A
male
age
41-50,
*ames1999
writes:Hi-i need advice, please help!I have been with the same girl for 10 years, married for 2. It was a mistake, we are friends nothing more. 18 months ago I tried to leave, she was devistated. We had 'goodbye' sex and she fell pregnant. I agreed to stay. The 9 months waiting for the baby were hell, i felt so trapped. I met another woman and she is everything I could ever want in a woman. We fell in love...I told her I would leave my wife for her.She was alsO in a relationship-she left him. Although she wants to be with me, she left her partner because she knew it was wrong to be with him when she didnt love him, she loves me. She is amazing, has never pressured me to leave my wife, although she says this is what she wants. I began to realise that I couldnt leave my baby..my wife says that if I leave she will take th ebaby and live near her family-on the other side of the country. I cant bear the thought of being a weekend dad. I have stopped having sex with my lover because the guilt became too much although I still want her. We communicate every day via text, emails and on-line chats. I can tell her anything and cant stand the thought of her not being there. She says I should stop communicating with her and work on my marriage if I am really going to stay, or be honest with my wife and find a way to bring our son up as friends. I cant do either....its too hard. But now my lover says she has to move on....she has started dating again and although she hasnt met anyone special yet, its only a matter of time. She says she will always be there for me, but I know I will lose her and be left alone with my wife.... Please help.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Sorry I missed the post before the last 2. I seem to be getting carried away!
You do seem to have insight into your situation and I am truely sorry that you experinced violence in your marriage. No one should have to experience that.
I am just a bot confused because of your mixed messages here. You said
"Oh, and I could never be with James in the 'traditional' way. I love him,I really do-but I need a man that loves me enough to move heaven and earth to be with me. That isn't James,and it hurts to admit it. But the facts reveal the truth of that. So , he loves me and needs me but lacks the honesty and bravery to be with me,and I need a man that will stand by me through lifes inevitable ups and downs. James is,I'm afraid, one of lifes takers"
Yet you go on to say
"And will always be with him,no matter what."
You achknowledge that James is not the man who will move heaven and earth to be with you and is in fact one of life's takers, yet you intend to stay with him reguardless?
I understand that you cannot predict how life will go and what will be around the next bend. Yet if you know James will never be the man who is good enough for you, in that " will move heaven and earth" kind of way, why have you decided that you will "always" be with him? I know you love him, but James is not capable to love you completly in the way you believe you deserve and the way that I believe you deserve, and every other good person. I'm sorry I cannot quiet accept it. That you know you deserve more, yet are content to accept less. I do understand real love can be blind and forgiving of faults, but at the end of the day real love comes from yourself. You have to love yourself and do the very best for yourself. No, you don't need a man to complete you, but if you do chose to have a man in your life, surely you should save that space for someone truely deserveing of your love? Someone who will move heaven and earth to be with you, and cherish you?
That's just my 2 cents. I wish you all love and happiness and am sorry for this less than ideal situation.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (26 April 2011):
Hey, I apprecaite what you are saying, to each their own. I have not right nor intention to tell you what is "right" for you. But you both came onto this website asking for advice about a less than ideal situation. If you were both happy with the set up, why would you ask for advice? I responded to this question from MY perspective. This is all I can do. You can choose whether this advice is helpful or not what you need at all. At the end of the day this is your life, if you are both happy and harming none, then fair play to you. But why then have you asked for advice about what to do? My only concern is the child. Being brought up in an environment where there are massive elephants in the room, and all kinds of regrets and resentments flying around, a secret second mother who daddy sees when mummys not there. Thats gotta be confusing for the kid. But once again, I am just giving my perspective from where I am sitting, I am not suggesting I know what I am talking about. Only you 2 know the full extent of the situation, I just have the picture as you have presented it here. If you are happy, I am happy for you and wish you both luck.
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A
male
reader, James1999 +, writes (26 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, James gf again! All this is assuming that the only way to be happy is as one half of a couple. I'm a pretty independant woman and dont NEED a man to 'complete' me.Additionally, its pretty hard to find everything you need in one man. I have James for the emotional connection and I love him for it. But I dont have other relationships for sex only..I date and I have close relationships with other men. Rarely, that involves sex. If it feels right. But I dont feel 'unfulfilled' being with James. Far from it. I spent 10 years in a marriage and have never felt so unfulfilled in my life!-athough there was violence in that relationship so it was complicated-but regardless of this, I dont think i'm cut out for exclusivity...and I dont think I'm alone in this whether people admit to it or not.Like I say, look at the affairs, the divorce rate, the painful separations.....and like the old song says 'who needs somebody when you have everybody?'
