A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is terrible because I know I should be happy for my health but my mental health suffers. So Nearly 35 haven't had sex in 12 years had bad experiences with girls when younger I tried just flings but felt bad if they started to like me more so ended it. Took a break from girls to focus on some career and to help family. Every now and then I would try to date women but I'd fail then had more family drama lost my job. Quickly got another job in similar field then again helped family out with looking after my nephew for 5 years. Got made redundant back to another job and then back in my original job only to realise its getting me no where in life.So here I am 35 lack of partner experience, lack of actual life experience and lack of purpose in life direction.. I know now what I should of been doing to get my life somewhat on track but I'm 15 years behind what can I achieve now if I tried
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2022): In my view, life isn't about achievements, it's about experiences. The finish point doesn't matter, its about the ride. You are still young, there is time to meet someone. There is time to try a different career path. Don't dwell on what's happened, look forward...
Get dating, start looking for a different job if that's what you want. In the meantime, enjoy yourself, spend time with family and friends and try new activities.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2022): A lot of precious time and energy is wasted on should-have, could-have, would-haves. Life doesn't always workout according to our plans, wishes, or schedules. It's unnecessary to sit and punish yourself for not achieving greatness over a presumed time period. Like life just falls into place, just because you planned it that way. Surely, some people achieve their goals by such-or-such a time; but not without serious sacrifices, or some regretted losses. It's a matter of priorities, and commitment to your goals; but the unforeseen and unpredictable in life occur, and can throw you off-course. You don't give-up because of setbacks. You simply reset, recalibrate, and set a new course.
The only people who should be beating themselves up, are people who have irresponsibly wasted time partying; feeding their addictions and bad-habits, chronic procrastinators, or living a life of crime. Those are setbacks that could have been avoided. Bad-choices, laziness, and selfishness are things you punish yourself over; then you put them behind you, and start from that point. Some people suffer from undiagnosed ADHD; and never finish what they start. It's never too late to wipe the slate clean; and do what's reasonable and practical for where you stand at life at this point. Count your blessings, don't be ungrateful.
We've all been conditioned and programmed to believe you have to achieve everything by a certain age, or you're a failure. You are only a failure when you've thrown your life away just doing things that have no purpose, taking advantage of others, or using all your time plotting evil schemes and scams. If you've done anything outside yourself to the benefit of others; humbly consider that a successful achievement. You were a benefit or blessing to someone, or others; and that in itself is a great achievement that is often under-appreciated by society, because we all seek glory and wealth as what we consider as the only true definition of success.
Were you ever a burden on anyone? Did you ruin anybody's life? Have you served time in a prison? Do you belong to a hate group? Do you believe in God? Would you help others during a natural disaster? Can your family rely on you in a family-crisis or when disaster strikes? If you had a good-woman, would you be good to her? These are the things life throws at you, and if you have positive answers for these questions; you are far from a loser or underachiever. My friend, good character and a strong sense of compassion goes a long way. Sometimes the things we wish we had done never happen; fate, time, and destiny sometimes conflict with our plans and dreams. Your abilities, skills, and capabilities determine what you will succeed at. Sometimes your dreams are bigger than your actual abilities.
You can't see into the future, and you can't really be sure that you would have achieved success by the time or means you may have wanted to.
You can't lament over stuff that never happened; and you can't know with certainty those things ever would have occurred.
Most people just feed into their anxieties, and turn them into hobbies; because they worry about things that have never happened, or may never happen; and hence, they've wasted a huge amount of time comparing their lives to the lives of other people. Stewing in their envy, because they think other people they know have it better, or are more successful than they are. You don't know their deepest darkest-secrets, you know only what you see!
Let me tell you. Psychiatrists and therapists make tons of money exploiting our human weaknesses. Self-inflicted anxiety that gets out of hand. Most of which we could cure ourselves; but we give-in to social hype, and wallow in self-pity. They just listen to us whine, and get rich; until we get sick of hearing ourselves moan and groan in self-pity. Then suddenly there's a break-through! Not because of what their treatment did; but we finally decide to grew-up, and face the realities of life. Sometimes therapists simply get paid for keeping us company; and being a well-paid baby-sitter. Of course, the majority of patients under treatment need the professional help; but a lot depends on their commitment, and determination to get better. They are motivated because they are tired of being held hostage to their fears and worries that they have no power to control; because life isn't always under our control.
You can set some reasonable goals for yourself. You live life a day at a time. Don't compare your life to that of others, because envy has a way of eating at your self-esteem and exaggerating how bad things really are. Survival is also a form of success. Beating the odds. You could have spent a lot of your youth in prison, you could have developed a physical-disability, or incurred a crippling injury that would have stopped you from getting as far as you already have. Your life is more normal than you think. You can't judge your life by the achievements of other people; because you don't always know what they hide about themselves they don't want anyone to know, to protect their image of having it all. Nobody is 100% happy, and the most successful wealthy beautiful-people still suffer from depression, and some even harm themselves...or worse.
