A
female
age
,
* K
writes:Dear CupidI have met a man who I have fallen in love with - and to use an over used cliche, I have never felt like this before. I do not love him, I don't know him well enough for that - but I feel that I could and I want to. I want to show him how to love again, and for him to show me the same. Problem is, his wife left him a few years ago and he is not over it yet, and as well as that, he suffers from depression. We'll see eachother one day and he will be affectionate and open, then next time we see eachother, he will be closed off, with a look in his eyes as if he's scared out of his wits. I can't explain in just a paragraph why he is worth waiting for, just believe me he is. What can I say or do to get him to trust me? I realise I have to get on with my life while I'm waiting to see what happens with him, it's just so hard to do. Please help me?! C K Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Hi. He might seem rather Heathcliffesque but if that is the case, then you really don't want to find yourself playing the role of an Isabella!
You can't teach him to love again. He doesn't want to be taught because he is already quite busy and believe it or not, quite 'happy' loving someone else. And given that fact it is unrealistic to look to him to teach you how to love again.
Trying to redirect his love toward yourself might not happen and even if it did, it might not be as you imagine. Many people who suffer from depression, internalize love and it is not always readily apparent to the person it is aimed at!
So don't expect too much from him if you decide to stick around. You have only had his 'take' on his marriage and the breakdown and that's not always very useful. So if you expect him to suddenly fall for you and morph into this wonderful guy he's told you about, bare in mind it might not happen. He more than likely won't change much now.
You mentioned being unable to get on with your life but DO TRY. Fusion with him and his problems to the point that you can't get on with life, will not be healthy for you. This guy needs way more time or you run the risk of entering a codependent, rebound relationship. So try and extricate yourself a little because your well being is just as important as his.
His illness is something you can not cure. If it is possible, try and find out how long he has suffered from depression and if he has any other disorders such as paranoia. And try to discover how much contact he still has with his ex. Continuing contact or snooping on her online will keep him in a state of emotional flux which won't be helpful to him. He might have suffered from depression for many years and it could have been a contributing factor in his marriage breakdown. He might be telling tell you how much he loved her blah, blah. But then forget to mention that he spent every night glued to the Internet or TV, had no sex drive and barely spoke to her! So be aware, after the 'honeymoon' period is over that might be all you get from him too.
As already suggested it might be better to be friends with him for now and see how things unfold. You can't rush him into anything and you shouldn't try. Any relationship with him will definitely move at his pace or not at all. Good luck.
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 C.K. I do not think that you can advance the process any faster than it should be, except to show that you "stand by the man" if you truly believe all is worth it. Be there when appropriate, but do not be intrusive.
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