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (25 April 2011):
"She relies on him heavily for money and babysitting." I don't mean to be rude but, he is the father, so it is not babysitting, but his job as a parent. And if he is the main breadwinner, her being the main parent when he is at work, I'm sorry this may be controversial, but he should support her and the child financially as well. Just my opinion.The point is, you are both living a lie. You may feel it is a compromise you have to make. But it is a big sacrifice to make to live a half life. "I am here to fill in the void in James's life" are you? Is that all you want to be to someone, someone to fill the void? Personally, I think you sound lovely, but reguardless of that, you, as a human being deserve to experience true love. You may share love in word and in secret, but you can never really actualise this love if circumstances do not change. I'm not trying to be negative, but help you see your situation from different angles. I know it is always different to someone who is on the outside looking in and it must be much more difficult for you guys who are actually living the situation. I know you both want to do the right thing, but it is hard for James to risk being there every day with his child, which is a very commendable thing as well. The fact that he is torn for that reason shows what a good parent and person he is. But that doesn't change the fact that this love triangle is unhealthy. It will always be unhealthy unless something changes. Your options are:-Continue as you are. I've explored some possible consiquences above and previously.Girlfriend and James go separate ways, sever emotional ties and James works on relationship with wife, and girlfriend moves on. James has expressed he believes he cannot love his wife again and will never be happy with this arrangement. As for girlfriend, you seem to feel deeply connected to James, but in time this scenario may work out better for you, as time can change feelings.Or James separates from wife, fights for custody of child and moves in with girlfriend. This is the most scray and difficult choice because it will involve the most change and risk. The risk is that James may lose full time custody of his child. But on the other hand, if it works out, he may gain custody as he has already mentioned he does the lions share of the childcare. This option is a big gamble for James, but if it pays off it will "potentially" lead to the most happiness for you both and in time stability for the child.So there are your options. If you(girlfriend) are prepared to wait for James to make the changes necessary, he may be able to actualise this dream. But you both have to ask yourselves, if he will never be able to justify taking this risk, chosing to stay together for the kid, is this emtional affair fair to all involved? Can you sustain this while remaining sane and leading full lives? Will this emotional relationship be enough, with one or a few sexual ones on the side for the girlfriend? Basically will the pain and losses outweight the gains? Or is it better to cut your losses and move on? If you are in love it may take time for you to realise the losses were great, but ultimatly it is down to you to decide. I hope I've covered everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Hi-James gf again! Well, to be honest life is not mapped out for anyone. I don't see any point in worrying about what will happen when I get into a relationship,if Jamess wife files for divorce or any of the other possible situations that life may throw at us in the future. All I can do is react to the here and now and do what's best for those people in my life I truly love-in this case, james and his son. Yes, things can go badly wrong-but can't they go wrong if we always do the 'right' thing anyway? Life would be wonderful if we could all meet The 1, marry and be happy for ever. Its probably what we all want really. Unfortunately, life is often not that neat. So we all muddle through as best we can and try very hard to be loving and giving and not selfish and cruel. Oh, and I could never be with James in the 'traditional' way. I love him,I really do-but I need a man that loves me enough to move heaven and earth to be with me. That isn't James,and it hurts to admit it. But the facts reveal the truth of that. So , he loves me and needs me but lacks the honesty and bravery to be with me,and I need a man that will stand by me through lifes inevitable ups and downs. James is,I'm afraid, one of lifes takers-but I can see that clearly and I forgive him for it. Real Love is unconditional and I love him in that way-faults and all. And will always be with him,no matter what.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (25 April 2011):
Ok, I understand all of what you have said. It is wonderful that you both have such a special bond and that James's son is being loved and cared for by both of his parents. I also know that these kind of relationships do go on and can continue for years without the other party knowing or concerned that their spouse is not fully "involved" in the relationship. I understand that you have accepted that you cannot be together fully, ie sexually and officially.although you both agree you have a very close connection, like soulmates.
However. How long can this continue? How can you(the gf) ever fully commit yourself to a "real" relationship down the line, when you have given your heart to James? You will be forever tied to this man who cannot or refuses to do what is necassary to fully commit to you, ie leave his wife and file for custody of his son. If the storyline continues as you describe, how will this affect the child. Think about when he realises he has 2 mums. What if he begins to talk about his "other mum" to his biological mum. I know you say she sees James as a meal ticket and is oblivious to what he does, but she is still his wife. They have not agreed on an open relationship. You will always have to be careful with how you behave around each other in public and around the son. Sometime down the line, she could use the emotional affair as amunition in court, if she decides she wants a divorce.
Or on the other hand, what if you find another partner and fall madly in love. How will it affect both you and James? James will feel betrayed and angry, may come between you and new partner. Or you may always hold back from having a full relationship with anyone else, ruining your chances of true happiness. True happiness of an honest, full, commited relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Hi- I'm James's gf-hes shown me all the advice everyone has been kind enough to give him and much of it has been very helpful and kindly meant and we thank you for it. Just like to say tho, James in no way hates his child-he adores the baby. As do I,he's a beautiful baby and its a pleasure to spend time with him. Jamess wife accepts me as a friend of her husband-to be honest, she's pretty oblivious to anything he does,wrapped up as she is in her own life. You see,James is the classic 'meal ticket' for her. She really has very little time for him,and this makes him terribly lonely. She is also,I'm afraid, a very vindictive woman who would indeed use the baby as a weapon if James ever left her. She relies on him heavily for money and babysitting. Don't imagine that I believe this because James tells me,I have seen it with my own eyes.Personally, I think James should leave, but he is set against this. So all I can do for him is spend time with him and become a close family friend so I can always be close to him and his boy.Of course, I can no longer offer him commitment-that would be a crazy waste of my life! But I have many dates -one or two of them are already becoming dear to me and I am hopeful I will soon be in a fulfilling relationship. But every man I date, I tell them about James and that having him in my life is non negotiable. James and I will always have a special closeness and I consider us to be,in some ways, a couple. 