A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been in a relationship for the past 8 months with someone that makes me very happy. However he has a step-child from a past relationship that he is very close to as treats as his own daughter and Ive never been with someone who has a kid and Im not sure how to deal with the situation.I know this sounds terrible but im struggling to feel any connection with the child. Shes only 4 and is a lovely little girl but I dont see her as anything to do with me. He looks after her every week and rings me up to tell me what shes doing and I fake an interest for his sake but (I know this sounds terrible) but it really does not interest me - i love hearing my what nieces are up to but Im really not bothered about his step daughter. He invites me to spend time with them both and I will make the effort but I dont actually enjoy it and spend the whole time feeling guilty that I dont see the child as an important part of my life, it really wouldnt bother me if I never saw her again. Why do I feel like this? I feel such a horrible and vile person.It sounds immature but Im jealous of the relationship he has with her. We've talked about having kids ourselves but it makes me sad that hes already experienced being a dad with someone elses child. Most of the exciting first time experiences I'll have as a parent he will already have experienced and he wont have the happy first time parent feelings that I will because it will be his second kid. And hes also said that if he has a kid he wants his step daughter to be raised as a sibling to his kids - I understand why he wants that but if Im not close to his step daughter, will I want my child being told the step daughter is their sibling and raising them together as equals? If i dont feel a connection to the step daughter I wont be able to treat her as my own child so i know i will treat her differently to my own kids which my partner said he wouldnt want to happen.i really dont know how to deal with these feelings and im scared to tell my partner because before we got together he told me his step daughter will always come before any partner - im not asking him to choose between us but I know that he will always pick her over me and wont be with someone that cant accept he relationship with her so am worried if I tell him how I feel about her he will think that he has to choose. I do accept their relationship as im closer to my step dad than my real dad. I just dont know how to deal with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): I think what your boyfriend is doing is something very special and much needed in the world, he loves because he simply does,not because of the human belief that 'only' THE BLOOD LINE IS OF IMPORTANCE.It does not mean that you are a bad person because you feel no love for her. We are all different in that respect, some can open their heart to the worlds children and give all their love, while others are locked in their own world. Could you step outside 'your' feelings, and try and see how special this relationship is for the 'spirit' of the child who he is helping to grow in a world that is already so dissconnected from love. Could you be another strong link to that child growing up with love THAT SHE CAN REMEMBER AND PASS ON to other children in her future. What we adults 'do now' makes a difference to the future generations of children, by taking care of who have been unloved,abandoned, hurt, and abused. You may need to reconsider your relationship with your partner or reconsider where you are in yourself. Never feel bad or guilty if this is not a role you want to play, but don't try and change a 'special love' that this child deserves and needs.Congratulations to a man who understands that blood is not always thicker than water. 'Separateness' creates wars and only has enough room for small love.Universal love, helps heal the world and shows that we are all connected by love regardless of blood.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (27 May 2013):
Don't dump him over this. It's pretty normal to feel this way but there are books that can help. My sister in law felt the same way and she's now more into her step daughter.
One thing you shouldn't do is nothing. Don't stay with him and pretend. Either break up with him or work on changing the way you feel.
The three of you, especially her, deserve it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Can’t handle the heat? Step out of the kitchen!
Some people have a lot of love in their heart; they’re self-sacrificing…
The rest have either limits and or believe that charity/kindness begins at home… ME FIRST!
There’s no need to say which one is you.
He’ll have his first experience when the time comes; hopefully with someone as loving and caring as he is!?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): You need to move on and find someone who doesn't have kids already or anything similar. I know it sounds extreme but I've been on the other end (having step-parents on both side who have no interest and are resentful) and it's hurt me a lot over the years. It's really not fair on her.
