A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im with my boyfriend named joey for over 2 years and a half.he's 14years older than me.over 1 year ago,we got into a big fight.i left him and he didnt return my calls or my text or try to find me back cause i know that is what he wants from me but he's just too afraid to say it.so he gets what he want.so after the break-up,i moved on and start to seeing someone else unfortunetly,i couldnt find someone who can make me feel the love so then i just concentrate on my work and my life.after quite sometime he comes back and ask for a forgiveness and he was hoping i could give him a second chance.i didnt straightly say yes.i ask him to prove it.he did.so we're couple again.everything is alright till the last few months.i can feel that my love towards him has fade away,it's like i dont feel the same way like i do have before towards my relationship with him.so i was kind of holding back and refuse to have my own space for me to think.suddenly out of sudden when i need someone who can bring back that special feeling and make me feel this world is only about me and my lover,mike came into my life and color it with lots of wonderful colors.he bring back my laugh,he put a smile on my face and he make me feel butterflies on my tummy everytime i talk to him.but there's a thing,mike is not here in malaysia.he's at london for finishing his studies and he'll be back on march 2010 and i never had a chance of meeting him in person yet.we talked to each other every single night thru webcam.and he's belong to someone,he already got enggaged with other person.way before i knew him.but afterall i was like just dont give a damn in a way.he seems serious,we talk about marriages,kids,future,how we cant live without each other,how we cannot afford to lose our relatonship.but still in the same time,i try to work out on my relationship with joey then again unfortunetly this time he the one ask for a break-up and put all the blame on me.i just keep silent.he told diffrent stories to my family about our break-up but still i just keep silent.i was upset at first but in a way,i feel relief for some reason i dont know.then i just continue my internet relationship with mike.he told me he was thinking to confront his family to break-up with his fiance because from what i heard from his friends,his enggagement is based on what their parents want as he did love his fiance but that was before.their relationship is on the rocks way before he knew me.i just cant wait for him to come back home.i want to do lots of things with him and i want to see the face that make me smile everyday as i didnt have the chance yet.and now me and joey remains as a friend the way i want it because deep down i know i still love him and whatever happen between me and him someday soon,i will always remember him and i will put him in the special place of my heart.i love him but he just hurt me so much before till it is hard for me to love him like before,till it is hard for me to accept him and gave him the third chance.that is my story and the advice that im seeking is,1-is it worth for me to wait for mike to come back home next year and wait for him whether he will confront his family about to break the enggagement and just crossing my finger that all the things he said,all the love he shows are real?2-is it right of what im feeling now between joey and mike?3-what should i really do in this situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): hey male reader.i already spoke to joey about this and i can see that he was upset even he try to hide it.i told him about mike.how i still love him but he just ruined the chance.i told him that it's better for me to think about my future rather than being stress out of relationship matter.i can't afford to lose him as my friend but if he inssist of walking away,it's his own right and i respect that.thank god so far he can understand that and he feel guilty of what i have to faced the matter with my family but afterall i still didn't got the chance to discuss it with my family yet.what i have in mind now is just to let the thing cool down by itself cause i did try to tell my family the truth but they seems to sided joey.they think joey deserve me the best rather than anybody else.i try to make them believe that might be there is someone better out there waiting for me but they seems cant accept it so i was just gonna let them do their judgement of how my life would be in the future with or without joey or maybe with mike and who knows with someone who really2 made for me that god will sent to me someday.if hypocyritation needed in this matter that i have to be fake infront of them,i will do it if that is the only way to solve this and shut their mouth.it's so complicated and i just hope god will guide me and pray that he will set the better plan for me after this.what do u think? anyway again,billions of thank u cause u really make me feel better and make me think i'm in the right side of following my gut feeling.pray god will bless u right.