A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, I am currently caught up in a battle between my rational and biological elements. To put it simply, I never, ever, ever wanted a child and still don't, but there is some primal emotional need going on with me right now that says I do. I am 27 and for as long as I can remember I have been sure that I would never have children. There are several good reasons for this. First, I don't actually like babies, children, or teenagers for that matter. Many women fawn over kids, but they have always made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, or downright annoyed. Also, I think in a cuteness contest puppies and kittens blow babies out of the water! Second, I think there are some very good reasons as an individual that I should not have children. This sort of amounts to a Eugenics movement of one. My family has a history of abuse, alcoholism, cancer, diabetes, manic depression, etc. Should I really saddle a kid with that legacy? I myself am bi-polar, and was raised in an emotionally abusive household. This may mean that I would not be able to love a child properly. Third, I wonder if what the planet needs is another mouth to feed. We seem to be kind of crowded and running out of resources.So, as is evident, I have rationalized this out quite a bit, and have concluded that I will never have children. I have even been telling people this since I was a child. My problem however is that my body seems to disagree. Within the last 6 months or so I have developed what can only be described as a yearning. I am inexplicably jealous of my friends who get pregnant. I tear up when I see happy families. Basically I seem to be experiencing every cliche associated with a ticking "biological clock". Whenever I have these feelings I have to combat them with all the rational arguments which I feel strongly about, and the fact that I do not want children. I suppose my question here is, how do I get my body to stop sending me these signals? It's not what I want, but my uterus did not seem to get that memo! Should I get my tubes tied? What can I do? (Sorry for the length)
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (8 January 2009):
 "I also was wondering if there was anyone else out there in the same boat?"
My wife and I had this conversation before she got pregnant. We have family histories of diabetes, heart disease, obesity in my case, etc...my wife was adopted, so she does not know very much about her family history, but she did have a number of health problems. Yes I am aware that our children would inherit (or potentially) inherit some of this complications.
All that being said, I still want to be a father. I see having a family as something I value in my life. When growing up, I very much never wanted to have children. Hated kids, and hated the idea of having anything to do with my own family. I saw the whole process as a means to trap me, to make me unhappy, and what if I turned out to screw up my kids and be a lousy parent? What if I made mistakes?
Then something happened. I spent a number of years working on myself, and whatever issues I had...not because I wanted to become a parent, but because I was very unhappy with myself and where I was in my life. It was through that process that I worked through most (not all) of my demons. Once I have found a measure of peace, a little more stable happiness and the ability to love myself without being arrogant, I started to feel an interest in being a father.
I know I will make mistakes, but having worked on my issues, I know that I will make reasonable human mistakes, and likely not something that will wreck another human being. Once I reached that point, I was comfortable with my desire to start a family.
Lastly, in the event my children have some of the same issues I have, or used to have, my children will have something they need to cope. They have ME, and my experience and love for them to draw from. I did not have that kind of a resource when growing up, but I can be that resource for my own children, because I have worked through most of my issues.
I beleive that as of right now, you don't trust yourself to be a good parent. Given what you have written, I beleive you might be right, so until you eliminate your doubt, then do not have kids. But the idea to simply "not like" young people is more of a reflection of what you personally struggle with, than an actual hatred (too strong a word?) of young people. I think this might be something to look at in the future when you are feeling ready to re-visit this issue.
-Frank www.franktalks.com
A
female
reader, elisa_lee +, writes (8 January 2009):
 I know it's unrealistic and extreme but I believe children should only be brought into the world by people who want them completely and totally, are stable, healthy and secure.
There are way too many people on earth. We are displacing nature's variety of wondrous creatures and destroying the systems in which all things live. People need to stop breeding.
Everyone thinks "oh I'll just have one or two children." No one has a RIGHT to have children. On the contrary I argue every single individual has the responsibility to all life on this planet to STOP. I know you all think that what you do doesn't make an impact, you're just a few people among billions. But it does, it makes all the difference in the world. If everyone changes, we may be able to improve the horrible conscience of humanity.
Place ethical compassionate thinking and responsibility above your body's urges, please.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSatindesire- I agree, adoption would be the best option were I to cave into my current inclinations. However, I still believe the adopted children deserve stable and loving families who really want them, and that probably does not describe me. I have considered the hysterectomy option, or having my tubes tied, but am not well insured at the moment so that would have to wait.
Frank- My family has yet to shake these problems in three generations that I know of, and it is still ongoing. I could give you many examples of the turmoil that exists in my family at this very moment. So, I think your question about having children without these circumstances is an ideal that will never be reached. Aside from that I must re-iterate the fact that I really don't want children. As I said, I am not overly fond of them anyway, which makes the sudden weird desire for a baby extra annoying.
Thanks to you both for you quick responses and suggestions. I know there is no real answer to this question, but I just wanted some points of view. I also was wondering if there was anyone else out there in the same boat?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (8 January 2009):
From what I understand, you might not be allowed to get your tubes tied until a certain age (depending on the country you live in).
That being said, I think you are very responsible to be combating your biological urges when you are either not interested, or not ready to be a parent. Kudos for that.
My question to you is "Why?"
You do not have to answer me here publicly...but I think you might want to consider why you are THAT against it. I work with people with all sorts of backgrounds, and if you really feel that you do not have children, then do not. However, if you have fear that you will repeat your history of repeating behavior patterns, then perhaps you might want to work on those. Here is a question for you:"If it was not for your fear of repeating dysfunctional behavior patterns, would you THEN consider to have children?
I think this line of thinking, might bring you some peace in your struggle.
Take care.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (8 January 2009):
From what I understand, you might not be allowed to get your tubes tied until a certain age (depending on the country you live in).
That being said, I think you are very responsible to be combating your biological urges when you are either not interested, or not ready to be a parent. Kudos for that.
My question to you is "Why?"
You do not have to answer me here publicly...but I think you might want to consider why you are THAT against it. I work with people with all sorts of backgrounds, and if you really feel that you do not have children, then do not. However, if you have fear that you will repeat your history of repeating behavior patterns, then perhaps you might want to work on those. Here is a question for you:"If it was not for your fear of repeating dysfunctional behavior patterns, would you THEN consider to have children?
I think this line of thinking, might bring you some peace in your struggle.
Take care.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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