A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My sister-in-law's mother is a control freak. She has all of my sister-in-law's friends numbers, all of my brother's friends phone number, and their neighbor's phone number. She claims that she needs it just in case there is something wrong, she can track down my brother and sister-in-law. The other day at my brother and sister-in-law's house, she asked for me to give her all of my friend's phone numbers and my neighbor's phone number. I politely told her no and when she asked why, I said "You don't need their phone numbers and my own parents don't have them or need them. I'm 37 years old, not 13 years old". Now she is upset and nagging my sister-in-law and brother about convincing me to give her my friend's phone number and my neighbor's phone number. I don't want to for several reasons. I don't feel comfortable giving out people's number without their permission for starters. I also don't trust her to leave my friends alone. Am I wrong for refusing to give her the numbers? Am I wrong for thinking it's crazy for her to half my sister-in-law and brother's friends phone number when they are all adults? Any advice on how to handle this situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2022): What the hell?! She is crazy. You are absolutely right to refuse. You should never give away someone else's phone number without their permission. Say no and keep insisting.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2022):
 WiseOwlE,
it's not OP's mom. It's his brother's wife's mom who wants the phone numbers... which makes it even more nuts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2022): There was absolutely no reason for you to have to write a post about giving-out personal contact-information on other people, without their permission. With or without permission, your mother doesn't need it. She can always call 911. It's a test to see who is controllable, and who is not, among her offspring. She has an issue with control, and she also wants to keep track of everyone to micromanage your lives; while also getting the inside skinny on everyone you associate with. Which is none of her business.
Why do you feel the need to write for advice on something you are so obviously intelligent and mature enough to know?
You correctly expressed the fact that your are 37, not 13. That is sufficient. Our parents deserve our love, honor, and respect. As long as they are not violent, or abusive. They deserve respectful opposition, when their demands are wrong and unreasonable. From time to time, they also need to be corrected; and reminded that we are no longer little children who have to oblige their every whim or command. If she is the type who stubbornly closes her ears when spoken to, or accuses you of being disrespectful by gaslighting and guilt-tripping; you can neutralize it with reminding her how much you love her, but wrong is wrong. If she withholds love, because you refuse to do unreasonable things. Ask her does she only love you when you do whatever she demands...even when it's wrong???
Your mother needs too much information that she has no right to; and there is no legal-entitlement to it. It's at your discretion to provide it, with the owner's permission. If she can't take "no" for an answer, and is pressuring and harassing your other brothers and sisters; that is to get them to gang-up on you. It's also a tactic to turn them against you by choosing sides, in order force you to comply. It won't stop at this particular situation either. In any case, you'd still be handing-out information you have no right to disclose. Your siblings took it upon themselves to do it. That's their choice, and whatever consequences that come with it. You have every reasonable grounds to not want to, for your own personal reasons. You already know why she wants it, and why she doesn't really need it.
Your mother seems to need a refresher-course in proper parenting of adult-children; and what constitutes unreasonable behavior towards your grown-up children. You can modify her behavior by learning not to automatically give-in to doing things you know are unreasonable, or unnecessary. Develop the strength to say "no," and stand by it without guilt or fear. If she truly loves you, she wouldn't have the heart to deny it. She'd get-over her hurt feelings, and move on about it.
Overbearing-people, or bullies, use pressure and intimidation to have their way; but give-up (or lighten-up) when they run into a sufficient amount of resistance. If she holds it against you for not doing it, and tests your love by how much you allow her to control you; then she needs to pray on it, or go see a therapist for a psychological-evaluation to test for possible narcissism and/or borderline personality disorder.
Mentally-healthy people rationally, and compliantly, observe boundaries. They are not that aggressive and domineering. Parents sometimes push their authority to the limit; but it only works on adult-children who have been ruled under bullying, threats, and oppression. They also use tactics like dangling the purse strings, threatening to leave you out of their will, or disowning you. If these kinds of conditions are set in order to win your love; they don't really know what love is. They've forfeited loving their children in exchange for having lifelong-control over them. Not good on any level! People who have lived under these kinds of psychological-conditions; usually suffer from depression, anxiety disorder, abandonment issues, daddy/mommy issues, and a host of other psychological and emotional disorders.
Stand your ground, but always love and respect her as your mother.
Do not arbitrarily offer other people's personal-information entrusted to you. If they become harassed by your mother for any reason; they should hold you responsible, and should disassociate to avoid the drama. Your family-problems are yours to contend with, not theirs. You own a cell phone and other devices. Your mother has adequate means to contact you when she needs you. It's the 21st-century, and if you can't reach people; that usually means they don't want to hear from you, are predisposed, or have to contact you later. Certain boundaries should be respected, for both moral and legal reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2022): The woman is crazy! You are not wrong at all, it is this person who is out of order and has no sense of boundaries. Stand your ground and if she ,directly or through her daughter, insists, this time be a little less polite and just tell her "Which part of "no " did you not understand ?"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2022): This is crazy. How old is she?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2022):
Jeeez!
NO, absolutely NO you do not OWE that crazy lady, your number, or those of your friends! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL F!!
Stand your ground. Tell your brother that it's ridiculous and they can stop asking. They need to set some boundaries with this crazy MIL.
I also agree with you, that you DO NOT give out other people's numbers without their permission and you CERTAINLY do not give out ANY phone numbers to some loonie toon MIL!
Keep saying no, and that this topic is now CLOSED. You have given your answer NO, and no is a complete sentence. YOU do not OWE an explanation here.
Sounds like she wants her daughter and SIL to be at her beck and call. The whole "it's just in case there is something wrong, she can track down my brother and sister-in-law." sounds like bullshit to me.
If something is wrong and she needs to track them down there are 2 of them. And if neither of them answers, well that is life. She will have to call 911 if she needs help.
Remember back when people didn't have cell phones? Yeah? So does she so she should know that there are times people are just not available.
Urgh, I feel so bad for your brother and SIL.
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