and pathetic. It seems like he’s planning for failure or has a plan B. As far as I’m concerned, as long as he has the silver lining of the Florida sun shining in the distance, he won’t care too much about losing me. Nor is currently invested enough in this relationship. When you have an attractive option, you won’t work at what you have. That’s how I see it. What is your view of this? Do you think he will break my heart if I stay with him knowing that travel and moving to a warm climate is my competition? I cannot compete against that. I am afraid of the winter coming. I feel like he’s going to tell me he’s going to Florida and I will have no choice but to wait for him to return. I have anxiety. And how do I know he doesn’t have another woman down there? So he keeps one when it’s warm in Canada and one when it’s not warm in Canada? How is that good for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2022): It is difficult to really make a fair assessment of your situation; because you're both committed to different responsibilities. I understand your side, perhaps a little better; because you have a child with special needs, and you can't just up and leave anytime on a whim. Yet, you agreed to a relationship and remained in it; even while knowing this man travels south frequently, due to a sickly mother.
I don't get how you would presume on how he feels about his mother. If you believe he is only interested in inheriting her property, why would you remain in a relationship with a man you have such a cynical view regarding his character? You're not married, so he's unincumbered to traveling whenever he pleases; yet you have an open-invitation to accompany him whenever you can. He makes no qualms about it, because your reasons are undisputable.
Most of what you've written about this man is based on presumption; or your anxiety that he may have another woman down in Florida. If he's beginning to give you feelings of distrust or angst; that's cause for a pause, to assess the practicality of maintaining the relationship. You've cited some red-flags; speculating he's only interested in inheriting his mother's condo upon her death; hence, the heck with his relationship and anything else thereafter.
Be any of this the case, perhaps you should save yourself all the trouble and just end it. He's a mature-gentleman, experienced with relationships. His mother is 91 years-old, clinging to life. In his shoes, I would visit her as much as possible; and if free to do so, nothing would stop me, including a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. I think it was a spiteful move to leave without telling you he was leaving; but if he knows you don't trust him, perhaps that makes things even.
If he's just "vulturing" over his dying mother, and you feel he's up to no-good; I think you've argued yourself a fairly reasonable case to dump him. I wouldn't expect a man well into his sixties (or over) to be as sentimental as a man half his age; but I can understand a man who still cares enough for his mother that he would drive hundreds of miles to be with her, when he could just sit and wait. I love Florida, the weather, and the beaches. His mother benefits; and may only cling to life knowing, she will see her son who lives far up in Canada, but will travel the distance to spend her last days together. I could choose a more cynical view of his intentions; but all I have to go by is your opinion. He doesn't tell us his side of this.
If it will relieve your stress and anxiety, so you can concentrate on caring for your disabled child. I'd recommend dumping him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2022): He may perhaps be self -centered, but surely he has not been devious or elusive.He told you loud and clear , his plan is , as soon as his mother dies ,which cannot be in a very distant future...to go live 6 months each year in Florida. I have to decide if you want, and can ,most of all ,fit into this plan (I guess not, because of your son- even if on a while he is admitted in assisted living, you'd want to visit him sort of regularly,wouldn't you ? ), or if you won't fit. Not all people and not all life plans alas are compatible with us and our plans. If he loves sunny weather and will have the chance soon to escape Canada for sunny Florida, can you really blame him ? It's like a dream come true for him and at his age people have the right to grab their dreams if they only can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 August 2022):
 I can see both sides here.
But, I think he is being unfair and stringing you along while waiting on his mother to pass away.
While she is alive he only visits Florida, once she is passed he is staying there 50/50 which would also mean he would drop you.
You are not a top priority to him. You are just there to keep him company while he waits.
Do I think he has someone in Florida? Not at the moment, when he is there he is spending time with his mom. Not chasing ladies. That can change though. You never know.
You are the toy he picks up and put back on the shelf while living HIS life.
Also, would you really want to live so far away from your special needs son? Even if he gets into the assisted living facility?
You are dating someone who has plans for the future that doesn't really involve you.
So YOU know this relationship has an expiration date. Do you want to continue seeing him? Or not. You do have the choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2022): I understand and totally agree with you. It is as if he already has it all worked out on an - I will be alright and nobody else matters basis. That you must make all of the efforts, compromises, have all of the problems that go with that. But you should stop thinking it would break your heart and see this for what it is. He is a selfish guy, and if you remember that he cannot break your heart. Selfish guys are not worth the heartache that can come with a guy. You cannot change how he is but you can change how you react to it, and that is what you should do. It's also a huge mistake to let him dictate all of the future between you with you sitting and waiting and hoping, take more control and make decisions yourself. Decide how you want things to be for yourself where he has to fall in with what you do too. And if he has a commitment to something where he has to obligate that. He cannot decide that he wants to sunbath for six months and ignore that he has other commitments and pushes them onto you for example. And act as if his only thing is to make sure he gets his inheritance. ANYWAY a real man would not need an inheritance, he would be able to earn that money himself and not need someone to die to fund him.
I find that quite pathetic and nasty and it tells me all I need to know about this - loser.
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