A
female
age
41-50,
*oburg
writes:Hi - I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now and everything seems nice; although today I came across lots porn in his drawer - and not classy porn either, and it seems to really bother me. I know that it is seem as normal for men to have it and like it, and I know I am probably a bit of a prude but it just makes me feel a little sad that he 'needs' all these images of women doing not very classy things when he has me? I am not sure whether to confront him and say that it makes me feel uncomfortable (does he expect me to do these things?!) or just accept that that is the way that many men are - I would love your advice - thanks.
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male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (16 February 2008):
Tisha's answer here below is indeed a very comprehensive one and explains very clearly good reasons why blokes like to look at porn.
It is just looking and not touching and in the vast majority of cases porn does not warp the mind or distort the way us blokes would behave around or feel about a girlfriend or wife. In many ways it is the equivilent of women reading romantic novels as romantic novels tend to push the buttons in a womans brain a very similar way to the way in which blokes buttons are pushed with porn. It is really just a bit of fantasy and nothing more.
The only concerns I would have is if it is warped stuff that would be considered highly illegal in most countries of the world. The chances are is that it isn't so don't worry about it.
Instead of thinking of porn in a negative sense here why not use the subject matter to tap into each others fantasies and providing you are both comfortable with them have a bit of fun having a go at working some of them out be it for him or for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Personally, I do not like it and would not go out with someone who looks at porn and if they did I would ask them not to. There's always the worry that they'll indulge in it too often and it will affect our sex life. It would be best to talk to him and tell him how badly it makes you feel about yourself. If he says it's no big deal and wants to continue using it, try buying some of your own porn of great looking men and leave it around or in your dresser and see how he responds to it. If it's no threat to him, then his porn shouldn't be a threat to you either, because it may not mean much to him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Porn does push a lot of worry buttons, doesn't it?
My initial advice is to not worry about it so much, with a few caveats I'll mention later. I certainly am not an expert on men's sexual fantasies, but I think that most find images of women in porn appealing, and that they, like us women, are entitled to their own fantasies. There is after all, a huge industry selling romance novels to women, which in its own way is providing fantasy. As long as it doesn't interfere with relationships it probably just fills a little gap in our psyches. If it is taking over all his time, though, then there's a problem.
If your relationship is good, and he's not spending all his time perusing porn, I wouldn't be too worried. If he's asking you to do things that make you uncomfortable, you can worry.
You said it wasn't "classy porn." I hope it doesn't involve children or animals! Otherwise, most porn would probably fall into the "not classy" category. I think men just like looking at naked women!
If you've ever spent time in an airport or near a magazine rack, it's kind of amusing to see how many men sidle over to the 'adult' section and browse the nudie magazines. Again, it's the visual stimulation that gives them a little charge--not that I'm an expert on this, mind you, it's just what I've observed.
If it really, really bothers you, you should express your concerns to your boyfriend. Maybe all you need is the reassurance that he'd much rather be with you than with the pages of a magazine. He'll probably be very embarassed that you came across his 'stash' and may be defensive or angry that you were snooping... It should be handled with great love and gentleness, and without judgement for what he's looking at, unless again, it's to do with children or animals or worse.
Honestly, unless it was causing an obvious problem in his behavior toward you, or if you think he's cheating on you, I would let it go, and just suggest gently to him that he needs to find a better place to hide the evidence...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Having you and porn are two different issues.The porn do not take over your place. He still loves you the same. You are real while those porn are just fantasies.
When you are not there, he needs them for visual stimulations when he has the urge and need to release them.
If you react to his having porn , it will only go underground or sweep under the carpet. It is still there, only you don't see it.
Some women want to make it a big issue in here. You have to decide if you agree or disagree with them.
I don't think if some porn is detrimental to your marriage or relationship unless he is addicted to porn .That is another issue .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): If it really bothers you just sit him down and have a chat - it could be that he feels that you don't care or something, which onviously isn't the case.As for it not being "classy" then it probably is advisable to talk to him about it.Hope I helped,H
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