A
male
age
51-59,
*erry_8
writes:Dear Readers,I have been in a loveless marriage with my wife for the past 11 years. Please don’t judge me, but there has never been any sort of love between us and therefore I have always cheated on her which she is fully aware of but doesn’t seem to care anymore. We both are very loving parents to our 2 children but we don’t share any sort of intimacy together that I wish we had like many couples. It feels as if we're roommates sometimes. Few months ago, I met the women of my dreams. I can’t get over this special lady and I have fallen for her, something I wasn’t prepared for. It is not just the desire I have but every moment I spend with her I feel like I’m getting closer to her. She has told me she would leave me several times and get over this issue but I know she loves me more than that. I'm sick and tired of living a double life. What would you all have done?
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 dear sir, i have to say that when one enters a marriage, its not a joke. if u knew there was no love in the beginning what compelled u to marry her? both of u have scarred eachother for life and now u have children who will pay the price. and ur example to them will affect their abilities to make sound decisions, and their relationships will suffer somehow, ver so subtle or not. my best advice is to leave, to show ur children happiness is important. but, u can still be there for them. dads do it everyday and u wont be the first nor the last. theres no excuse to cheating. if u could not handle it u should of just left her than fooled around. and this is akeleton in ur closet that will haunt u forever. a real man would be honorable and do the right thing. or woman. where were ur balls when u were cheating? u cant call urself a real man. do u have any sons? i hope their not old enough to understand fully what is happening. and any daughters? do u want some guy to treat them the way u treated their mother? think sir. u have kids. u messed up some, yes. now fix the rest of it. ur doing damage control now instead of prevention control. good luck.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Let me ask you this question. All though not intimate as husband and wife. How do you get along as roommates. The reason I ask that is if your friendship as roommates is going OK, then congradulations, you're doing better than 1/3 of marriages, and for 11 years, that's better than over 1/2 marriages. For someone who wasn't in love when they got married, What's your secret, you're marriage has outlasted half the marriages who claim they do love eachother when they tie the knot.
Next, how long will it be where this double life can be concealed from your children? When they find out, what behaviors will they be learning to carry with them to relationships?
You ask, what would we have done. Well marriage, all though lacking is still marriage. I would of never cheated. The reasons I wouldn't have is that's just not who I am. It's against my character and violates my personal integrtity, so it's not an option for me.
I have children too. I'm a single parent. But the way I live my life is simple. I present myself at home and in public as if my kids are my audience and judging my actions.
If you were to at all attempt to develop a real marriage with who you're with now, cheating is the last thing you want to do. You can't focus on the broken if your seeking somewhere else that doesn't need repairs. You can't work on one car while driving another one.
Now get this. There has been no love because you decided to live without love in the marriage.
Let me ask you something. How much do you love your children? What would you do for them? What have they had to do to earn your love?
True love in a marriage is the same kind of love that you have for your children. It's not a feeling or the honeymoon wow's it's a choice. It's choosing to love someone without any expectation in return.
It's loving because of the faults. It's a choice to really love them during the good and the bad, when their healthy and sick, when finances are up and down, and loving them no matter what the obstical is to overcome.
The reason there has been no love is because you and your wife chose it.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 hey there, sorry about your situation. if you are not happy with your life at the moment, then you need to leave your wife and give you both the chance to have the happiness you deserve. i know you may be concerned about your kids at right now, but in the long run, it could harm them more to stay in a loveless marriage, someday you and your wife are going to put these feelings out in the open and your children may be witness to this. you can both separate in a civil manner and still have the mutual love for you children that you both have now. i think you both need to sit down and talk about this amicably and sort out a situation that you are both happy with. she obvioulsy feels the same and she also deserves to meet the man of her dreams. good luck
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A
male
reader, jsl201 +, writes (20 February 2008):
My parents were also trapped in a loveless marriage,they were never happy and they both stayed togther for the childrens sake because of this my mom and dad both suffered and neither one found any happiness,you need to talk to your wife that you can be friends and get a divorce so that both you guys can find happiness and share the responcibility of raising your children in a happy enviroment..you see in looking back now as adults we the children were never happy either and we suffered as well because we had no real family,how we wished they had gotten divorced and found their happiness
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 If you are not happy with the life you are leading and you feel that you are no more compatible with each other , you should divorce and let her find her own happiness.
Discuss it with her for an amicable solution regarding the children's welfare or child and wife maintenance and who gets what.
Then you are free to do as you please.
But do count the human cost and all those intangible cost when you give up this family for the woman you love.
Some where down the road if you find she left you , you will be homeless.There is no more home to go back to.
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A
female
reader, mackadocous +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Well this question is really not that hard if you think about it. First of all a marriage is supposed to be forever (til death do us part) so that should answer your question on should you leave home. Secondly as for whats best for the kids i would have to say that it would tear them apart if you leave. Because even if your kids sense that your marriage isn't perfect, they think it's good enough for 11 years so to them it will never end. As for this other woman, i know this isn't a perfect world but we take marriage for granted just because it only takes some cash and paper to get out of it but for real marriage is serious, and adultery is a serious offense so because you committed that crime you have to live with the punishment of knowing that you could be happy with someone else, but you can't have that happiness with someone else because you made a life long partnership with your wife. Had you not committed that adultery you would have never have known that happiness with the other woman. It's kind of like losing your virginity before marriage because sex comes into what you factor in when you look for a mate and that shouldn't be. You would never know what bad sex is if you never had sex before.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I think that children pick up on the unhappiness of their parents and that can cause them to suffer. You and your wife don't appear to have a marriage at all and your children probably know it. They see their friend's parents kiss and hug and know there is something wrong at home. Talk to your wife and see if she would really rather just call it quits. You can work out the visitation that's best for the kids and yourselves. Happy parents make for happy kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): If your wife doesn't love you and doesn't seem to care she may be alright about you leaving so long as she can feel financially secure. I would not probably mention the other woman until things have settled down and you have a routine for having your children over to your new home for several months. Have a talk with her, maybe something like you think your relationship is not healthy or fulfilling for either of you except that you value her as a friend very much.All you can do is dip your toe in the water and see how she reacts then take it from there.You know the old saying about only living once, you like any other person deserve to be loved and that chance should not be squandered forever. The most delicate aspect of this is making sure that other people's feelings are not trampled on so that your ability to see your children is compromised. You jave the whole scenario following that of your new partner meeting and getting on with your children. If there is one bit of advice to remember it is not to rush at this and if at all possible do some reading up on separating, the effects on children and the ex spouse. Read up on "parental alienation" so you can what sort of this an ex wife can do to your relationship with your children if she wants revenge through them. Scary stuff but best to be aware. My partner's ex wanted no physical contact for years but was still absolutely devastated when he decided to finally leave. I think she really really loved him, just got nothing from sex.
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