A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am completely perplexed. I have been dating my boyfriend for going on five months now and I was just starting to fall for him hard though I have not told him I love him. We weren't able to get together this weekend because he spends every other weekend with his child from a previous marriage. Anyways, in saying goodnight I added that I "missed him" which I've said before. I don't know why but that set something off in him. He began telling me that I shouldn't miss him because he doesn't deserve it and asked me to not fall in love with him because that truly scares him and he doesn't want to hurt me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to think anymore. He didn't want to continue talking about the subject but I let him know what I thought. I told him it wasn't fair for him to spring this on me now, I feel he's been leading me on this whole time. I feel used and played. What does this mean? I plan on touching on this subject again soon and can only ponder what is going on with him. I need to know if I'm wasting my time or if I should hang in there. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Hi, it sounds to me that this man of yours comes with a little 'baggage'...which is not surprising given he has had a marriage break up. Chances are he hasn't really processed what happened and what it means for him properly - and is now 'scared' of getting too close in case he disapoints or in case he gets hurt again?
I think you're right to feel upset by his response - you have invested alot of time and emotion into this relationship already. You deserve to know if he sees it as having a 'future' (whatever that might be for you/him) and how he feels about you.
Only you and he can decide whether you are wasting your time. I think it's a good idea to have a discussion with him about this...just make sure you choose an appropriate time (ie: not while you're lying in bed about to sleep)and place (private and face to face best).
If you can - try not to come across as 'angry or hostile' - you don;t want him to feel threatened and shut down - which he might given this is probably a difficult topic for him. Think about what you want to ask him, how to word it - and then give him the time to respond, try to listen without interrupting, then to show him you've heard what he's said restate what you've heard BEFORE adding your thoughts/response. Hopefully this will help you both to be able to discuss the issue without getting too emotional/defensive. I can understand why you feel so used - but if you can, try not to be too accusatory in your language, think about how you can make your point without using such emotive, negative language - that will not be constructive in your communication. The use of "I" statements about how you feel is good....eg: when you said ....I felt......this is linking some behaviour or comment to your feelings...making things more concrete than if you said "you use me and I want to know if I am wasting my time" for example. It gives him something concrete to think about and respond to. Hope some of this helps!
I think you'll know how to 'proceed' with this talk...I think he's not a bad guy...he's just had some experiences that are effecting his relationships now - he needs to deal with the issues though if you guys are to work!
Good luck!
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Although I am much older, I know that I can add some male perspective. He either treasures single life without commitment, as I now do, or he has involvement with another or others. In either case, he is actually being good to you by telling you some truth. That is . . . it has been fun for both but it is not everlasting love (for him). He may not be looking for the same kind of commitment anyway. Remember the good times and move on.
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A
female
reader, men_are_confusing +, writes (7 October 2008):
My friend was going through a similar situation. I think he is just scared of commitment (a lot of men are) and being that the last serious relationship he was in ended in divorce. He either needed you around to help heal some pain and to get over his ex or he really does like you but doesnt want to be "serious" with you. I would just give him some space to think about what he really wants. I wouldnt push myself on him either, if he calls then talk to him, dont just totally ignore him. My friends relationship ended in them going their seperate way. and by the way, i think that was unfair what he did too being that he strung you on for 5 months.
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