A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'd really like some advice. I work with a lady called “X” who i thought i got on well with. We text each other outside of work and i've given her a lift home etc She's older than me so i sort of looked to her as a mother figure in a way.I work in a care home and yesterday i was called into the managers office out of the blue. He said he had be told be "someone" that i wasn't happy in my job anymore and other such things. I denied i'd ever said that to anyone (i haven't) and he made some other accusations about me talking when i was supposed to be working. Again, he was told this by "someone". I told him that yes i do obviously speak to my co workers, just like everyone else does, but i get on with my work like i'm supposed to. He said he wasn't angry he just wanted to know if i was happy in my job. I said i was and that was that.I work in the laundry with this lady who i thought was a friend. Sometimes another lady, let's call her “Z”, will pick up any spare hours in there when either me or the lady i work with aren't there. For quite a few months people have been telling me that “Z” is not happy in her job and wants mine. At first i thought this was just gossip but then i started to see signs that it might be true.I spoke to the lady i work with (“X”) and told her how upset i was about being pulled in the office when i felt like i'd done nothing wrong. She agreed and said that whoever it was that was bad mouthing me is pathetic and childish. For some reason, i had my suspicions about “X” and “Z” because they all of a sudden become very friendly.Today, i know it was wrong, but “X” left her phone out and when she wasn't there i checked her text messages. It turns out that she and “Z” have been messaging each other about me for at least a month or so. Calling me names and reporting back to each other. Basically one will spy on me when the other has a day off then tell the other one what i'm doing. They were both bad mouthing me.I spoke to our supervisor and she said that she will talk to the manager. She's very angry about what they did as well. I'm extremely hurt by what “X” did because i've always been there for her. We've worked together for 3 years and i've worked for this company for 9 without any problems. It's only recently, since “Z” has started working with us, that all this has happened. It's like she's poisoned her against me because she wants my job.I text “X” tonight and told her i knew what she'd been doing and that i felt betrayed and hurt. She hasn't responded at all. I have the weekend off but on Monday i will have to face her and i have no idea what to do. How should i handle it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): Hello This whole situation must be terrible for you but you are doing the right thing. X made the comment "you may have won the battle but you haven't won there war" to try and intimidate you and get to argue with her but you didn't which is good. She's also worried about her position as her dreadful behaviour puts her job in jeopardy. It's pathetic really and most of us older women wouldn't dream of behaving as she has, for any reason.It's good that you reported it and I'm sure that as your managers have supported you so far they will continue to do so. Managers hate trouble makers. I know I am one!I know it's also upsetting for you as you felt she was your friend. It's terrible to be betrayed but very few people will act like this and if it wasn't you it would have been someone else. I know you are also worried about what they may be saying on Facebook but the people that know you will know it's all lies and no-one else matters. Most of us like to distance ourselves from anything like this, especially at work, so don't think that your other colleagues will agree with any of it.I had an appalling experience at work long ago when an older man, who had a crush on me, tried to get me fired when I rejected him. Unfortunately my manager chose to believe his lies but as I was much better at my job than he was they refused to get rid of me. In the end he left because he couldn't get his way. I now think they didn't really believe him they were just scared as he had sued a former employer for wrongful dismissal. Either way I felt very alone and was very shocked that someone would treat me in that way. Be strong and try not to let it get you down. Enjoy your break and try not to think about it too much although I know that will be hard. Remember when you go back to hold your head high, carry on working and no matter what threats X makes they're all empty and meaningless and ultimately count against her. They cannot get rid of you as you've done nothing wrong. I hope this helps :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): Hi. Well, yesterday we where working together in silence as usual and out of nowhere she said "you may have won the battle but you haven't won there war". I just stood there like What? I then said i had no idea what she meant. She just walked off and went for her lunch break and didn't say anything else for the rest of the day.I've reported her to one of the team leaders and she's written everything down. She said she's going to show the manager when he gets back on Tuesday. Luckily i'm on annual leave now until 20th.