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writes: I have been married for 12 years and then one day, I got an email from the real love of my life that had broken down 15 years earlier. I won't get into why it did not work out then other than to say we were young (early 20's) and careers and location could not be overcome. Anyway I answered and it turned into a real hot affair. Everything we felt years ago came back so so fast. I was torn with whether to leave my wife for her or not. In the end, I had to follow my heart and go for the girl of my dreams from the past. We had our affair long distance over 8 months. Saw each other several times and it was so good. But there were so many obstacles. She then left her husband but had custody trouble. It bugged her a lot. I did not tell my wife about her yet though due to a very complex custody issue also. But then, without my wife knowing, I went to the woman. But after a week together, things got complicated. Me having so much trouble with custody (since my wife is not from my country), her having ended her marriage etc, that she became unsure of things. Then she told me that she needed space and time. After 10 years of marriage needed to know that I was what she really wanted and not a fantasy she had due to having a bad marriage the last couple years. It devastated me. I love this woman more than I could ever have imagined. I went back to my wife (she still does not know). I know I will be criticized heavily for my own behaviour and know I deserve that. But as much as I try, I can't love my wife again even for the sake of being with my son. I can't get her out of my head. And she is having trouble getting me out of hers and we are slowing talking and emailing again. Even talking of a weekend together again. What the hell do I do? I want my son so bad and would give anything to love my wife again. But it is not like that I know. Would love to be with this girl that I really do love so much. But she says she loves me so much too but won't let us be together until she is sure of herself and feels better about herself. How do I get her back? Or how do I forget her. Seems everything is ruined now. I can't love my wife anymore and can't have the one I really love. She says she needs independence for a while but then really does want to come back to me. This sounds like a lot of bullshit though and I can't understand it. I want to send her a nasty get lost letter but my heart won't let me. I love he so much that if there is a chance to have her in the end, I don't want to ruin it. Am I being stupid. Yes I know I am being terrible to my wife by keeping it all from her. But until I can figure out what to do about the other woman, I can't handle telling my wife as it would mean losing my son completely too. Then I get nothing. What do I do? It is so hard to figure out.
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reader, beenthere +, writes (22 January 2006):
The first thing for you to do is to talk things over with your wife. be completely honest with her. your son will suffer more in a loveless family than if you leave your wife. then you can think about whether this other woman really is the love of your life. even in the unlikely event of you getting custody of your son(sorry i have to say that as it is usually the woman who gets custody unless there are good reasons not to), you don't want to take him away from the family home straight into having a new "mum" around.
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