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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been in a relationship for 2 years and I'm planning to break up because I'm not really happy and fulfilled with him. Before him, I was with another guy, in another country and another continent. We lasted for 2 months in a long distance relationship, we both had to part in different directions to different countries so that's why we couldn't be together. After those 2 months I came to the conclusion that being so young (we both were 19) and trying to maintain a relationship this way wasn't fair for either of us, and so I broke up with him.. I also felt that he was losing interest himself. Then I met my current boyfriend and I honestly don't know how I've managed to be with him for so long.. I've tried to break up with him multiple times because of big fights we've had but it's never worked, and now I'm going to do it again, but I don't know how.. I hate breaking hearts. To make a long story short; a month ago or so, memories of my ex bf started coming to my head with such a force that they haven't faded up to now, and I'm afraid I'm falling for him again even though he's in another country at the moment. I wrote to him after 2 years and he said he'd be visiting some countries, mine included, and that he hoped he could see me. The only thought gives me butterflies. Could it be that after such a long time he still has feelings for me, or is he simply being friendly? I have no idea how to act around him when he comes, because I can't stop thinking that the last time I saw him, I loved him a lot and he was like the best thing I had back then. So my question is; my final exams are coming up very soon. My bf's are coming up a month and a half. Should I break up with him now and deal with my own sadness + exams, or should I break up with him after my exams and make him deal with the break up and his exams. I've been thinking it would be more fair to do it now and give him the time to set his mind straight before he has to start studing for his exams. The thing is.. my ex is coming in 2 months, and I'm travelling to see my family in 2 months and a half. My bf wants to meet my family but I don't want him to come with me because I don't want to introduce someone with whom I'll break up sooner or later anyway. And also, when my ex comes I don't want to feel that I'm cheating by seeing him at the same time that I'm with my bf. What should I do? I'm very confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Thank you Ted-ster, for your quick reply :)
You're very right about me over-idealizing my ex.. we were together for such a short time that I only got to see the "good" part of him. I didn't sleep with him and I'm not planning to sleep with him when he comes either.. I guess my fantasy consists more on what could be in the future when the two of us go back to the same country in a couple of years. But I really shouldn't worry about that.. time will tell. Thank you, though, for reminding me that I could be the only one setting up movies in my head and that he could be perfectly cool about seeing me. So yeah, he should be an interest friend, although I have to admit I've always had a soft spot for him.. but I'll try to act with Reason!
Anyway, I'll go study now :) Thanks again!
A
male
reader, Ted-ster  +, writes (3 May 2009):
You make this much more complicated than it has to be.
1. Focus on your exams. That will have much more of an impact on your life than Joe, Harry, and Francois, or whomever you're dating or thinking about dating now.
2. Dump the current BF. You're not into him. Done. Wish him well, good luck, bye-bye, and be done with it. Say you need space, and don't see him again until next academic year. Again, bye-bye and good luck.
3. Tell ex BF you are looking forward to his visit. It's always good to have a collection of interesting friends from different places. Of course you can't maintain a fulfilling relationship long-distance, in two countries nonetheless, but you can maintain some kind of a distant friendship, if you didn't sleep with him. It sounds like, however, you slept with him (??), so, for women, it complicates things much more. Consequently, he is now very likely thinking, "Heh! Maybe I'll get laid again!" but he is not thinking about a "relationship," even if he says so. Think long and hard about sleeping with him again. I strongly recommend that you do not; it will have a lasting impact on you, and very little on him, except that he will feel good that he got laid. And that will make you feel bad. Trust me. If you don't believe me, read some of the other posts LOL.
Also, because you are under stress now with current BF and exams, you are looking back to a more fun/comfortable time in your life, as a form of escape, without even realizing it, perhaps. If I were you, I would not have contacted your ex BF, but, since you did, just enjoy your ex BFs visit. Show him, and his family, "the town," and be a good hostess. However, as a result, I would strongly guard against holding this person, who lives in a distant land, as a fantasy BF. It will prevent you from developing meaningful relationships with other men because it will be difficult for these men to compete with tyour created fantasy. Real life can be difficult, challenging, filled with exams:), and responsibilities, particulary as you get older. Women tend to over-fantasize things, particularly with unattainable exs that they've slept with. Good luck. And start studying:)
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