'Soulmates' if you will. Obviously, there is still a great deal of physical attraction between us-we were sexually involved after all-but apart from stolen kisses and hugs,we hope to avoid sex again...this is harder for James than for me,as he is no longer sexually intimate with his wife. So, there you have it. I am here to fill in the void in James's life that living with a woman he doesn't love-and now realises probably never did-has left him with. I lkove James deeply and always will and enjoy our 'family' days out, just the 3 of us, when his wife isn't around. In fact, his son is in a way growing up with 2 moms-his birth mom and the woman his father trully loves. So he gets to see what a proper relationship should be all about. Anyway,James and I continue to be happy together in this way-no question of me moving on Aunts,I'm with him for life!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): I stay in the marriage because I need to live in a house with my son 24/7 and this can't happen if I leave my wife.Though actually, I do at least half the childcare, maybe. More. She looks after my son when I work but goes to bed when I return,leaving me alone with my boy. She also goes out with friends all weekend,again leaving me to take care of my son. British courts award custody to the parent that does the lions share of the childcare so there is a good chance that if I decide to separate from my wife SHE will have to move out and leave me with my boy. This, I think, could work quite well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): James, can marriage be forever? Sometimes Most certainly yes but it is not for the faint hearted. I think you had a very different concept of love and marriage. You run away from your problems, your immaturity has been apparent in your responses. You see Marriage / or any committed relationship demands hard work and sacrifices and compromise. you are heading for a rude awakening if you think otherwise. Couples need to reinvest in their relationships constantly or else it will suffer the normal stuck in the rut situation, the staleness sets in and well then deceit creeps in, just as you have discovered James.People who expect a 10 year relationship to remain the same, are setting themselves up for failure. The only thing we are guaranteed of is CHANGE and if relationships don't change with the times, well then that relationship will certainly die.James, all the excellent advice the Aunts have dispensed have fallen on deaf ears. You think of yourself as a victim and you have a great pity party going o in your life. Well this is a choice you have made so plse make the best of it. Your gf has moved on and well, what more is there to say. Make peace with your circumstances and try to live your life without the bitterness and hatred towards your wife and kid. I think you can only save yourself if you seek the service of a professional counsellor to help you through the choices you have made.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (25 April 2011):
Well if that's what you believe, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! I don't mean to be harsh, but you have made it CLEAR how little love or respect even, you have for your wife. I don't understand why you choose to stay. If it is so terribly dull as you say and if you deserve much more than such a bland relationship, why stay? You need to stop pretending everything is ok to your wife, and go your separate ways. Can't you see the bitterness will only continue to grow with the attitude you have towards her? You seem to think marriages end anyway so I presume you will leave at some point. Why wait until you both absolutly detest each other and create painful memories for your child, of his parents at each other's throats?
You have no right to be feel hard done by, by your wife, as though she trapped you. YOU allowed yourself to BE trapped by staying with her when she got pregnant. IF she deceived you and chose to get pregnant to trap you, you did not do the right thing by staying. The right thing would be to separate from the start(as you already said it was over by then anyway and you didnt love her), and to bring up your child as mature adults, being civil and living separate lives. If your child was brought up like that from the start, all the pain and confusion from experiencing parents separating could have been avoided.
But, that hasn't happened. All you can do is move forward now. Feeling all of this resentment is not going to help anyone, including you. Think about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Don't we all fall out of love? Otherwise we would all be with our first loves instead of going through lots of different relationships. And do we all stay the same person all our lives, or do we change over the years? We all change and grow as people and sometimes people that were right for us once are no longer right years later. There's no point in trying to analyse why I don't love my wife or when it happened. Fact is, it has happened. And there's no getting thar love back again.Lovegirl,you strike me as someone who wants to believe in the concept of marriage being forever and once you feel as though you are in love and get married that situation won't change....look around you. Divorce rate increasing, affairs are commonplace.....marriage is not for ever and love can die. No bodys fault, just a fact. And it can happen to any couple at any time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): So without any drama, you just fell out of love with your wife.
What made you fall in love with her initially? Bec at one stage you were .....
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): A wife doesn't have to be abusive towards her husband for him to fall out of love with her. She just has to fail to be interesting company, or inspire love and devotion by simply being the wrong person for him. She would,and does, make a good friend for me . But I would say I have dozens of other friends that I find more interesting and entertaining to be with than her. To have to share my life with a woman I ,at best, have a little fondness for on a good day-its just not enough. Every time she opens her mouth I marvel at her lack of wit and intellect. I don't enjoy talking to her or spending time with her. And sex???? No way! She is totally unattractive to me-i'd rather remain celibate for the rest of my life than ever sleep with that woman ever again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Let me try to understand WHY you hate your wife so much:
What exactly does she do?
Does she ill treat you?
Abuse you physically, in ant way?
Humiliate u in front of people?
Leave her "trapping" you aside: is she a good woman? But you just fell out of love with her?
If you choose to stay with her do u resume sexual relations with your wife?
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Lovegirl, I made the decision to leave my wife a long time ago and stayed for my child in the end. No way am I looking at my gf through 'rose tinted spectacles.' She didn't know I was a married father when she met me and by the time she found out she had fallen for me. But instead of becoming angry at my behaviour, she stayed. Supported me, spent time with me and continued to love me. Although she stopped the sex immediately. Does she sound anything other than a wonderful,forgiving,loving woman to you? Truth is, she's too good for me I realise that now. I probably deserve the hell of living with my wife-a woman who fails to fulfil me on every level. I think I will leave at some point-certainly if I lose contact with my amazing gf I will have to, her love and support are the only things keeping me sane in this situation. If I left it wouldn't be for her-she deserves far better than me. It would be because I can no longer stand to be in the same room as my wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Oh James you just don't get do you? You are looking at your ex lover with rose tinted glasses.
I have to stay with my wife..." Plse remember you are making the choice to be with your wife: no one is forcing your hand. You are freely choosing your wife bec you are a weak man. You are not a victim in this situation.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
If you are so much in love with this other woman then grow some 8alls and do the right thing. If you can.
