A
female
age
30-35,
*osygirls92
writes:The question on every person's mind when they begin to have a new relationship. Exactly what's this guy/girl's dating history?I want to have an idea of what you think. To what depth should we know this. If we don't, is it appropriate to ask? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): I think you should try and find out as much as you can. You pick up any woman's magazine and there are numerous stories of lying spouses who had very dubious dating/marriage histories and the poor unsupecting spouse only found out after s/he was almost killed by them. I'd want to know. But approach this subject with caution and keep one simple fact at the front of your mind: all this happened BEFORE this person probably even knew you existed so you cannot under ANY circumstances judge the person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): This is a really tough question. Knowing everything about your partner's dating history could lead to retroactive jealousy, make you feel less important to him/her as his/her past relationships, make you feel compared to others, etc.
I'd say at the most, you could know how many relationships your significant other has had, and how many were considered "serious." If there's something else, like a particularly important event (serious physical or emotional abuse, engagement/marriage, it'll be up to the both of you to share that, based on how comfortable you feel.
My significant other and I know each other's extensive history, and it's caused some fairly serious pain between the two of us -- mostly because his exes think it's perfectly OK to contact him whenever they want, and he says hurtful things about why I'd want to be engaged to him when my ex and I had talked about getting married, making him only second best, etc. Just an example!
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A
male
reader, clutchcargo  +, writes (25 September 2010):
 Don't Don't Don't!!!!!!! Wondering and imagining is a cake walk compared to dealing with the mental images and torture of hearing the truth. In today's moral climate almost everyone has some sort of sexual history that will bother the mate. Just search this site for retroactive jealousy and you will see the misery caused by knowing the real facts (if they know the whole truth).
The funny thing is it does not seem to matter if there was one previous partner or fifty.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (25 September 2010):
 I would not inquire into a past about previous relationships. Believe me, this turns into retrograde jealousy, which can be EXTREMELY damaging to a relationship and a partner's mental state. I'm here right now, and I wish that nothing had ever been spoken about his past relationships. It's definitely not worth knowing, as it does nothing for your present relationship with your partner. Just a tip. But it is worth knowing about their childhood and family and highschool days. Especially if they're proud of anything concerning those things. Find out what made them proud to be who they are today.
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