A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend ignores what it takes for me to feel like a woman and to feel confident. We are in a serious relationship for a very long time now, we share finances and it's gotten to the point where he just doesn't think it's necessary for me to get basic stuff for doing my hair or nails, getting clothes or makeup.This is how I was when he met me and played a part on why he liked me. I don't have freedom anymore until it gets out of hand and finally sees some other prettier woman and starts comparing (he thinks it's not obvious) and say "maybe you should do something to your hair". Or get this or that done. He knew how let's say "high maintenance" I was (even though I'm not -at all) and how taking care of myself played a big part in how I am. Now, into the relationship we just "can't afford it" but we can afford expensive everything else. I'm older now, it's not like I am the same girl that he met who could just go out straight from the shower and people won't judge. Our friends and him are older than me and woman do care so much about looks after thirty. I started saying that I don't want to go out anymore. Social life is everything for him, but being well put together is important for me. I don't go out to drink like him, I go out to feel good about myself, and he thinks if I have as much alcohol as I can take I will be happy. Last time we went out I told him I wasn't going to drink because I didn't even want to be there but it was his birthday so I went. His friend brought his new girl and my bf was being too friendly with her, giving her advice on her makeup business that I also did once upon a time when we met and he never gave me advice or even cared. He even got her drinks. I got jealous because I knew it was because she had all the things that he likes, nice hair, makeup done, a cute outfit and feminine overall.Here I was feeling left out completely because "we can't afford it" but we can afford another women's alcohol while her boyfriend doesn't even care to get her anything. Next day he even mentioned I would look pretty with short hair (like the girl), something that I've wanted for a long time since I can't get my hair to look good, can't keep up with it and it's too long. He always says NO haircut because he hates short hair...He always says I can't change my hair.Since he never tells me in advance that we have an event I told him he has to tell me beforehand. He starting making sure everything was so unexpected and then a huge reason why we can't skip this one. I told him I would get another job and I would have less time for him so I can spend on what I want but he's against it and finds plenty of reasons. Today he is pressuring me to go out and he's upset because I told him I'm not going. He says I make a big deal out of nothing because I don't need anything. I've always supported him with what he likes but I don't feel reciprocated. ¿do you think the problems we have can be fixed in any way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2022): Over and over again women make the wrong choices... choosing a bossy, demanding, selfish, childish, mean, nasty boyfriend and then come crying to us about it. What are we supposed to do? Wave a magic wand over him so that he becomes nicer? You need to take responsibility for your actions. He was your choice. You either stick with it or drop him, moaning just wastes time and makes you look silly. You were daft to put your finances together and daft to let him dictate to you so much.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2022): Seems to me you're building a case to breakup with your boyfriend. I suggest you untangle your finances first; should that be your decision in the near future. I hope that doesn't mean you have co-signed credit???
You don't want to let-go, hoping you will somehow find a magical-solution that will change him into the kind of boyfriend you want. That's not likely to happen, so what's Plan-B?
When the cons start to stack higher than the pros; that's an indication you have to make a life-changing decision to save yourself. Holding-on to someone who makes you write a long post of "cons" about them is likely to mess you up in the long run. The mind can't handle frustration and incompatibility, but for so long; before it starts to breakdown under the stress and pressure.
You're treating your relationship like a marriage, when it isn't. You are placing your high-expectations on a person who has proven to you that he will never meet them. Hence, you have a dilemma to resolve; which requires your sense of logic and common sense.
Get your finances in order, which means if you share debt; you had better prepare to figure-out how to preserve your credit-rating if he decides not to pay his share, should things not workout between you. You had better squirrel-away a nest egg to restart your life; and become more financially-independent. If you are depending on his income, you give him some say over your expenses. If he is the budget-conscious one between the two of you; then he is assuming responsibility over the finances. Is he the primary reason the bills are paid on-time?
You have do this step by step. Your income and bank deposits should be accessible only to you. You will have to stop using credit cards with his name on it; and save all your receipts when you make payments on credit debt. You should concentrate on paying off all your debt you owe together. Then get a lawyer to find a way to legally remove your co-signature from shared debt.
You should spend your money as you wish, as long as you pay your share of the bills. If you're financially-dependent on his combined income, you give him say about how the money is spent. He considers your upkeep to be frivolous expenses; I guess it depends on how much you like to spend, and how it effects your overall living expenses. We get your side of it, but not his. How do we know he isn't just being sensible with expenses?
Sit-down together, and make up a budget. Inform him he doesn't get to control how you spend your own money; but you will compromise for the sake of the budget. If you need a part-time job for some extra spending money; then establish with him that money you earn is yours to spend as you choose. Then consider if you still want to maintain a relationship with him, if he has objections about how you spend your own money. You will still need to consult with an attorney; if you've tied yourself up in debt with this man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2022): If you have combined finances then I think you need to agree a personal budget (the same for each of you) that you can both spend on clothes, days out with friends, whatever you want. Decide how much you can afford for this each month. If he wants to spend his share of this budget on alcohol then that's up to him, but your share you can spend on anything you like. Then move this amount from your joint account into your own bank account each month.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2022): He is controlling and this is his way of making sure you don't look too attractive to other men.
He should not have control of your finances. This shows how controlling he is and how dangerous this relationship will be in the future.
Now he is comparing you to other women with the express intention of making you feel insecure.
He is a classically controlling male who is doing everything by the book. He is using all the tactics known to break a woman's spirit and tie you to him forever.
Leave him. Read about controlling people and how they operate. Educate yourself about the kind of man you are involved with and for your health, happiness and sanity, leave him! Now!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2022):
 WHY are you sharing finances?!! you are NOT married.
Why are you letting a BF control you with money like this?
WHY are you with this guy at all?
He sounds like a self-absorbed controlling asshat!!
" He says I make a big deal out of nothing because I don't need anything."
Of course, you don't NEED anything he doesn't WANT you to have!!
He wants YOU to be totally dependent on him. And you seem to be just that. And he wants YOU to feel grateful for any little crumb he gives you. He wants you to think you can't find anyone better than him.
GET A JOB. MOVE OUT (if you live together) DUMP the dude.
Yikes, OP
Just yikes.
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