Measure your success by how you are able to survive on your own, without needing someone else to prop you up. Being self-sufficient and adaptable. Date ladies without worrying about how long it will last; and relax about what your anxieties try to tell you "they must be thinking." Sometimes you're just dating short-term, all romantic-connections don't result in a relationship. If you overdo the phony romantic stuff, or you're too pushy; that is a turnoff, or annoyance. Don't set the cart before the horse; let things happen in natural progression. Not according to your projected time-schedules and predictions. Don't over-like a woman out of horniness and desperation. You are old enough to control yourself.
You have no right to use a female just to satisfy your male-urges, then dispose of her. A scorned-female will be sure to worn the next one, and word gets out about tools like that. Turning to prostitutes, because you've given-up on yourself, is pathetic and beneath yourself. It's nasty, and a risk to your health. Just in case this was ever a plan. Don't gamble your money on which STD you could win!
You can't project your own misgivings and self-loathing onto other people. Assuming they are judging you or don't like you; because you've decided you're some kind of failure. Just because you didn't achieve some things you "perceive" would have made you further on in life, or more successful than you are. Everyone doesn't have the same destiny in life, everyone will not make the same level of achievement; and God has designed it so everyone gets blessed. Even evil-people can be successful and be blessed; but what's going on for others is not for you to hate your own life over. You make the best of what you've got. You must be grateful and thankful for the smallest of blessings. You've got approximately 40 to 50 more years of life. Start from here. Now that you have experience and maturity, you can set practical goals and plans.
Talk to a female you trust, definitely not a co-worker, and ask her what she sees in you that you should work on. Ask relatives to fix you up with dates. Ask your buddies to fix you up with single-friends of their girlfriends. Ask your closest male-friend what he thinks turns women off about you. He could give you some of his pointers that make him more appealing to women. It's not always your appearance, but your behavior that can turn women off. Being overly anxious, and lacking any evidence of confidence. Being creepy, and having bad hygiene. Having absolutely no sense of style. Keeping a messy home, that they would feel disgusted when visiting. Being too nervous in their presence; like you've never been around a woman before. You're over 30, women are still women. Not goddesses or space aliens! They just don't take a lot of the mess from men that they used to. Relax and like yourself for who you are. It starts there first, and it changes the vibes you give-off. Practice being at-ease around women. You don't have to be super romantic, just normally romantic is enough. Increase it a tad, from time to time; without going overboard.
If you believe in God. Revisit faith, worship, and prayer. You need a faith, and spiritual-belief system to feed your hungry and weary soul. Life is tough, people can be cruel, and there is more to you than just your flesh and bones. You have a mind, body, and soul. Your soul sometimes needs nourishment and refreshment. You can ignore this part, if you don't believe in God, and feel this is all nonsense. If you do believe, then make it more of a part of your life; and you may see things differently, and you will develop an added sense of hope and purpose.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2022): What you have experienced is common. I remember when I was around 22 I stopped dating voluntarily for more than 3 years. I don't know why maybe it is part of the growing up process. You are still young you have many many years ahead of you to compensate for lost years. As Honeypie advises make a plan for your future and meanwhile enrich your life by taking up a hobby, learning, joining a group, and developing your personality in general. Life is how you look at it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 October 2022):
 I think you are presuming that IF you had done X,Y,Z 15 years ago you would now be at point D, and you feel you are still at point B - however, it's impossible to really know if you would have made it to point D if things had gone differently.
You are having some moments of regret and "fantastical thinking". And what does that DO for YOU? It makes you feel worse.
Sit down with yourself and make a plan.
Where would you like to be in 5 years?
How can you get there?
What do YOU need to do to achieve these goals?
ARE they realistic?
You ask: "what can I achieve now if I tried?"
A lot more than you would if you do nothing and keep living in your own pity-party world.
My mom went back part-time to uni in her 50's. If she hadn't gotten sick she would have finished the doctorate she always wanted. She was proud of it.
A friend of ours was a teacher for 25 years, she has now changed careers and is SO much happier. I'm sure it was scary to leave a steady job and try something different but she made a plan and went for it.
There are no RULES set in stone that you have to achieve "this or that" before age X. (Unless we talk women and our fertility).
Having had a lot of partners doesn't make you a BETTER partner. So no, you are not "missing out" on partner experience by not having dated much in 15 years. You might have missed out on meeting a potential GREAT long-term partner or spouse but there isn't just ONE out there for each of us. There will be another who can be a great fit.
Don't give up on yourself. And stop beating yourself up for things you CAN NOT change about your life.
Maybe make yourself YOUR priority for a while and your family needs to pick up their OWN slack. If your nephew still needs YOU, then keep being there for him and be that unit of 2 until you CAN find a woman who can be part of that unit.
Don't do casual sex and relationships, they ADD nothing to your life (other than potential STI's)
Let the past go, and focus on the here and now. Set some goals and go for them.
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