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): OP here. It's her day off today so i was working on my own which was nice. Co-workers have been telling me that's she's been on Facebook posting things about me. She's blocked it so i can't see. The woman is 60 years old and she's acting like this. I'm constantly on edge now worrying about her finding something she can report me for. I can't believe she changed so quickly as soon as i told her i knew she'd been messaging Y. It's like i never knew her at all. She told people yesterday she was hoping i was going to get suspended, now that i haven't and the manager sort of stuck up for me she's acting crazy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): A huge well done to you! Really well done for taking action and going to see your manager - that took a lot of courage and you got results.Just be VERY wary that she doesn't try to take revenge somehow. She sounds like a low-life who is very cunning. It's just as I thought -she'd already been trying to plot something with your boss behind your back! This is what women like this will do. Don't rule out the possibility of her trying to 'up' her game and frame you somehow, so that she can turn around to your boss and say "see, I told you so". Keep the diary, as the other respondent suggested. But maybe, when this has died down a little, go and see your manager and just express your concerns that if this woman has tried to plot against you once, she will keep doing it. You don't want to seem like a pain to your manager now, but just professionally express your concern and ask if they have any advice for dealing with the woman in future.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (30 March 2015):
I'm glad you got through today. I'd suggest you keep a diary of any interactions you have with these two from now onwards. Names, dates, times etc If lies are being told about you and it's becoming your word against theirs etc Be careful! Cover your back. Let other colleagues know what's going on. This way other people will keep and eye out and can vouch for you. I worked with a girl once who was rude, not only to me but everyone. But for months she seemed to have it in for me. Always making nasty comments, insults etc I told other colleagues about her behaviour towards me and I suppose out of curiosity as well as concern, they used to watch and listen to how she was.One day I was dealing with a very difficult customer and had to call a manager to help me deal with this customer. This girl said very loudly "It's not the customer's fault you're too stupid to help her!"Shock! horror! She said this loudly in front of people but when confronted about this, she was quick to say she was only joking. Some joke! Luckily because I'd told people about her, a colleague who was nearby defended me and said he found her comment rude too. He'd been listening and watching out for any nastiness from her to me. But pick your colleagues wisely. The diary will come in handy if for example she was rude to you during a break, make a note of what time this break was, who else was there and even where you were e.g a fag break (if you smoke). By recording things, you'll have something to use to defend yourself. Even secretly record any bad behaviour towards you on your phone.I'm not an expert but worry these two will keep bothering you. Google harassment in employment in the UK. There are many websites that can offer you hints and tips on dealing with these two. Have a look at this website for more help. Copy and paste the link onto your web browser. https://www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassmentKeep us posted and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015): OP here.Well, i survived. I went to see the manager on my own and explained everything. He said that X had already spoken to him before me and written a letter (lying) saying that i always use my phone during work hours and that i go on Facebook all the time when it's actually her that does that. I told the manager this and he seemed to believe me. He then got us both in the office and told X that it was her word against mine and that i wasn't going anywhere. He also said that Y was in no way going to get my job. I'm very relieved although having to work in silence isn't that great.When i got home i noticed she blocked me on Facebook. Probably so she can post things about me without me knowing. I'm very hurt that she stooped so low as to deflect the blame onto me but i guess she's just showed her true colours. Thank you all for your advice.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (29 March 2015):
 I am very very sorry that you are suffering all this. I know how horrible it can be. I know how frightening and demoralising it is as I have been there. I have experience the ferocity of a really terrible bully and if I had not learned some better coping strategies I would have fared far worse.
Bullies do not target incompetent people. They especially target those who they see as potentially more competent to themselves and as a threat to themselves.
They also see themselves as ENTITLED to come out on top every time.
Do be prepared for these two to gang up against you and try to cause trouble.
Bullies bully because they can. They are manipulative and they have no problems with telling lies just to get another person into trouble.
I know because I have worked in a terrible place where bullying was rife.
At the time I loved that job and did not want to leave.
The absenteeism rate was high as morale was so low.
