A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been living with my boyfriend for a year ... we've been together about a year and a half now. We're both in our 40s and divorced with adult children. He asked me to marry him last year and over the last several months, he has seemed to be very indecisive. He'll talk about us retiring together and then put his retirement into an account only his kids are entitled to if something should happen to him. He relocated to my area last year and hasn't found a job here ... he drives two hours away to and from work each day. A few months ago, he told me to look for a job in that area and we would move back there (we are both originally from that area). When I found a full-time job within a week (I surprised myself because there aren't many jobs there), he told me it wasn't good enough ... it didn't offer health insurance and even though he already has a family plan his adult son is on, I guess he has no intentions of adding me. For a while, when I brought up the marriage proposal, he would get defensive. I blew up a few weeks ago because he suggested "we get a tv for our Christmas present" this year ... I asked him then if he changed his mind about marrying me and he said he was "99.9% sure he wanted to marry me, but he wanted to be 100% sure". I left before his family Christmas get-together because he told me to leave. He said I was being mean because I told him I was disappointed and felt I had waited a year for something that was never going to happen. I was so mean that I had made cupcakes ... seriously. As I was walking out the door, he told me I didn't have to leave, but I spent the night at my daughter's. When I came back, I started packing my stuff and looking for another place to live and he talked me into staying two more months. When I suggested relationship counseling, he wanted no part of it. I'm having an incredibly difficult time getting through this Christmas. I no longer believe him ... for whatever reason, I feel he's attempting to give me hope for something that will never happen. He finally fixed my car after telling me he would help me keep it on the road a year and a half ago and I think that was my Christmas gift, aside from a cocoa gift box when I don't even drink cocoa. I have no faith in this relationship anymore and I'm really struggling through this holiday.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): He has not treated you right. That is plain to see. At every opportunity he covers his own needs he does not include you. He wants you day to day but is not prepared to be serious. I really know what it is to be with the wrong man at Xmas. My advice is to hold your tongue and be oh so nice over Xmas. I know this will be hard but hear me out.... You need to make your own plans and fast. Secure yourself a house and job and make sure you have funds. Then ASAP whether it is New Year or shortly after just go but do it in a way he cannot lure you back. See this as you getting your strength back. I am in my 40s and was stuck with a dead end relationship for 2 years. I know how painful it is to not be able to see a future. Create one for yourself and you will attract the right kind of man. He is using you so use him back for now to buy yourself time for YOU and see 2015 as your chance to set yourself free.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): One of the things about being over 40 is you no longer have to play games, and you have plenty of wisdom and experience to fall back on.
A man who is indecisive about marrying you is wishy-washy only because he doesn't want to come right out and say he doesn't want to. He still wants you around, but on his terms. He's ssing marriage as a carrot dangling over your head. He knows you're in your 40's; and like so many mature women, probably feel your options are few where men are concerned.
Girlfriend, men his age think they have women all figured-out. You're being played while he calls all the shots. He wants all the privileges of marriage; without all the legal ties. He's divorced and wants stay that way; but still wants a wife-substitute to take care of him. You're fulfilling the duty with no benefits.
Find a new job with benefits, another place to live; and tell him to shove-off!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 December 2014):
 Soooo, you have a "non-relationship" with this guy... and you are STILL holding out that he will fall in love with - and marry - you....
Re-read your submittal... and see if there isn't a different - and better - path that you can follow....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 I understand how frustrating it is to be lied to and strung along. It insults your intelligence. In your post though, I hearing nothing positive about him or the relationship. It's like the mention of marriage is tied to insurance and retirement funds. If he can only afford to support his children and not you, that could be the reason why he is hesitant on marriage.
There is also a lot of unpleasant things in your relationship. Christmas parties should be about family gathering and warmth. Although you felt impatient about the wedding that is yet to come it would be inappropriate to bring it up in a party.
You may be dissatisfied in this relationship because it's more about money and surviving day to day (such as helping you with the car, you don't even see it as a loving gesture. There is not much room for romance but unfortunately a marriage would not keep you happy forever if neither of you create an environment where you can each appreciate each other, have fun and get along in harmony.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 December 2014):
 I would say, now you know where you stand. This guy will KEEP stringing you along as a couple (without marriage) for as long as he can. If you start pushing for him to decide, I bet you he will walk away.
As for his health insurance, I can't see why he should add you. (at least til you are married) and I can't see why it's UP to him to decide where you two should live and what jobs YOU can take.
I do think he COULD be trying to be wise and not JUMP into a marriage. For some a year -18 months is not enough time to decide, however YOUR guy already proposed and now he is back peddling.
I'd say it's up to YOU to decide what you want. DO you want to be with a guy who wants to date you, live with you, but not marry you?
One thing I will say, you two are making a LOT of assumptions, because you skirt around the issues. YOU need to talk about the things you want to know. Like the health insurance thing. YOU assumed he would add you, and now you assume he won't. YOU really don't know. Maybe he wants YOU to have your own for your own sake, maybe for his. Who knows? If you haven't TALKED about that and other issues.
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