Or then stop whining and haul your ass into marital counselling sessions and salvage your marriage. And cut the bull that counselling won't help.
If you have taken anything from all our responses I hope you have taken at leave:
accountabily
Proper Decision making
And lastly Honest and Integrity
In spite of looking at both sides you have chosen to only view your "plight" as earth shattering. Perhaps some maturity and deep soul searching is in order.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): Lovegirl,I'm confused by your opinion that my gf is showing her 'true colours' by refusing to sleep with me,pursuing relationships with single men and reducing our relationship to friendhip only. Does this make her a bad person? And would she be a better woman if she resumed our sexual relationship and stayed faithful to me??? Does it makes sense for a single woman to date a married man and be faithful to him??? Sounds unbalanced to me. I think she has behaved with dignity throughout all this and it's me that has let her down. Plus, don't forget that my marriage was over months before I met my gf.None of the situation I am in is down to her-she is my loving friend and I will love her forever and consider myself very lucky to have her in my life in whatever way I possibly can . I need to face that I'm just not strong enough for her and she deserves a better man. it tears me apart that she will meet someone special soon but she deserves her happiness. I will have to remain with a woman who will always be my second choice. My sons happiness comes before my own and I have to stay with my wife. My gf will,I hope, remain close enough to me to keep me from going completely insane. The times we have together-our days out, our long chats...they are the happiest times in my life, along with the times I spend alone with my son when my wife is not around.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 "..I told her I would leave my wife for her." James, you told her one thing and did another. Now she is doing the same thing....sometimes circumstances change our decisions...and you of all people should realize this. I'm very sorry for your pain but you can't have it both ways. She's tired of waiting and she's ready to move on. She isn't getting any younger and she wants someone who will be there for her. Someone to come home to... To create a home, children and a future with. You cannot be that person. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. She has finally realized that it's no going to work. So she knows she has to make a change to get the results she wants. She wants a future...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): "....So all her promises to stay with me were false. I feel so let down, but still cant let her go. She says she 'loves' me but is not 'in love' anymore,..."
So now your ex gf's true colours come out. Go back to my first response: your gf is not this oh so good woman, having a relationship with an unfortunate married man. Your gf is so very clever.
So what now? You become the 'friend' and you just tag along with the gf???
If you thought your life was unbearable with a faithful wife, watch your life go downhill with an unfaithful gf.
Trapped you say? Right now YOU trapped yourself.
Not a good feeling is it? Knowing that your gf is now doing the dirty with another man while u wait around like a poor lap dog!
Decisions James decisions!!!
Your gfs true character has been revealed.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): "....So all her promises to stay with me were false. I feel so let down, but still cant let her go. She says she 'loves' me but is not 'in love' anymore,..."
So now your ex gf's true colours come out. Go back to my first response: your gf is not this oh so good woman, having a relationship with an unfortunate married man. Your gf is so very clever.
So what now? You become the 'friend' and you just tag along with the gf???
If you thought your life was unbearable with a faithful wife, watch your life go downhill with an unfaithful gf.
Trapped you say? Right now YOU trapped yourself.
Not a good feeling is it? Knowing that your gf is now doing the dirty with another man while u wait around like a poor lap dog!
Decisions James decisions!!!
Your gfs true character has been revealed.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 April 2011):
 decisions are what life is all about James. Your gf just made one.
Don't blame her. She gave you the chance to make a decision twelve months ago.
Next your wife will make a decision, to visit her family. She will of course take the baby for that visit.
Then your wife will make a decision to stay over there.
We all have to make decisions.
We learn from every decision we make.
James we all have to make decisions.
Decisions are what life is all about, James
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 April 2011):
hi James
Five days ago you asked this question. Urgent decisions were clearly required. You could have made those decisions, then but you needed more time to think.
Your girlfriend tried to bring matters to a head 6 months ago, by stopping sex. But you needed more time to think.
You wanted to announce your marriage was over by taking your gf to the work finction. Your gf had reservations about that, but you still thought that best.
Your gf went along to the function and multiple men showed interest. Clearly your gf is a lovely lady.
But you still need time to think before ending your loveless marriage.
Next in this saga your wife will leave you. She will go to see her family, which she can do, but she will then choose to not return.
Custody arrangements will have to be worked out, and it will be sad that your chance to spend lots of quality time with your child is affected.
Your gf will go on to a more satisfying full sexual relationship, with another man. Sadly for you, that will be a great loss for you.
Your girl friend has been an important part of your life. I am sorry that appears to be over.
Your wife was over you a long time ago and now just demands allegience, commitment because she thinks she has the right. Though love seems less obvious.
Where to next James?
Don't spend the next 20 wondering what 'might have been'
Your gf gave you fair amount of leeway to make a decision.
Decisions zzzzzzz?
James, we all make decisions. We can be right or wrong. Agonising does not stop us making bad decision.
We learn from every decision we make
Good Luck
Abella
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A
male
reader, James1999 +, writes (22 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am devistated-after a wonderful party with my girlfriend, she calmly announces that she has a date this weekend! She says I cant expect her to remain alone and 'on a string' for me for ever and that she's looking forward to spending some time dating other men and maybe developing a new relationship...So all her promises to stay with me were false. I feel so let down, but still cant let her go. She says she 'loves' me but is not 'in love' anymore, due to my 'hot and cold' treatment of her. She proposes to be my friend and give me all the love and support that she is able but the sex and romance is over. I dont think I can cope with this...she is adamant that she no longer wants to be with me full time, tells me that I wouldnt make her happy.How can she love me one minute and not the next?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 April 2011):
if your gf is smart she will drop you like a hot potato, in fact i have moved to the view that your gf is wasting her time with you. Since you want to keep both women in limbo. Your wife trapped in a loveless marriage with a man whose judgement makes him unable to see he is cheating both women out of happiness....versus.....a gf who is being cheated out of long term happiness by a man whose judgement makes him unable to see that he cannot have both women in his life at
the same time without it all ending in tears.
