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male
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*raig
writes: My partner and i have been together 5 years we have 2 young children and our own home,she was fostered and sexually abused as a child. I love her dearly but we are always constantly argueing over silly things which then erupts into me bringing up some of her past saying she is just like her mother (who she doen`t see)who also neglected her. We are now at a point where she has had enough but i haven`t and still love her but wish to address my demons but i just want her back. She does currently still live in the same house with me and we talk fine but when i ask about us she says we will meke great friends and maybe 2-3 years down the line she may think about this, but that may be too late she may find someone else and completley forget about me. I really love her. many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): 'Monty' is right on the money here, Craig. You need to address your demons. Bringing up past memories of her pain was cruel, because she can't change that pain and heartache, that fate bestowed on her. She's had to live with that abuse and hurtin her mind, every day. It didn't help that you would remind her. I think you know this was wrong and you want to redeem your behaviours. The only way is to look deep within and find out 'why' you felt a need to hurt her, this way. Usually we lash out because we feel inadequate ourselves..so we get defensive and say real stupid things. Arguing in a relationship is normal, but it needs to be done with respect, fairness and dignity to the other person. You didn't do this. Supporting her about her good choices and successes and learning to accept her failures or difficulties, would have been the way to go. So can your relationship survive? Maybe..with a change of attitude on your part and perhaps some counseling. I think you need to look deep in yourself and do some serious reflection of 'why' you continued to treat her in this fashion. When we treat people this way, we kill love..sloowly, over time. Everytime you verbally abused her, you carved a hole in her heart. This could be where she's at now, Craig. Learn from this and please take ownership of what you did. Perhaps, in time..she will find forgiveness. If she does, she's 'bigger person' than most of us would be. Take care and good luck.
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female
reader, monty +, writes (22 February 2006):
craig, The fact that you used personal insults against your partner when arguing about trivial things would have been extremely hurtful. Even if you apologised for doing this and were forgiven, the sore spot is still there. I think the main problem is that you have eroded the trust that was between you and your partner; because you were in a close relationship you were a positon of trust, therfore having the ability to hurt her more than anyone, and you did repeatedly, by the sounds of it. I think being friends is a great way to rebuild the trust and all you can do is during this time work on improving yourself and your respect for you partner, so you can progress in the relationship as fast as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Don't worry about her finding someone else and moving on. That is less likely to happen considering you guys had such a beautiful past together. She's hurt and she needs time to clear her mind. I'm sure she must feeling she deserves a better deal in life, especially after all that she had to go through. Give her space. Constantly remind her you are still there for her and that your feeling for her have never been stronger... but, don't smother her. When I feel like I've had enough, I just want to be left alone. More often than not, I come around. Good Luck.
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