The bullying continued.
People kept resigning and the bullies stayed on and got promoted.
The bullying continued.
Customer service was affected and management focused on everything else but the bullying.
Particular people were targeted with bullying and pressured and given a higher workload than others and their own health started to suffer.
The bullying continued.
One man A was very badly bullied by another man B. Management sided with B despite there being witnesses to the bullying who also complained about B's actions.
B stayed and A had his contract cancelled.
A took on the company and won in a Court Judgement on bullying
The company then hurriedly restructured A's former work area so there was no job left for A.
The bullying continued.
I started to realize that I was wrong to stay.
The bullying was entrenched.
I should have left earlier.
My advice is to be very cautious.
If you take that FB remark to management they are just as likely to say it proves nothing. That it could mean many things that are nothing to do with you (even though it is probably about the bullying of you)
Managers hardly ever want to admit they have bullying in their midst. It makes them look bad if they were seen to have been the one who appointed the bully.
Instead speak to the manager as early as possible, preferably before Bully 1 and Bully 2 arrive at work.
Do not add in things that occurred outside work. The manager is not able to stop those things.
Do not add in the texts you read.
BUT if accused of spying on her phone then the only plausible explanation that will work re the texts is that you picked up the phone and read those texts by mistake and put it down as soon as you realised it was not your phone Otherwise those bullies WILL get you on spying on their phone.
Be alert for anyone trying to set you up.
Assertively speak along the lines to the manager re:
I am feeling very uncomfortable about some actions of two people at work.
This is the action that is occurring at work
This is how it made me feel
And this is what I would like to happen instead.
And guess what the manager may say?
That remark on FB may have nothing to do with you
You do not know if they were talking about you - and then you (the messenger) will be branded as the problem - I have seen that happen.
quietly look for another job.
Do not advise that you are looking for another job
If you can get references from people outside of your current workplace then do.
Do not advise you have won a new job until it is all signed and sealed.
If possible you could even choose to not say where you will be working next once you score the job.
Bullies love to bully a person. But they do not actually want their target to leave the organisation; instead they enjoy seeing their target slowly reduced to a level where the person loses motivation, loses confidence in themselves and finds their career trashed. Once a person gets that low they are unemployable any where else.
If I had been wiser I would have left that previous job after the first out of bullying. but the trouble is bullies groom their victims over time so that the victim will trust them.
Bullies really are weak, inadequate insecure and thoroughly nasty people. They cost companies millions. They ruin careers of others. And they really DO NOT CARE how much mayhem they cause. Because they feel justified about all that they do. They truly do believe they are helping the situation.
Please do read the following:
http://elmaton1.webs.com/cwpp.slq.qld.gov.aubbabook.pdf
And especially study Biderman's Chart of Coercion in that link above as I think you will gain some valuable insights into how bullies bully and how to counteract the nastiness of bullying.
But do not expect management to listen as often they too are part of the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015): Go straight to your manager and show her, if possible, this facebook entry and tell her your concerns about this woman. Act now, don't leave it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): OP here:
Someone from work messaged me on Facebook and said that X has put on there "Advice has been listened to. Letter written. Facts checked now ready to go".
