A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've met a woman an hour away from me, we have many things in common and I'd like to think we've got great chemistry. Fast forward 7 weeks and we are exclusive, sleeping together and spending sat/SundaysThe problem is I have almost turned mushy or wussy by being too open about my emotions, my past, and what I like about her since I'm so into her. She's said some sweet things also, but has made mention that she finds it tough to connect with people since she was hurt very badly so she will follow "my lead"...I feel embarrassed and worried that I may be putting myself into the friend zone since I'm being "nice". How do I balance the challenging hot guy routine with my real personality that wants to sweep her off her feet? how do I recover from showing her I was slightly jealous about her hanging with her guys friends?( she hangs with many of them in her town, I don't see her as much as them) How do I start not wanting to impress her?I like her a lot and don't want to push her away by being too much..not sure how to chill and just enjoy the moment...I always rush in when I feel a special connection, help!When it comes to jealousy I know it's something I can work on, but I'm not a crazy possessive jealous guy, and I trust my woman. I just wasn't so comfortable knowing I see her one a week and there's dudes always hanging out with her, it's the guys I don't trustI just don't want to lose this one, and am mad at myself for being a little insecure and too open about my emotions since I know the man is supposed to be mysterious, and a man,..,I'm kinda girlie sometimes and don't know how to change thatMaybe I'm needy from my messed up childhood... not sure how to just relax, and care less while making her more into me ( it should be balanced right? Not pursuer vs pursuee?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I had this same experience, but from the woman's perspective. I met a man who was really into me right away and really showed his emotions and wore his heart on his sleeve. I had been hurt and was hesitant, but he helped me to open up and trust him. He then over time tried to modify his behavior to be more "man-like" and it hurt our relationship.
I say, act how you feel. If it is meant to be, it will be. Don't try to change your behavior because you are worried about how you look. Even if she seems not as into it - she may just have a harder time showing it and trusting you.
Just my two cents.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/early-days-dating-her-but-i-think-ive.html
So sorry didn't see your reply from the first time you posted this.
First and foremost you have to trust your woman when she hangs out with her guy friends. She has to be the one to shut it down if anyone of them (speaking hypothetically) make a move on her. You don't have to trust the other guys, you're not in a relationship with them. If you're worried, then ask if you could all hang out together as a get to know them basis. That way you can scope them out see if they're after your girl. When you find out they're just friends, then you can keep a lid on the jealousy.
What kind of advice are you looking for? How to man up? Well what exactly is a man? A man doesn't always need to wear this tough exterior and keep everything hidden. Last time I checked, there is no concrete definition as to what a man is.
If you're needy, like to tell women about your feelings (I'm always trying to get my DH to tell me his feelings), then so be it. You CANNOT be someone you're not. It won't work and it's too tiresome of a charade to keep up.
In fact judging from your post, I can tell you right now that you're way over thinking this relationship. It just started and you're wondering how to act. Act how you have been since you met her. That obviously worked because you two are dating!!! Be yourself and don't try to change it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): "I just don't want to lose this one, and am mad at myself for being a little insecure and too open about my emotions since I know the man is supposed to be mysterious, and a man,..,I'm kinda girlie sometimes and don't know how to change that"
Your openness has nothing to do with how a man should or shouldn't "be." Some people - men and women - are very open about their emotions, and may also be very emotional. Other people - both men and women - are more reserved and less in touch with their emotions. it has nothing to do with gender in reality. so if your openness is a problem, it's not because it's "feminine" and you're losing your masculinity. most likely it's because you feel too vulnerable having disclosed too much about yourself while she hasn't made similar disclosures so the relationship feels unbalanced? (i'm just saying, don't complicate your problems by adding onto it the issue of your masculinity and feeling bad about that)
"I just don't want to lose this one, and am mad at myself for being a little insecure and too open about my emotions since I know the man is supposed to be mysterious, and a man,"
No, a man is not supposed to be mysterious to his girlfriend/wife once he's already in a relationship!! Upon first meeting someone, many people prefer to be more reserved (men and women, just depends on personality). But once in a relationship it's not a good thing to be "mysterious" because that makes your partner not trust you and not feel comfortable around you.
many women would love for their boyfriends to be open about their emotions and in touch with their emotions, so you actually have a positive trait. As for being afraid this will put you into the friend zone - are you two already exclusive and official in a relationship? Once you're in a relationship, you shouldn't play games anymore you should be honest and direct and just be yourself. If you're worried that she will reject you if you're yourself, then this relationship isn't worth keeping (because what else are you going to do, fake your personality forever?)
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A
male
reader, Pontoon  +, writes (28 December 2012):
You are needy. Don't worry, you are not the only one, and I speak from experience - I used to be the same way.
I am a hopeless romantic and I am open with my emotions as well, but that is not being needy. In fact being open can be a sign of strength. The difference from needy comes from within. I learned from my own therapy that many issues from childhood carry themselves into adulthood. You learned to deal with situations in childhood as best you could - as a child. And they worked - in the context of a child. Now you are an adult but you still operate subconsciously as a child because your behavioral patterns have not developed further. As an adult, you can take control and change your behavior, something that was not possible for you as a child. The real challenge is whether you want to take the first step to get therapy. It is not an easy process, but it is worth it and it will definitely change your life in all the areas which you are saying you wish you could change. Find a psychologist and talk to them, they will take you through the process and unravel everything and show you how it relates to your current issues.
I stress the therapy because you mentioned you had childhood issues. If you do this, you will (as a previous contributor said) be comfortable in your own skin and you will be amazed at how much self-confidence you gain. Then all the questions you have about this woman you are interested in will either cease to be relevant or you will know the answers and how to proceed.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 December 2012):
 One thing I notice about guys is that they don't go both ways. You are either a caveman or a hopeless romantic. There are guys who are more balanced. A caveman drinks beer, hang out with guys watching sports or play video games. A hopeless romantic likes to cuddle, wears his heart on his sleeve. An experienced woman will accept you as you are, as show knows that changing you will make you unauthentic. I think like a man. I am never chatty. I like to get things done and I am visual. I don't believe in waiting for sex. There is no point in talking when you can just do it and get it over with. I know that the average guy likes a barbie doll laughing at jokes, lets the guy do everything and starting very sentence with "I feel . . ." saying sweet things like "I can just totally be myself with you . . ." That's not my style. If I change myself in order to win a guy's heart I would deep down get so angry because the guy doesn't like the real me. A man who likes my personality will work best with me. I happen to like men who think like me too. Everyone has different preferences so if a woman does not like your personality it does not mean you are a failure, it just means you need a woman who appreciates your strengths and accepts your weaknesses. It's not really about what you say or not say. A sensitive person can sense your vibe. Being a man does not mean an absence of emotions. It means being aware of your emotions and being able to handle them.
To stop being insecure you have to be comfortable in your own skin. You were fine before meeting her. In the case you lost her you will be fine too.
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