A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am still in love with my ex and he loves me, but I am in a new relationship. I dated my ex., who I will call S. for 4 years. He was my college buddy/studio partner/best friend/boyfriend. We essentially spent just about every day of the 4 years together at all times. We had many of the same classes and shared a studio. The only times we didn't see one another was when either of us was working. After graduation I decided to further my education at an institution out of state, 3000 miles out of state to be exact. I had wanted him to come with me but didn't want to force him into it because I didn't want him to give up what he had going (aka. his band). It was however understood that if nothing was to happen with the band that he would join me out of state. So we kept in contact over the first year. I was alone in a big city and knew no one. For the first month or two I would come home to my apartment and cry for hours. It was rediculous and incredibly draining. About a year later I started hanging out with this guy that I knew liked me. I was really not in the mood for a relationship and hanging out with someone that liked me both frightened and discussed me. This wasn't fair for my guy friend because if I had had more time I probably would be more accepting of his advances. So a year and a half passes and I decided that S. was never going to move out. Everytime I asked he would say the band was doing no better, but had no plans to join me. So I started dating the new guy that had been pursuing me for a while. It was supposed to be a light thing,but of course we are both incredibly private antisocial people and now we have been in a relationship for over 2 years now. With all this being said, whenever I go home and see S. I break down crying. There is still no one else in this world that I feel closer too. I am still in love with him and I know that he still cares for me too. I really care for my current boyfriend as well, but Im not sure that it will ever amount to what I had with S., I keep hoping it will, but maybe I am just kidding myself. I feel trapped for a number of reasons besides this crisis and desperate and have been depressed about this matter for almost the entire length of my new relationship. Does anyone have any new advice besides the obvious?
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depressed, in the mood, my ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Hmmm, Frank gave some very good advice...RIGHT up to the end. Frank, given your answer, no one who is ever happily married would have ever broken up in the past before they ultimately decided to be together or had any strains/seperations in their marriage either.
Of course we know that this happens all the time. People break up, even date other people, then get married when they mature and live happily ever after. Not sure how you get to that no one who was ever meant to be would ever separate or break up.
That being said- The answer to this one IS obvious.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (8 January 2009):
 Does anyone have any new advice besides the obvious?
Why isn't "the obvious" good enough for you? What do you think the obvious is?
First, get out of your current relationship. This is not fair to yourself, nor your BF. He deserves to be with someone that adores him and loves him, the way you loved (still love) your ex.
Next, you need to seek your ex back, and either make it work, or get closure with him. There is nothing beyond the extremes that is going to do it.
One last thing...you will NEVER have exactly the same relationship with any other man, the way you had with your ex. All people are different. It is not about finding the "same kind of relationship". That is an impossible dream. Elements might be similar, but you have set yourself up for disappointment by trying to re-create a past flame, and not appreciating your new relationships on their own merit. Unless you combat this particular pattern, you will never be able to find happiness with anyone, even if they are your soul mate better than your ex.
Lastly, I would ask that you consider something...you two broke up for a reason. As much as you want to rationalize the decision, as a man who is very much in love with my wife, and have dating many women in many great and not so great relationships, I want to share my experience with you...when a person is sure, beyond any doubt about the person they want to be with long term, there is NO decision that they would ever make to separate.
For the above reason, I can only guess that you two broke up because you were not meant to be, and thus you might be in love with a memory tainted by your own yearnings, rather than the reality of who he, and you are.
-Frank Kermit
www.franktalks.com
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