I'm really worried. What could that mean?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Oh my goodness, I've been in a very similar situation. If you have time to read this I'd urge you to do so because I think the situation you are in is really quite a dangerous one and I'd strongly suggest that you 'nip it in the bud' right here and now and go back to your manager and say that you think this other woman is after your job and trying to get you into trouble. The reason I say this is because of what happened to me - here's my story:I shared an office with 3 women. For about my first three months, however, there were just the two of us - my older boss and me. We got on like a house on fire, I had no problem with her and after the three months probation period she told me I'd fitted into the company really well and she was very happy to keep working with me. I was so happy and loved going into work. My boss was office manager and I was an adminstrator, but a very experienced one.Then a new woman started as PA to the two male directors (who each had their own office). This woman was also older than me - I'd be about 32, she was 42 and my boss was about 52. That was when the trouble started. This woman had no seniority over me at all BUT she behaved, from the start, and slowly and surely, as if she had more and more of it. Looking back, it's so very easy to see what this woman was doing. She had a master plan all along, but I didn't know. The plan was to either get me or my boss out of our jobs so that she could get one of the jobs as well as her own. And I have to admit she was REALLY good at her job - fast as hell on everything and stunned the directors with how quickly she could work. BUT she started emailing me whilst in the office (with my boss there too), sending me emails, under my boss's nose, bad-mouthing my boss whilst my boss was sitting there. I was so shocked and didn't respond. But what I also thought was, if she's sending emails about my boss to me, is she also sending emails about ME to my BOSS? And was my boss responding? This started to unnerve me. We'd all be sitting at our computers at separate desks, getting on with our work and occasionally chatting, but I started to feel like they might be having a private email conversation even whilst I was sitting there. It was a horrible feeling.Then (and it's clear now that she was sending these emails to test out who was going to side with her, me or my boss) she started to 'plant' problems to make me seem like a bad worker in front of my boss and to cause trouble between us. There were countless examples of her trouble-making. She'd pass on what had been intended as absolutely harmless comments, or comments made out of sincere concern, about my boss and to my boss, but she'd do it in a very suggestive way, as if more had been said than it had. Then she'd try to make me look bad in front of the directors. For example, at the VERY last minute before her two bosses (the male directors) had a really important meeting, she asked me to suddenly get loads of tea and coffee and refreshments ready for them in the meeting room downstairs, saying she'd been given a last minute assignment and needed my help. This was NOT part of my job, but I did it. Turns out that the equipment for serving tea and coffee was VERY confusing - it was impossible to know which jug was for coffee or tea and, crazy as it sounds, there were some other confusing issues to do with the crockery they had for this - a jug for hot water looked exactly like the tea and coffee jug and so on. But I did my best and managed to get stuff put onto the table for them. I felt instinctively that she was up to something. Lo and behold, our very stuffy and uptight directors complained that their guests had been confused about which was tea or coffee and she immediately blamed me. If I'd turned around and said "look, I was asked to do this at the last minute and had about 60 seconds to get everything to you" it would have looked like I had a bad attitude, so I said nothing - big mistake. Then came other things. Saying to me loud and clear in front of my boss "let's go for lunch" and then going into a department store and almost forcing me to try on a dress. When I politely said, look, we'll be late back she would just say "Oh, M won't mind, she's always late back for lunch", with me thinking "no she's not, what are you talking about?", but not wanting to cause any trouble. Then persuading me to buy this dress I REALLY didn't want. Then on the way back insisting that she get a coffee for which we had to queue for ages but when we got back to the office, saying in a big loud voice to my boss, "Oh sorry we're late, L wanted to buy a new dress", making it seem as if it was all my fault again.Other things like this followed, one after another after another. Then she did things to become 'best friends' with my boss. She took a day off work and arranged to visit my boss at her own (my boss's) home. Then my boss's grandchildren came into work to visit her and she made an incredible fuss of them, to the delight of my boss. A great many devious things followed. My boss took a week off work and this other woman came in HOURS late, every single day, knowing I wouldn't say anything. Slowly and steadily my boss turned against me and even began to pick on me.Then came the crunch. I took my two weeks' annual leave and, whilst I was away, this woman persuaded my boss to come up with a strategy to re-structure the running of the office so that each of them would share part of MY job and get a pay rise AND be able to work a four day week by working four long days. I came back and the other woman was (conveniently) on a day off and I was told by my boss that my job had been made redundant. I was out of a job. What's more, when I tried to re-register BACK at the agency that I'd found the job through, what became clear to me was that they stopped returning my calls and went stone cold on me. Now, I know enough to know that when an agency does this something is wrong and they've 'blacklisted' you but they won't tell you what in case you try to sue them. When I looked at their terms and conditions it said that, if a company let an employee (who they had placed) go within six months of the start of employment, then the employer would get half of the agency fee back. This was obviously what my boss had done - or what this woman had persuaded her to do - made me redundant within the six months to get some money back, but leaving my reputation at the agency ruined! And it was one of the top agencies in the city!Looking back, I was an idiot. Totally naive about office politics and FAR TOO NICE! You sound the same! DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THIS WOMAN FINDS A WAY TO TAKE YOUR JOB! Act now and go to your manager with your concerns. It seems like they are willing to take you seriously and will believe you, not like my boss who was far too gullible and taken in by this woman.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (28 March 2015):
If you can't avoid them then be polite, stick to neutral topics like weather, music, X factor etc Just be careful around them. You don't know what they'll do next.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2015):
 I'm with Auntie Bim Bim
WALK in with your HEAD held high, be polite, BUT FOR GOODNESS SAKE do NOT discuss ANYTHING with these two ladies. If they try and chat, stick to chatting about the weather. If she bring up the "issue" tell her you already sorted it out with the manager and you have NOTHING to talk about with HER.