I do hope your gf realises that she needs to steer clear of married men and wimps in the future, for the sake of HER long term happiness.
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A
male
reader, James1999 +, writes (21 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much, all these words are helping me think a little clearer. I took my gf to the party;my wife dislikes social events and gets bored easily at such things. So my colleagues are used to seeing me alone at these events.I introduced my gf as a friend and she was her usual self,charming, engaging-my colleagues were as enchanted as I-in fact rather annoyingly, a few of my single collegues gave my gf their numbers hoping to take her out to dinner! My gf never once gave a hint that we had been lovers-she played the loving supportive friend to perfection-after all, that is just what she is! In the end, I told my wife I was taking a friend along so there is no question of a colleague surprising her with the news later. I am so happy right now, having had a glimpse of what life would have been like had I had the good sense not to marry my wife purely because it was the 'logical next step' after so many years together.....she is really not The One for me, but I think I can tolerate life with her if I can have my gf in my life too. And if we dont hae sex again, I'm not 'cheating' in the traditional sense am i? my gf swears she will stay in my life when she finds a new partner, but that sex will never happen again when she is with someone. She is not a natural cheat and recognises the pain it can cause. But she loves me and always will and that alone makes life bearable for me.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 April 2011):
hi James,
You don't need to justify, nor explain. The time for vacillating and hand wringing is over. All you need to resolve is: stay or go.
Get thee to a good lawyer, today.
I have a theory that when people are happy they grow as people and one can see it on their faces. I have literally seen wedding photos of people on the wall of their home, but when i see the photo it is a few years on from that wedding - where the happy couple actually look better, brighter, more alive.
Conversely i have seen photos on the wall of the happy glowing couple on their wedding day - but a few years later one can see the unhappiness on their faces. The glow has gone. Their eyes have that detached given up look. It is sad. All their unhappiness is etched deeply on their faces for all the world to see.
OK, i've never been through a divorce.
But you know the second scenario couple i refer to above - once divorced - i have seen the same two people change after the divorce. Often one or both of the divorced persons embraces their new life without the partner they did not love - and they look ten years younger. The sparkle is in their eyes.
Though if one party was against the divorce they often become so wound up by what they see as the unjustce that become angry at all and everything. Yet who knows, if both had stayed together maybe they both would have become as similarly unhappy and miserable, and more if they had stayed together.
And here's my theory. Time and time again it is the unhappy person who then seems to have more poor health, more troubles, and is less able to bounce back easily from each set back.
Wallowing in negative depressed misery is bad for your health and future happiness.
Take the bull by the horns James immediately and make a decision. Stick to it. Do not waver. Do not jump back and forth over the fence, first this side, then the other side, then back again.
All that vacillating is NOT manly.
Make a decision, stick to it, then make it work.
You know being so depressed and unhappy trapped in this loveless marriage is hurting you so much.
And making you so unhappy.
Don't waste the lawyers time with 'how many variations of the same theme will i discuss over and over again?'
No, James, you go to the lawyer and state firmly (without a wishy washy hesitation in your voice)
1. My loveless marriage is over for me emotionally annd i've tried everything and the marriage is over.
2. I want a divorce asap
3. The most important consideration is that i want access to my son, and want custody arrangements stitched tight including my financial support for my child
4 how much will this cost
Good luck
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reader, James1999 +, writes (20 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionseanseann, i'm sure you will agree that the 'nuissance' you have to put up with is small change compared to the mysery your parents may have faced had they stayed together.Do you love your parents? So why not be happy that they moved on from an unhappy relationship and started afresh?Regarding my girlfriend;she is not there purely for sex;we stopped having sex 6 months ago. I love her regardless of the sex. She left the father of her child a decade ago due to his violence, directed at both her and her child. Dont imagine this is a fabrication;I have seen the court papers, detailing the abuse she sufered.After the separation she remained single for 7 years in order to stablise her child after the abuse. Please dont paint her as a man stealer-this is a tired old cliche married women trot out because they feel that marriages fail due to the influence of wicked home wrecking women. They fail through a variety of reasons all of which involve the two people within the marriage. Dont blame my girlfriend;she has offered to completely withdraw from my life and she means it. Its me that cant let her go.She is the only person I can talk to and is keeping me sane.Oh, and I didnt 'condom up'because my wife was on the pill..or at least I thought she was....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): You know your hatred for your wife for apparently trapping you is so far from the truth: in fact you are lieing to yourself. Your wife did not trap you, your son has trapped you and in essence the real person you hate and resent is your son! So just think about this: if you did not have your son you would be long gone, so in actual fact this 'trapping' is actually your sons existence. So instead of admitting that u hate your sons existence, you conveniently demonstrate this hatred towards your wife and not that innocent boy.
Next time, condomise so that no one 'traps' you further, not even your so good gf.
You are a bitter twisted individual who just cannot accept half the 'blame' for your sons existence. YOU too created him and not only your wife.
What does your wife do that is so bad? Does she ill treat you? Does she run around on you? Does she humiliate you in front of others?
