A
female
age
41-50,
*pril
writes:Dear Cupid, I have a situation which has left me unable to think, feel, react to much at all. I'm a very happy person and let a lot roll off my back but over the period of 4 years I keep having same problem. My husband is a Marine and has been in 15 years. In that time my husband has downloaded transexual porn, made DVD copies, even had 4 big binders of pictures hidden in his toolbox of his truck locked up. Every time it's happened he's denied they were his. Says their a coworkers, or a joke, etc. I thought we were over it till a week ago I found about 20 videos on his ipod he left out. Again he says it was an accidental download. I know he's lying but when I ask him he gets very mad and loses his temper. He says he loves me. So what should I do? I have 3 kids but he was never married or had kids prior to me 6 years ago. I love him but feel like I'm a coverup for his career he loves so much. I also feel stupid for staying but am I over reactng? Is this normal for some guys to do?
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female
reader, shanmust +, writes (13 November 2009):
Your husband is probably gay but is using you for a cover up. I had the same situation with the same lies with my husband. This went on for years until he got bolder and bolder. Now he is actively seeking transexuals to have sex with. We are no longer living together and are in the process of a divorce. He used me for all of these years to cover up his homosexuality and now no longer cares. RUN!
A
female
reader, @pril +, writes (25 December 2008):
@pril is verified as being by the original poster of the question To everyone,things are not much different.I do openly say little things here and there like..."Hes a pretty one" or When he refers to people being "gay" I say.."no maybe hes a tranny". Ive tried to get him to be open but he looks at me like in stupid.I was told maybe hes fufilling his fantasies and since they are so beautiful maybe he cant help it but im no slouch! Im in excellent condition,5'7 125pds,platnum blonde,big lips,40DD,size 3,and...I was a 3time Hawiian Tropics winner,swim suit model,I have a brain and work,and instruct kickboxing.I mean what does one need to make them happy now a days??? I dont look any different except I dont smile much anymore.I want my best friend back! I hate more than anything the loss of being open and honesty! I do however like the last answer given,and thank you. I dont feel so dumb now.To give more info though....he did moonlight years b4 we were married and still a marine at a gay bar in DC as a bouncer for 8months.Weird choice I know! Also he tells everyone this story of a MArine who when he was a corpral,had screwed a tranny in the open in front of him and others and how the guy didnt care because it felt so good.It was when they were in Thialand.I think it was him from the way the story changed over the years. I judt dunno.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): 1.) Is he unfaithful to you? If he is, does it really matter is it with woman, man or transsexual? If he isn't - everything is fine. Ask him about his addiction! Insist that he must be 100% faithful to you. Does he have sex with you? If he does and if it works well all else you need is his fidelity and good behavior. If he treats you and kids well and he is loyal to you who cares does he watch some porn? However, you must insist on his honesty - he must tell you the truth whatever it may be! This porn addiction must not be his hideout from your common problems. Tell him you want to watch this movies with him - it must not be his and only his "business" because you should share all your secrets if you want to live in harmony! Let he feel more free and let you in his deepest intimate world.
2.) A lot of man use porn and they usually start with "normal" porn and then like with drugs, they need something "stronger" - kinkier materials. Some transsexual, especially those in porn business look like real sexy women. It is unfair deception: they have breasts and feminine bodies, round buttocks, long legs, sometimes even beautiful feminine faces (no wonder - they start using female hormones in puberty predetermined to serve in porn business by mafia but it is another issue). This femininity triggers some subliminal mechanisms in some or most of the men. There are no transsexuals in nature and thus, someone's natural instincts are cunningly deceived by this artificial femininity. How about penises? Well, all man love touching erected penises - their own! What do you think, if they could, would they give oral sex themselves? Sure they will. So here we have combination of three factors:
1.) Transsexual feminine appearance.
2.) Auto-erotic impulses toward penis shape by itslef.
3.) Sadism - defeat and conquer owner of another penis dominating is sexual act.
Gay men do not like transsexuals just like transsexuals do not like them. Some bisexual man may be attracted to transsexuals. However all about transsexuals is deception and lie! Some men unfortunately, are not able to avoid this temptation and they become transsexual porn addicts or they start using transsexual prostitute services which is really very, very bad and unhealthy habit. Probably, (I would say 90%) your husband is not gay especially if you have normal, satisfying intercourses. 75% he is not bisexual too. 99% he has just fetish for transsexual porn. 95% he is transsexual porn addict. If he use transsexual prostitutes services he would then not use porn - having sex with them he would not need any porn besides!
3.) He is probably ashamed and very unhappy for having such interests but addiction is addiction. If you are aggressive he would just not talk about it. I understand you concern. Ask him that if he wants to watch porn like that you want to watch your own stuff! Tell him, lie him, you want to watch big penis male porn stars all the time to be even with him! He will be hurt and eventually understand what does he do to you! Very soon he will propose new deal: no one uses porn any more!
If he is still in active service, then you must understand he must have some kind of sexual relief. Maybe he is very faithful to you but use porn for masturbation. If so, it means he always need more and more kinky porn to reach excitement he needs for that. And maybe subliminally he feels it is not so bad to have fantasies about transsexuals because they can not be sexual rivals to you like for example real, good looking female porn star?
Your husband should understand that he must be honest about that and you must tell him his addiction hurts you. Anyway, warn him and try to make him honest before you do anything else. Marriage is very serious institution especially if you have kids and you must show some good will and patience.
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A
female
reader, jd11 +, writes (25 November 2008):
there is a yahoo group for women married to bisexual and gay men- called alternate path. It will help you to know that there are many women out there who are dealing with issues similar to yours. Only you know what is right for you.
I left my bisexual man- but you need to decide for you, best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): The below answer is a little harsh.
His transexual porn addiction doesn't necessarily mean that his life with you is a cover-up but it does mean that there is more to this and you deserve as his wife to know about it.
Presumably he is ashamed of this sexual urge. Whether it is a fantasy, or something he indulges in physically with other people, is something you need to get to the bottom of. Is it common for straight men? No.
If it is a fantasy, perhaps there is some middle ground where you can sort through this. It sounds like this could still be a possible.
The most important thing is to sit him down and tell him that you aren't stupid and you have loved him for 15 long years and deserve the truth. Do not come across like you are interigating him, or insinuating things, try and do it with the aim of making him open up to something he has probably never confessed to anyone in his life. But let him know if he doesn't start to give you more to go on, that your marriage is at risk.
I know this must be very hard for you, but try and remember that not everyones sexuality is so straight forward and there is nothing they can do about what they are attracted to. All sorts of people have different and alternative kinds of feelings and urges inside of them. Some are nothing more than fantasies that never want to be fulfilled - others are very much acted out and part of someones sexual activity. Once you have the whole picture of what's going on in your husbands head you will properly be able to go from there and work on what to do next. All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): Pics in his truck, dvds, and twenty 'accidental' downloads that not only made it onto his computer but ALSO his iPod? Come on woman, wake up and smell the roses. His life with you is his cover-up for his sexual attraction to transexuals. How can you put up with this? I would get out NOW. Your life is a lie.
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