No more texting X. SHE is NOT a friend. Neither is Z.
Was your friendship a lie? Not sure. But I think it was a friendship from YOUR end, for her? maybe not so much, a REAL friend wouldn't want to throw you under the boss for someone else. Which is why I'd say no more texting. BLOCK her number.
If she DOESN'T APOLOGIZE I'd just stick to bring polite. If she DOES apologize I'd STILL stick to NON-PERSONAL topics.
SHE is NOT a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): OP here again.
To the person who told me to avoid "X" i can't because we work together. Literally, it's just us alone in the same room.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): OP here.
Thank you so much for your replies. It has helped a bit even though i'm still hurt. I just can't believe she'd do that to me. We buy each other Birthday and Christmas presents every year. I've listened to her family problems. I just can't get my head around it. Did she ever like me? Was our entire friendship a lie?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): You walk in and hold your head high, kill them with kindness as the saying goes. Don't sink to their pathetic level, just be yourself. You don't need people like that in your life. I'm sorry someone you considered to be a friend would act like that, but at least you know her true nature and not to trust her again. I would be polite to her and professional at all times.
Don't be tempted to argue it bring it all up, don't be tempted to text anything negative. Don't give her anything she could moan about, you just keep doing your job as best as you can.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (28 March 2015):
These two women are trouble. I'm glad you found that out and can now handle them carefully. Yes, carefully because with these two, who knows what else will happen. They seem hell bent on making trouble for you.
I used to work with 2 girls my own age who were all nice and friendly with me, having lunch together, moaning about work and the manager we had at the time. This manager was a nightmare and no one liked her. One day I got pulled aside by a senior manager who said that A and B (the 2 girls I thought were my friends) had reported me for being abusive to this manager! OMG!!! That was not true. To make matters worse not only had these girls betrayed me but they lied about me too.
How did I cope, I ignored them. Easier said than done but I could'nt deal with anymore of their sh*t. They continued causing trouble anyhow not only for me but other people. They found another 'victim' eventually so to speak. People like X and Z are to be avoided.
Be glad you found out otherwise you could have continued trusting X and ended up in alot of trouble for no reason. Hold your head high on Monday. You've done nothing wrong and just avoid those two. If they decide to get their own back, report it immediately. Don't take cr*p from them!
I know you feel hurt and you have every right to be. However don't waste your time or energy on them. Call it a lesson learned and next time I know you'll be more careful around your colleagues. It's not nice that you have to be cautious around people at work but I speak from experience. Keep your head down, smile and be friendly by all means but draw a line that no one can cross.
Not everyone you work with will be this nasty but you'll know to be careful in future. But you handled it all well me thinks.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 March 2015):
 You go into work as usual, you say morning" to your colleagues, you respond in a polite and open manner if they direct conversation towards you.
These ladies now know that you are aware of their backstabbing, duplicitous behaviour, they should be, as a minimum, embarrassed by their behaviour, and worried about what might happen with regard to THEIR employment.
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