I think it is about time you grew up and took responsibility for your actions. Up until now you have shifted blame and blamed your wife for the mess you have created. Time to cut the bull and do the right thing. That is if you know what that is......
LoveGirl
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (20 April 2011):
If you can't stand it, do something about it! You don't have to stay in a loveless marriage. You can separate and still be a good father to your son. But have have to do it the right, legal way. Get some legal advice. Think before you act. Don't tell your wife until youvhave made secure plans for the future. Someone metioned that it could be illegal for the custodial parent to leave the state, so she may have to stay, meaning you can see your child. I know you have so many conflicting emotions and values going on and thats why you are on here asking for help. But we can't give you the solid, professional advise of a trained counsellor or legal advisor. If you talk to these professionals you don't have to act on their advise but it could give you a clearer idea of what options you have available to you.
Listen to your words-
"I will be trapped with my wife for ever....I dont think I can stand it ...."
If you really mean those words, you will not be happy in this marriage. Neither will your wife, nor your son. You will all be living a lie. You only get ONE life. Make the most of it. Change hurts in the short term, but it is the only way you can achieve real happiness and growth as a human being.
Think if it this way. You are lying in a bed that is soiled. You know it's soiled and it's not pleasant to lie in. You know you won't be happy there, yet getting up is an effort, and you will have to strip the bed and wash, which will be hard, after lying in the bed for so long. But after you've done what needs to be done, think of how much better you will feel.
Good luck.
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reader, James1999 +, writes (19 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.My girlfriend is trully an amazing woman , she wants so badly for me to be happy and will do whatever it takes...walk away from me, be with me....regardless of what she herself wants. My wife is so different-she knew I wanted to leave but selfishly trapped me in the marriage because thats what SHE wanted. Which woman will make me happy in the future? I know. My girlfriend. My wife cares for no one but herself..she brought our child into what she knew was a loveless marriage...was she thinking of what was good for the child then? No. Was she thinking of me? No. Just of herself. These thoughts are with me constantly and I think I am begining to hate her for her selfishness. My girlfriend willl leave soon, I know it. I have messed her about with my indecision and I dont deserve her. I will be trapped with my wife for ever....I dont think I can stand it ....
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reader, loveonce  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 gentleman,love is good,rather best thing on this earth.do u know why did i say so?? coz the girl loving you is showing u the right most path,which you should follow...you are now a father...your gf suggested you to stay with your family because she knows your baby would be needing it... she started moving on,so that you may loose connection with her..look if you will insist it may possible for her to get along with what you want....but still the weaker thread of morality let her advised you to move on with your family..be friends if you can..try not to give your son(as well to her mother)a worthless,stray life...and choose to face facts..you had sex with your wife,got a baby,want to be a strong and prudent father,capable enough to face your son...now story ends...your wife was pregnant and you were planning...xtra marital things..without thinking of baby...so try to divert yourself...it would be good for u,baby,and that girl,known as your wife.as far as emotional needs are concerned you may talk enough to her...as,i know she will fix your bond with your wife.,she is nice enough!
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reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (18 April 2011):
A lot of good advice on this thread. Abella hit the nail on the head. This marriage is over whether you leave now or not, You will eventually.
Do things the right way, so there will be less regrets later. Some areas have laws aginst the custodial parent leaving the state...have you checked into that?
This isn't helping anyone.... You need to be a man and make decisions in the right way. Good luck.
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (18 April 2011):
I agree totally with Abella.
Stop what you are doing and THINK. You know exactly what you are doing and where this is going. You WANT your wife to discover your cheating by taking your girlfriend to this partyy, and leave you, which takes the burdon and responsibility from you. BUT, this is an awful way to end things. This will bring public shame and humiliation to all 3 of you and YOU will come out looking like an arse. Your workmates will think less of you, which could affect your career.
Also, this will give your wife amunition against you in the custody battle that will ensue. Have you considered this? I think you are acting recklessly. You can't afford to do this, not if you want to keep an amicable relationship with your kid's mum and therefore gain enough acess to keep a strong relationship with your child, which your child deserves.
You may be thinking this may be a quick and easy way to make what you want to happen, happen, but you need to consider the consiquences. As Abella said, you may well lose your girlfriend also, as she loses respect for you through the recklessness of your actions.
If you have no desire to remain with your wife(it sounds like you don't even want to try to reconnect), you need to do the right thing and tell her to her face, not hope she finds out through gossip. I understand how you felt trapped, and if that's the case that she did conveniently forget her pill, you should not feel responsible to stay in a marriage that isn't working. If she chose to make a baby with man she knew was no longer in love with her, that is her mistake. You can still be a dad to that child, as you had the "goodbye sex" as well, but you don't have to stay with her. Don't fall for her plan. Ultimatly, in time, you will both do better to separate from this unhealthy relationship. She will move on and realise she doesn't need to be dependant on you for her happiness, and you will be free to find the relationship you want. But you have to do it the right way, however hard it is.
It might help to talk the plan over with your girlfriend, if you are that close(but don't do this unless you are CERTAIN you will carry out the plan). Think about the best time and place to tell your wife. Think about what you want to say, how to say it. Be kind and understanding. Don't tell her about the girlfriend nessasarily, she may use this against you in court, although some may argue she has a right to do so and a right to know. Then when you have done this, find a time when you can sit down and talk about your baby and the best things you can do for the sake of your baby, ie custody. IF you cannot do this alone, if it only results in arguments, begging for you to change your mind etc, INSIST you have these conversations with a counsellor or a lawyer.
