A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ever since I was a child I have been blamed for everything that as gone wrong in my mothers life. Labelled a difficult child, spoilt, etc. Blamed for the break down of her marriage, (even though domestic violence and my fathers infidelity was a major part) blamed for being "baggage" when she started dated again.Had a turbulent teenage years - forever arguing with her and her many boyfriends who moved so her mortgage was paid. But they didn't want me there and were forever shouting at me and I was even made homeless at 13 years as one of them men gave her an ultimatum and she chose him. I slept rough for a while as my father has remarried and didn't want the hassle. Eventually I moved in with a friends family until I went home again.At 16 years I got blamed after my sister was sexually abused by one of these men. My mum went out for the evening and wanted me to babysit which I couldn't do due to my own plans. Her boyfriend babysat and the most horrific thing happened. He blackmailed my mum that if she informed the police he would plant drugs on me and get me arrested (he was a police officer) so my mum didn't go to the police, blamed me and now my sister hates me and doesn't speak to me.Thankfully, determine to be a better person and determine to never to be reliant on a man as my mother was. I got my degree (after leaving school with no qualifications), travelled the world, got a wonderful job I love and married a wonderful man (my mother even made a scene at my wedding and made me cry but that's another story). I'm now 6 months pregnant.I still have a relationship with my mum, who despite what I have written does care for me however she still blames me for everything and regularly shouts at me, accuses me of always trying to pick a fight with her and goes on to list everything she has ever done for me and how ungrateful I am. I've explained that I have a lot of stress at the moment (difficult pregnancy with complications, studying for my MSc and moving house and moving away from home so I'm quite isolated at the moment as I don't have any local friends or family apart from my husband) and with my hormones I'm a bit up and down, but she doesn't understand this and takes no responsibility for her own aggression towards me or show any empathy to my feelings. This is her first grandchild which she's excited about and is again making me feel guilty for moving her only grandchild away from her.I've told her I need a break from her as I have my baby to think of and I don't want the stress of her actions harming my child. I know this is for the best but I'm feeling incredibly guilty. It's a guilt I've had all my life and I'm scared I will never break the cycle of this toxic relationship.My mother had a bad childhood herself (her brother abused her and a poor education) and as complex psychological needs and phobias and I also consider this and often excuse her behaviour because of it. It's a can't live with her can't live without her situation but I now feel I'm about to become a mother myself and I can't let my own child be apart of this. She will never change as she doesn't recognise she as a problem- in her mind I'm the issue not her. I'm at a loss what to do - accept her or just cut her out for the sake of my child. Please help- any advice on similar relationships will be greatly received.Thank you Xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2019):
 I think you KNOW that dropping your mom IS the best for you AND your baby (and marriage). Whether this is long term or not, that is up to you.
KNOW that you CAN NOT change who she is or HOW she behaves, the only thing you CAN control is how you react TO that behavior.
FOCUS on the baby and you marriage.
The likelihood of you mom being a good influence on you and your child is PRETTY low, considering what she did to you growing up and to your sister. Blaming you for what HER BF did to your sister on you, is LOW - it's horrific. And the fact that your sister OBVIOUSLY chose to believe your mom, means that you mom is GOOD at manipulating people. Which for me would mean there is NO WAY in the WORLD I would let her near my child. EVER.
Consider finding a counselor to talk over this toxic relationship you have with your mom so you can DEAL with what she did and perhaps get the tools to be OK with no having her in your life any more.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2019): Cut her out of your life forever....no guilt.Do you want her to abuse your child just like she did to you?You are going to be a mother soon.....so that means your baby's safety and welfare must always come first.You do not need your mother of your sister and her assault was your mother's fault one hundred percent.I would say get to consuling because the way they treated you was terrible abuse and you need to learn that.I would not even let them know where you live or your phone number.You have a husband now and will soon have a baby that is your family.There is no time for haters like that in life.Protect your child never let your mother or sister even meet your baby as they are poison.Not your fault have no guilt enjoy being a mom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2019): You ask if you should accept her or cut her out. I wonder if there's something in between. You recognise that your mother's behaviour is likely the result of her own traumatic past that she hasn't processed but also that she is unlikely to ever change because she doesn't have the insight to see that she's treating you terribly.
You'd be perfectly justified in cutting her out, she's been abusive and cruel but I sense you don't want to do that. Is there a way you can have a more boundaried relationship with her? For example I will meet you for an hour, in the coffee shop, every other saturday at 11 am. If you x y or z (say for example blame me for my sisters abuse) during that meeting, I will leave and I'll see you the next time.
Could be more or less, different rules etc but setting a clear boundary where you both know where you stand and what to expect might make it feel less chaotic and out of your control.
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