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Hello again!I am glad to have helped you think your situation through regarding Joey and Mike.Now regarding your family, I think is really important to tell the truth about your situation with Joey. How you think the relationship was no longer going to work. Tell them that he had his second chance.If he is talking about you badly behind your family, I think you have to defend yourself. You're family should be the people that knows you through and through since you grew up with them. Set the record straight regardless they will believe you or not. It is a responsibility to yourself and your family that they must know the truth. Defend your reputation to your family with cold facts.The most important thing you must do is to talk to them in a calmest way possible. You have to REHEARSE what you have to say before you talk to your family. Be gentle and calm and factual.Tell them that you find the need to explain your side because you don't want them to think differently of you since they are an important part of your life. Tell them that losing Joey was hard but losing your family's trust would be harder. Just be honest and sincere to them but DON'T FORCE them to believe you. Just state your case and let them be the judge.I really hope you'll gain your family's trust back since boyfriends can be easily replaced more than family.On a more important note, get a second opinion on this matter especially from someone that knows your family since I don't know them well enough that what I have suggested would work for you best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): hye to male reader,im the girl who posted this question.i should say, thank you very much for an good advice as i really do need to hear other parties advice as i cant spoke or discuss this with family or friends cause as usual,they will back me up or joey's situation.i was thinking the same too about joey and mike and what are you telling me about them is the same thought that i have about this two guy.you were suggesting me to take my own sweet time for me to be single and date other man which is im thinking about it too.im really glad that now i know what do i have im mind is not wrong.i couldnt thank you more for open my eyes.but there's one thing that i really need to ask as well.joey told diffrent stories about our break-up to my family and yeah i admit that i didnt confess about mike but i think he did not respect me as he drop my waterface to my family and i could say this matter has been bigger than i thought it would be.my family mad at me.i never talk bad things about him but now i just dont know how to explain the real situation to my family as they only see the kindness of joey.what should i do?and about mike,we still contacting to each other but i just can feel that my 'relationship' with him cant last long.hmmm...*sigh*....=(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009):
From what I understand, Mike is somebody you are not sure of but you like so far. I hope that's a fair assessment since you haven't met him.
There's a good difference with online relationship to a face-to-face relationship. It's too easy to censor ourselves and putting our best behavior just by hitting "backspace." You have a lot to know about Mike.
He is also in a complicated situation right now with his family and fiance because this would ultimately look like or maybe in truth to put it bluntly, he is cheating with his fiance.
It is very telling as to what kind of person he is—- that he can keep big secrets. If he cannot be honest NOW with his fiance and family, I say you are on a shaky ground. Honesty is the foundation of trust and trust is the lifeline of every healthy relationship. If he is not being honest to his fiance and family right NOW (I can't emphasize "NOW" enough) then I am sorry to say that he is not up there in the trustworthiness scale. He might even be totally different in person.
To be a trustworthy person, he should have told his fiance that their relationship is never going to work long beforehand he tried to look for a new relationship.
He is cheating. Period.
I have to say do not get your hopes up with Mike. You have to put more importance on his trustworthiness above the good "online" chemistry between you two. Not saying "clicking" with each other is unimportant.
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Now Joey, you know this guy but now that you do know him, the fact of the matter is that you love him LESS. This is not a good sign.
I don't know what is the nature of your "big fight" with Joey. Was he unfaithful? Is he too passive? Is he violent?
Since you said this would be his "third chance" if you get back with him, all I can say is: don't drag this one long enough unless you still feel happy with him now and see more happiness in the future with him. I don't think it would be healthy for you or for him.
In the future, can you imagine still being happy with him without his sins coming up inside your head every time you see him? If not, don't stay with him.
"Fooled me once; shame on you. Fooled me twice; shame on me."
SCORECARD:
Mike
1. You haven't met in person.
2. Lying to family and fiance.
3. Good "online" chemistry.
Joey
1. Love less.
2. Third chance.
3. You know him in person.
So here is what I think:
I say drop Joey because this would be his "third." Even if you love him, if not for the sake of stability, for the sake of your dignity please say goodbye to Joey.
I also say NEVER get your hopes up with Mike. You only have an online relationship with him and it's so hard to gauge a person in the internet. And the nature of your relationship as a secret is just a mighty red flag waving at you that he might also be keeping other "secret relationships."
If you can take being single for now, I think it's best. If not, date other men.
But in the end, the decision will be yours. These are only my thoughts regarding with the situation you presented.
I really hope this helps but then again, this is the internet.
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