A
female
age
41-50,
*oldblondie
writes:Here is my problem.....I have been married for the last 12 years. This marriage has been very unhealthy and destructive in many ways. First my husband has been a drug addict and has been incarcerated for the past on multiple occasions. I have 2 small children with him. I remained in this marriage hoping for a change. During my marriage I he managed to drag me into his lifestyle and not only financially drained me but emotionally as well. In April of last year my husband was arrested again and was sent to prison for 2 yrs. In the past I have stayed by his side, being the faithful wife thinking that when he came home thing would be different. In the past he would come home but things always eventually went back to the same. I was unhappy and miserable. During this incarceration I made the decision to move on with my life. I am now working towards financial security and have started my own business. Things are finally moving in the direction that I want them. Also, during this time I have met someone else. This man that I met is wonderful. He is smart, funny, very laid back and down to earth. He has had a similar past as myself and is not judgmental. we have had a mental, physical connection from the very beginning. He was my neighbor and we started out as friends and it has over the last few month evolved into more, and we now see each other on a regular basis. I feel like this man is so much of what I have been looking for but there is one problem....his parents. He moved the area we live in about the same time I did. His parents are aging and they run a farm. So he came here to help them with the farm. But they feel the need to control a lot of his life. When we were neighbors and his parents found out about us..they actually threatened to cut him out of his land and the farm if it continued. The reason he gave me is b/c they knew I was still legally married and they wanted him to cut it off. The other issue i feel is that his parents are quite judgmental and put a lot of emphasis on "image". Despite the fact that i am an educated woman who now owns my own business. So for the last few months we have continued our relationship but his is constantly lying to his parents when he is with me. He tells them that he is with other friends. We have an incredible connection and our sex if is amazing and very intense. He make me feel like no other. So the problem is now that my husband whom i was filing for a divorce has found out about this other man. And he now says he realizes how much he has messed up and just how much he truely loves me. I hear a true sincerity that I have never heard before. He has cried begging me not to leave him and claims that he is truely changed. I ask my self can it be that he has really changed into the man I have always wnated him to be. But now I have the current man that I am seeing. I do not know what to do. Do I finalize my divorce with my husband and move on...and if I do it while he is incarcerated and he has changed then i run a risk of losing the very thing I have always wanted, but then I think about the man I have been seeing and wonder what kind of future I can have with him. He is so much of what I have always wanted, we connect on so many levels it is unreal...we have so much in common but we do have this issue of the parents. But what if i stay with my husband he goes back to his old ways and I possible lose the best thing that has come into my life. I am afraid of both those situations. I have yet to really talk with the man I have been seeing. I am not sure how to bring up the where is this going discussion. He does interact with my children and they really like him a lot. My children are 4 and I feel that my decision not only impacts me but my children as well. I would really like some suggestions and insight here. I do not want to hurt my husband, and of course I think about my children and keeping a family in though as I make my decision. i feel truly torn. Please help me
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 February 2010):
Before you completely leave your husband, you need to find out if the new guy is serious about you. Would he be willing to start a relationship with someone who's ex husband is seething with rage in jail (and might come out with a bad attitude) and also with someone who has 2 small children? You have to be sure that this is not just a sexual thing for him and get some commitment first. My policy is never burn your bridge while you are still crossing it. You just don't know if you have a real future with him. Can he stand up to his parents? Who told you of their threats? Him? Sometimes men make up stories to avoid commitment and being seen in public together. Sorry to be so cynical but I have brothers who have said stuff like this; one of my brothers once dated a Japanese girl and lied to her he couldn't marry her because my parents would disown him, yet my parents are not at all like that. He just didn't want to commit to her. Try find a way to meet the parents just as his friend and see for yourself if they are as evil as you have heard. Maybe you can get to charm them and neutralize any ill-feelings they may have. I was in a similar situation where ex was crying and pleading and promising change. But the bottom line is: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You have to think with your head and not with your heart. When you have children relying on you to provide a future for them, then what's love got to do with it? I left my partner; it was a long hard process and now I'm with a wonderful man who is good to my kids and provides them with a stable future and good example of what being a family is. Exposing your kids to their drug addict and jailbird father for the most critical years of their lives will only damage them in the long run. Kids need more than love; they also need to learn about values, respectability, decency, stability, obedience and become law-abiding citizens. Ofcourse you should ensure that they also know their father and get to see him when possible too because it would be terribly unfair to them and their father not to have this opportunity. However, if you really believe that things between you and your husband can change then by all means go for it; but insist on counseling. I went for counseling with 3 different counsellors and saw that he was still lying. So I gave up. If he says he has stopped drugs, insist on random tests to check on him. Insist that he works in a real job and continues to get help in 12 step programs. The decision is never an easy one, but it has to be made. So think it through very carefully. All the best.
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