I know it's hard for you to think logically right now, and the resentment has built up so much you just don't care any more, you want out. But you have to think of your little baby boy. You cannot press that self destruct button because it's not just your life you will destroy. If your son grows up without a dad, that will damage him, no matter how well he is brought up by his mum and her family. He will always know he had a Daddy he didn't see much. It sounds like you love your child, don't let that happen.
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reader, Drew21  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 I think the important thing to remember is that just because you are a "weekend Dad" does not mean you can't still be an EFFECTIVE parental figure in your child's life.It's really obvious that you and your wife do not have a healthy relationship. The environment that fosters would probably affect your child negatively.I would talk to a lawyer and discuss custody rights.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): The more I read of your side of the story the more I realise how selfish and whining you are. Its all about me me me, my my my!!!
Grow up dammit. You created this mess and now u need to sort this out in the least painful way for all, esp your child.
Isn't it amazing how married men always say the same thing about their mistresses/lovers: that they are so good, so nice, never nag, can talk to them about anything/everything yet the married man runs home to give his wife his dirty socks and underpants!
Mistresses/lovers are there to provide the earth shattering sex and the forbidden. Realise this and accept this. Very rarely (you can verify what I am saying if you go into archives on DC) do married men marry their lovers/ start committed relationship with her. This is the harsh reality.
I think u have no respect for your wife. If your lover was so good why would she trample at your workplace function? That workplace function should have been your wifes invitation, not your lovers to parade around, stamping her authority as a married man's plaything.
If anything your blatant disrespect for your wifes feelings shows your true character, bec you are willing to parade your affair at the workplace. You may have no shame carrying on with your lover in private but plse have more professional courtesy at the workplace . Please learn this going forward in life, your workplace should be free from your personal affairs.
As for your baby: this baby did not just pop up out of no where: stop blaming your wife for not taking her pill. What stopped you from using condoms??? And anyways you were not repulsed by your wife, in fact you certainly raised to the occasion. This means that you are equally to 'blame' for this baby's existence.
Maybe u are right. Maybe your kid and wife will be better off without you. Surely they can do better? Sometimes not having any father is better than a father who refuses to be a good parent. Your wife just doesn't know it yet but she deserves better. Someone to truly love her, to value her, a compassionate man, an honorable man!
So James what happens when your relationship with your lover gets old, stale, boring? Will you run around again looking for the unattainable?
You do not seem like a solid man, a man of personal convictions: you want to duck without even trying to work out your marriage. You seem full of yourself and you seem as though you have all the answers but please ponder the ffg:
Fool u are if you think your lover is not pressurising you to leave your wife and kid: you already admitted that she prefers this, but no pressure right. Then she has started looking around for another man to replace you. Mister, almost all mistresses try this. This is the scarying tactic they use to pressurise the married man to leave his wife. Then let's no forget that she says she will take care of your kid like her own, after all no wicked step mom scenario created now. Let's not forget that soon she will be hanging off your arm being paraded in front of friends and colleagues, right??
This woman has bigger kids, so what happens now: she left another man to be with you (not her kids fathers?) Now that u are dragging your feet with your wife she has started looking for a replacement lover? Can you see an ugly picture emerging??
Whatever you do decide, don't parade your lover at the work function: this is childish, cruel to your wife and you will become the talk of the season, if not already.
Bottom line: if you just cannot be a faithful hb, then yes do not even attempt to work things out. But do not expect to have a happy ever after with your lover, your few sentences about her has alarm bells ringing loudly. Maybe one day your wife can forgive you for destroying her world but right now, you have a lot to account for.
Sorry if you think I am harsh, but you really have your head in the clouds regarding your lover, the sooner you get up and smell the brown stuff around you, the quicker you can make proper decisions with the least pain.
James, hun, your lover is pressuring you to leave your wife and kid, you just havnt' realised it yet. Leave because there is no other solution, not because the lover threatens you with her replacement.
I trust I opened your eyes a wee bit.
LoveGirl
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reader, Abella +, writes (18 April 2011):
i do not feel comfortable with you using your girlfriend to display (behind your wife's back) that your marriage is over.
This will cause hostility towards your girlfriend if your workmates know and are friends with your wife.
Within 30 minutes of arriving at the function it is likely that someone will tell your wife about the girlfriend.
People successfully divorce every day
Children do not benefit if they have to suffer living with two parents who do not love each other.
Tell your wife the truth
Show a lot more courage to regularise your relationship with your girlfriend if you really want her.
You are 2inches from losing your girlfriend - she will not tolerate your vacillating wishy-washy chopping and changeing your mind so often, much longer.
You and your wife have already separated emotionally - you still share the same space, but you are not in love with your wife.
This is not how a good marriage should be.
Go see a lawyer urgently about custody and child maintence arrangements.
Be honest with your wife now, respectfully, and stop the suffering yu are both enduring.
And you may even be right - perhaps your wife did deliberately get pregnant
But love has flown out the door, of this marriage, long long, long ago
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reader, James1999 +, writes (18 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd hate to think that my wife is the one I should be with just because we made a baby together! Special though it is, shouldnt there be more to a relationship that that??? And the baby created during 'goodbye sex' was I feel less an act of God and more my wife 'forgetting' to take her pill for the week leading up to it! I feel very trapped by her.....