You can't force something like that so if you can't bond with her naturally and she's such an important part of his life then it's probably not meant to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): I wish this post was coming from your boyfriend. I might advise him to move on, and to give you up. How could you feel jealous over his wonderful relationship with an innocent child? You know how loving a father this man would be; if your relationship should progress to a possible marriage.I'm so tempted to recommend that you be on your way, because you can't open your heart to this child. She happens to be a very important part of his life. She loves him like her dad. She's only 4 and she doesn't know any better. She's too young not to accept you.Chances are, her biological father is absent in her life; and your boyfriend is the only father-figure she has.What's even worse; you fake liking her. I sense your indifference is forced. You don't want to let her in, because it's hard to share his affection. You want him all to yourself. I do understand how you feel. I really do. The relationship is in its infancy, and you need time to get to know each other. The fewer distractions the better. Children require a lot of attention.You're honest here in your post; I just wish you could be honest with him. If only to tell him the child is just a little unexpected, and you need time to adjust. It shouldn't be forced upon you; in all fairness. It's quite a lap-full! Pardon my pun!You're not a bad person for not feeling anything for the child. It's the fact you have been dishonest about it. Children have a built-in instinct, and they can sense people who don't like them. If you love your boyfriend, your heart should be open to the things he loves as well.At least you could try. He couldn't just abandon that child, if she has formed an attachment. I know you understand this, under it all.Is it the child, or her mother you resent? Maybe it just goes deeper. His connection to his ex? That's what the child represents to you subconsciously. As long as the child is around, there is a connection and access to her mother. H-m-m-m?!When you don't like something and it doesn't go away, you will subconsciously find ways to reject it. To block it out. That's a normal emotional response. However; it's a conscious response. It can be changed or modified.You will not be able to subdue nor hide your indifference to this child. You will become irritated, and it will soon be too much to internalize. That is the danger behind faking it. If she makes you angry or you have a disagreement with your boyfriend, it's no telling how you will respond toward the child. You can only keep up a facade for so long, before it breaks down. He will eventually see through you. You'll change expression, and your body language will expose your discomfort when she's around. Your mood will change. This is all involuntary, so you can't fake it all! It's all so condescending toward them both. Don't you think?No one can force you to like the child. I am not attacking you about your true feelings toward her. I just think you are selfish and have a jealous nature. That is a slow poison. It will slowly infect your relationship, and it will eventually kill it. Take note!You are refusing to allow your heart to be open to allow a little girl to share a generous and kind hearted man; who treats her like his own child. He brings the two girls he loves together, to share his time and good spirit. You aren't vile and all those horrid adjectives you used. I think you're selfish. You feel motherhood is being forced upon you. You don't have to pretend. Just be kind to the child as you would any child you hardly know. Just don't be jaded and let resentment rule your feelings toward her.It is early in the relationship and all things take time.This was sprung on you, and you haven't had a chance to adjust to the idea. You may never love the child; but I think with a little effort, you can get used to having her around. This sweet little angel may just grow on you. It has only been a few months. Come on. Give it a try. Don't fake it. Just let down your defenses. You're putting up a wall to keep her out. That's all. My suspicion is you're afraid to like her. That would give your boyfriend your approval to be around her mom, and he will make them too much a part of your life together. In this case, you feel he has the choice to just discard them;and move on to start a new life with you. I know this is all pure speculation on my part; but I tend to read between the lines. Sometimes the devil is in the details.You shouldn't be forced to be a part of a make-believe family that isn't one you created for yourself. Ready-made families are even harder when divorcee's remarry. So you're not alone.Sit down and have a talk. Be honest about it. Ask him to give you the time you need, and not to feel badly toward you for your true feelings. A guy like you have would have the understanding it takes to make things work out.Don't beat yourself up. I hope my words are only thought-provoking. They are not meant to hurt your feelings, or to be judgmental. I have to offer an objective opinion, in order to make you dig deeper inside yourself for your own answers. That is where the real truth lies. If you were a monster, he wouldn't have fallen for you.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 having a man very close to a kid who is not even his, means that he will be even closer to the his own biological children, this is a man you do not want to lose.think out of the box with me okay, your boyfriend shows interest in what his step daughter is doing to you, so you feel that she is taking the the spot lights that you feel that only you deserve, so when she is around, all what you are thinking is how much your boyfriend i loving what she is dong rather than what you are doing right!you are no devil, your a human being, if you do not feel jealousy and selfishness in your love you are not normal!now out of the box we can look through our bf's daughter eyes, she look at you the same way, and he probably talks a lot about you when you are far, telling her how much he is eager to have sisters and brothers to her.having a kid of his own is a first experience, knowing you pregnant from him is a first experience, shopping for your new kids cloth is a new experience, planning his life and schools is a new experience, you yourself is a new experience and you can make many new first experiences to enjoy togetheras for the girl, try to steel the spot lights from her dad (your boy friend) take her out, get her treats, make her love you more than she loves him, make it a challenge and she will grow on you eventually.she is no competition, she is test that results with a passing grade for your man in the coarse of fatherhoodbest wishes
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (26 May 2013):
 Pressed send too soon. Why don't you join them next time and try to get to know her a little bit? Maybe then you won't see her as a threat to your relationship. You know how he feels about her so I'd you try to make him choose between you he'll choose her. As he should, because she is totally innocent in all this.
