Took drugs and sleeping pills , was very abusive to her, not the first time, can I save this relationship?

Hey, I'm wondering if you guys could help me out with something. I met this girl about a year ago. We started out as fwbs, but I decided I liked her more than that, like I thought I could fall in love with her, so we became a couple, but then she started to annoy me a little, so I decided we should became FWB's again. We took a trip recently together after a long time apart (we now live in different states). We had a fight on the last day of our trip. I was having some major anxiety, so I took way more than I should have of my sleeping meds and some prescrip opiates too, but I still couldn't fall asleep. That night, she told me that we should never talk to each other after the trip was over, that's how bad she thought the fight was, and I guess she was pretty angry over some of the stuff I said. I meant some of it, but I was out of control and i didn't mean all of it. I wanted to have her forget what I just said, but she seemed very closed off to the idea of fixing anything ever again. Anyways, the next day I was feeling really agitated. I think the pills I had taken, had a huge effect on me, and I was angry at her for telling me we shouldn't talk any more. I made her let me drive her car on the way back from our trip, and I admit, I was driving pretty dangerously, and I started some screaming matches when we were stuck in the car together and I said alot of bad things to her, even though some of it was the truth, I think I went too far. I was so annoyed and mad at her and the medication made it so much worse. She begged me to let her drive because she was getting scared, but I wouldn't let her. When we got back to my house, I told her she couldn't sleep there, even though it was very late and she was upset--crying--and she had a long drive home the next morning. She left my house after we said goodbye, and I thought that would be it for us. I couldn't feel anything but some emotion that was bad, but I couldn't feel it that much yet. but I noticed she was still sitting in her car crying hysterically after a half hour. I went out, and even though I was starting to get so annoyed and angry, I told her she could sleep at my house. She told me she knew she shouldn't, but she also told me that she didn't trust herself alone. She was pretty upset, like hyperventillating. She didn't come back into the house for a few hours after this. I guess she must've gone out and bought some beer, because when she came back in, she was pretty drunk, and she went straight to bed. It was like 1 in the morning. I was so annoyed that I had let her stay at my house that night, so much that I couldn't sleep all night. I thought I was losing my mind at the irony of letting this woman sleep here when she told me the night before that we shouldn't talk to each other any more. I woke her up at 5 in the morning by slamming the door of the bedroom she was sleeping in. She went outside to have a cigarette. I think she was still drunk too from the night before (she usually never gets this drunk from what I've seen). Something snapped. I couldn't control myself-I told her she needed to leave NOW. She told me she was still drunk, and that she needed a few more hours to sleep and then she'd leave. I believed that she was still drunk cause it had only been 4 hours, but i didn't care and wanted her out. I was kind of afraid of myself. She took a step back into my house. I got really angry and I wanted to show her, so I punched a hole in the wall, broke the glass window on the door, and broke a lamp. She took a step out of the house, but I pushed her a bit. She screamed why don't you just take it out on me!? I was so angry, but I never hit girls (but I am afraid I was close to it), so instead I threw rocks at her car. I punched her car and dented it. I punched her windshield really hard too and cracked it. She kept begging me to stop and calm down. I really wanted her gone and to stop trying to rationalize with me because I was way past the point of rationality, so I pretended to call the cops and she jumped in her car and sped off. She called me a half hour later, because she forgot to get her laptop that she brought into the house. I told her it wasn't there, but I knew that it was. I allowed her to come back in to look for it, but only if she gave me a check for 100$. She was resistent, but she really wanted her comp back. I had hid it, but she found it. 5 mintues later, after she left, I wanted to screw with her one more time because I was so crazy mad, so I called her and told her to come back and I'd rip the check up if she gave me back a small thing I'd forgotten to get out of her car. She came back, and she wasn't watching close, cause I ripped up a blank check of my own instead of the one she'd written to me, and she didn't notice. Later that day, I cashed the check she'd written. I was pissed at her for 2 weeks and depressed over everything. The night after this happened (the night of all of this stuff that happened in the early morning), I had what I now realize was a psychotic breakdown I think because of all the medication I took earlier and because of the lack of sleep I'd had for almost 3 days straight. And I called her because I thought she had broken into my house hours after she left, and threatend to report it to the cops (impossible because she was hundreds of miles away by the time I thought this happened. She told me she has proof-gas receipts, and cell phone records, plus witnesses 600 miles away who saw her the day and time I thought she did this.)Later, I realized that I had locked myself out of my own house, and I am the one that took the screen off the window and opened the window to let myself back in, but when I was going psychotic, I really wanted to belive she was out to get revenge on me. These drugs really had an effect on me and the stress of our fight was made worse I think because of it, on me. She never called me once after all of this went down. I tried to get in touch with her a few weeks after this because i wanted to say sorry. Eventually she did get back to me, and she said sorry too for the mistakes she made. I always liked this girl, and when we were FWBs the sex was so good. I am lonely in my life right now anyways, and now this is one more person I don't want to lose, so I apologized, and I even admitted I can sometimes be abusive to her. We talk now, but I usually have to be the one to call her. She never calls me first. Sometimes she doesn't call me back, but she used to always before this stuff happened between us. There are other people that I am friends with. Not many people have seen me lose it like this, because I usually am not so messed up on drugs like the sleeping meds and so sleep deprived and stressed, plus this girl often seems to effect me to an either really good point, or I get extremely angry and annoyed at her. I've had problems in my life. I am still trying to learn to be happy and be sober, because I used to be a major drug addict. I think I am very emotionally behind. I'm in my mid twenties, but I feel like a teenager. I even told her this once. I think she and I can be friends from a distance at least. I have to admit that sometimes I want to have her back and be near her again. I want to try to travel with her again sometimes, and sometimes of course, I really want to have sex with her again. If anything, though, I just don't want to lose her completely. I called her the other day, and I asked her if she might want to go on a trip with me in a few months. I don't think she does at all, and most of me understands why exactly. I sometimes dont' think she wants me to call, but I want to help her be a happier person so that I can be more inspired too. If i can help her change her faults, maybe I can then change the same ones that I have in myself that we share. I told her this, but she didn't say anything. Do you think I have a chance to get her closer in my life again? How? There are a few other women in my life I'm attracted to, even one I sometimes think i'm in love with. We just talk on the phone though cause she lives far away from me and she has a boyfriend now, and there's this other girl too I sometimes think about. sometimes I wonder if I should just try with someone I don't think will effect me so much, but it's hard to get close to people when I have the past I have. Plus, I was abused too when I was young, so I think that effets me now...But,when my FWB and I were apart for a long time, I tried sex with a couple other women, but it didn't feel the same as with her. It actually made me very depressed. My fwb has seen the entire spectrum of my emotions. She could handle it until this last time when I had what I think was a psychotic break because of the drugs and stress. I just don't want to give up the good times we had in the past, or her support. Sometimes I want her to know me when I'm not so effected by drugs or alcohol, but I haven't completely gotten to that point yet because obviously I still relapse, and I don't want to lose her by the time I've gotten there. Man, this is long. Help me understand what to do if you can. I don't want to lose her completely. Thanks for reading.

View related questions: depressed, drugs, drunk, has a boyfriend, revenge, she has a boyfriend, sleeping pills, the pill

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