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reader, James1999 +, writes (18 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your words. I am currently fighting the urge to tell my wife about my girlfriend...if it was out in the open the separation would happen i'm sure...I know that this is cowardly but I want to get away from my wife.....this week I have invited my girlfriend to a works function..she was reluctant to see me in front of my colleagues , felt we would be tempting fate..My workmates are all friends with my wife, I suppose I am hoping deep down that they will realise that I am in a relationship with this woman. Office gossip being what it is,and she will find out. I feel that although I feel paralysed at the thought of actually moving on from the marriage..because its what I really want deep down will I subconciously sabotarge the marriage anyway? I feel like I am on a mission to self destruct...and my girlfriend is becoming exasperated with me and my 'hot and cold' treatment of her...so confused....
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (18 April 2011):
I don't think we need to assume the wife is using the child as a bargaining tool, at all. It could just be that without the OP she would have no one to help her with the child and to help her emotionally, so it would make sense for her to go and live near her family. No one can blame her for that. Dealing with a divorce is hard, with a baby even more so, and with your family on the other side of the country? I don't think she's said that as a bribe, she is just protecting herself and being honest about what she would do. It sounds like you have been discussing the possibility of breaking up.
OP, you have already betrayed the marriage, and your heart is still with this other woman. You know this is not fair, or moraly right. But you cannot help now how you feel. You have to be honest with yourself, and do the right thing for the sake of yor baby. Now I don't mean stay with your wife, if your heart is not in it, and the marriage is irreparable, then it could do more damage for the child. Being in a family with parents who have an unhealthy relationship could teach the child unhealthy ways of relating to others. Whereas , if you split amicably and keep in touch with the child and remain civil with your ex wife then this could be a better option.
But you have to decide what is the best decision for everyone invovled.
"She says I should stop communicating with her and work on my marriage if I am really going to stay, or be honest with my wife and find a way to bring our son up as friends. I cant do either....its too hard."
Your lover gives you good advise here. But you are torn and unable to make a decision. As time goes on, you lose the options as your lover has begun to move on already. So that decision is being made for you. If you let more time pass, you will lose the chance of a relationship with your lover, and you will be "left alone with your wife" as you say. But don't you see that by resisting making that decision, you have by process of elimination, chosen to be with your wife? But you won't have actually made that decision so you won't ever be fully satisfied with being with your wife. This is not fair to her or you.
Either make a dedicated choice to work on your marriage, or end it and move on the best way possible for your child. If that means moving to be nearer your ex and her family, then so be it. But don't stay in a marriage where you will build up nasty, bitter resentment that will affect your child.
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reader, Ambassadeur Koko  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 You and the mother of your baby are destined for each other, I can say. It was not just a coincidence when she became pregnant during a good bye sex but God's plan to keep the relationship. Don't let the blindness of lover over shadow you. Why don't you a small space in your heart for the mother of your baby?
A kid can mentally and healthily grow up strong if he or she grows with the natural love of the parents. Don't put your kid life in the confusion.
Lucky are you who have a kid or a woman who can give birth than other guys who seek to get one who can give birth.
You need your wife and nobody else.
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reader, James1999 +, writes (18 April 2011):
James1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice.
My girlfriend has told me that she will be a loving step mother to my child-she has a teenaged daughter and works with children, she is loving woman who I have no doubt would bring my son nothing but joy.
Counselling woud be pointless- after 10 years I already know that we have nothing in common. We are friends..not lovers, not soul mates and I increasingly realise that I need my partner to be those things to me.
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reader, Battista +, writes (18 April 2011):
OP your no. 1 priority has to be your baby. You know that already. You have to weigh up what is best for the baby.
My opinion, and of course that is all it is, is that, as long as you can maintain access- which ought not to be a problem but you will need to consult a lawyer- you should leave your wife if you no longer want to be with her. If the only reason you are staying is because she is blackmailing you with the baby then things will only get worse, and the child will grow in this sort of atmosphere. It will not be a happy family home. I sometimes think that in cases like this it is better for the child to grow up with two loving parents who aren't together anymore, and two parents who are unhappy and possibly at war, but living under the same roof.
Have you talked to your wife about marriage counselling or anything along those lines? This would also be a great idea, as Abella mentions, before you decide to really finish things. At least you can say that you have tried everything if it doesn't work.
My advice would be 1)try some counselling and 2) get some advice from a lawyer as to how you could arrange access.
To be honest, this woman who you are in love with doesn't come into the equation for me, not at this stage. You have to work out how things would work with your baby first of all. Then if everything is stabilised in that dept you can think about starting another relationship.
Good luck.
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reader, Abella +, writes (18 April 2011):
You may well lose both your wife and your lover from your life. Your wife surely knows that the marriage is in trouble.
How does your girl friend feel about helping to bring up a child who is not her own? If she is hesitant, then there is your answer - then your girl friend is unsuitable for you as your child means so much to you (as your baby should)
Of course you love your son. And your wife has already signalled that she will try to deny you easy access to your son if you do leave. With a mind set like that, using a baby as a bargaining tool, your wife may well do that anyway, at some time in the future.
Time to sort yourself out in double quick time
Get some marriage counselling. Work out what, (besides the baby) that you do have in common. Work out what you do not have in common and how you can address that short fall.
And since your marriage sounds in very big trouble, keep your girl friend informed as well.
You are on a tightrope in the middle of a raging sea. You need to be brutally honest with yourself and not whimp own about resolving this.
Because the same problem will keep returning. You may meet another woman, even if you lose this current girlfriend.
A loveless marriage does no one any good.
And your child will not enjoy growing up in a situation where the parents hardly communicate.
Stop finding excuses for why you can't resolve this and work out some solutions that will work for all of you.
But never never use a baby as a bargaining tool. A baby needs contact with both parents. Even if you do divorce stitch up the custody arrangements as tight as a drum to ensure you do enjoy regular access.
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