Also, yes, he may have experienced "firsts" of important milestones but he hasn't experienced it with his biological child. Therefore, it may be just a little more meaningful if he had his "own" child, but it's not a competition. The fact that he sees another man's child as his own and is involved in her life is admirable and I can only see it as a positive thing.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (26 May 2013):
You need to focus on the positive in this situation. This man is going to make an amazing father if you stay together and have children with him. Why? Because he is taking an active party in raising a child that isn't his even after the relationship has ended. That little girl is very lucky because many kids get dropped when their parents and stepparents split and some have to deal with one new stepparent after the other. If he is going to stay involved in her life (which would be very nice) then you need to accept that and deal with it. You admit to feeling jealous of their relationship so it's understandable that you feel resentful of his time with her. However, he has invited you to join them. It's not like he's ever excluded you. You chose to stay away and not get to know her. You say she's lovely. She could just as easily have been an evil brat- at least you don't have to deal with rudeness or tantrums. Why don't you join then
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Darling, your such an evil step mother to be. Joking.Honestly, what your feeling is just normal. You fear that the child is like a tie of a deep connection of your bf and the mother's child, i guess. Because of this, you don't like her, maybe.Now my question is, do you plan marrying your bf? if you do then you have to learn how to accept your step daughter as a part of your life. You don't have to like or love her outright, but little by little. if that's how you see your relationship with your bf will go. (being married to him)because if you really love someone, you have to embrace all the good and bad things about the person, Accept people part of his life.You have the same situation with the child, so therefore, if there's anyone who could understand the child and your bf its you.If your bf is a type of guy really worth keeping for, try to like the kid. Maybe you just need time to get to know her.Who knows you might find a new best friend in her. I myself love to talk with these little people.their more sincere and fun to talk with. I know you love your niece, just maybe don't think that the child is connected with your bf, for once, and treat the child as someone whom you will babysit. That way you can have the time to get to know her than making your self busy how you dislike the child's relationship with your bf. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): "- im not asking him to choose between us but I know that he will always pick her over me"
You may not be asking him to choose between you and the kid, but even if you don't ask him you will still ultimately force him to make a choice because you won't be able to hide your lack of interest in her from him forever.
Unfortunately, ignoring cold harsh reality isn't going to change it. Completely understandable why you'd be ambivalent towards a kid that isn't yours or even his, but you knew going in that getting involved with him would be a package deal and not only is the kid a part of the package but so is her mother.
Continuing this relationship under false pretenses is completely unfair to both boyfriend and the kid as you'd only be prolonging the inevitable. You're not going to warm up to the kid and she's been through enough already with her bio-father apparently out of the picture and the home she knew with your boyfriend being broken up. Best to cut your losses and end things now, for the kid's sake but also so you and boyfriend can move on to suitable partners.
Potentially more serious problem for boyfriend is that if he never married the kid's mother, then legally she is not his step-daughter so she is unlikely to remain a part of his life once step-baby mama starts shacking up with another guy who presumably will then assume the role of "step-father" du jour, another pitfall of a childless person getting involved with a single parent.
"Ive never been with someone who has a kid and Im not sure how to deal with the situation"
Now you know how to deal with the situation, and that's by avoiding it. If you want to share all the first time experiences of having a kid with your future husband or baby daddy, then there is only one solution: in the future date only childless men.
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