A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had an one night stand two months ago. Fast forward and we have decided to go long distance, as I moved abroad for a semester.He's my worse nightmare. I cannot believe how much I came to like him. I want to be with him long enough to say "I love you."I'm both open and honest in our relationship, as we started off in pretty open states. I hope he is just as equally. We text daily, but sometimes I feel he doesn't like me as much as I do him. This dynamic in a relationship is typical I find: someone will always like the other more. My problem is, I've always been the one to love someone more, and it always ended up swiftly. I would simply leave without a word other than "Good bye."I'm afraid that when we talk about the future, it's him entertaining me. We both have to move next year. Him for a new job, I for a new university (8 years difference). We talked about moving to the same place, a compromise.However, I'm scared he is not ready for me. I require much love, or I become cold and distant. I do not mean having a constant stream of hearts and "I love you"s, more having that assurance that he loves me. He shouldn't have to say it. He just has to show me in a way both of us can understand. Yet time after time, he says he'll call and then he says he's too tired and wants to read a book and sleep. Or I decide to call him, he picks up, it disconnects, and next thing I know: "Going to the pool. Talk later." We want to spend NYE together where his brother is, of which I'd have to stay in an hotel alone and him at his brother's place. There was a delay in the plans because he had to sort out what his friends were up to during Christmas and New Years before he could sort it out with me.I become frustrated at times. I cry. He has seen me cry once on Skype, I said "good night" and he did too. I think the hurt I feel is unhealthy because it forces me to act "stronger": colder, meaner, more nonchalant, until I actually convince myself that I am that way. That's when I reach the point of goodbye.When that happens, I don't know whether I break through to "seeing reality" or I blind myself to the love I feel/felt.I don't want to give up, but if this continues, wouldn't I reach my point of goodbye anyway? Then should I not simply leave now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2015): You have to reach a point of maturity in how you handle relationships. You cannot be all over the place with your feelings; or no one will really know where you're coming from, or what it is you expect from them. You're hot and cold, clingy to nonchalant. That's too many changes to deal with. You can't sit and wait for them to figure you out.
We men tend to get distant; when we notice a lot of mood swings or scattered feelings that never seem to settle down in our partner.
You don't have a real grasp on your feelings and emotions; and you are not exactly realistic or precise about your expectations. You say what he does to annoy or upset you; but what do you need from him? Openly express it to him, so he'll know.
It's hard for anyone to do that; because you seem insecure, and that translates as needy. Guys really avoid that in women. If he's gay, he avoids that in other gay guys. Women tend to show a lot of patience; but eventually, even women will throw up their hands and give-up; if a guy or girl doesn't come across with confidence and show a sense of trust during the course of a relationship. Honestly, what's the point? You have to be specific about your needs; and you can't want what you don't give.
Unless something is consistently wrong, or you're mistreated; why should you leave? You don't seem to know what you want, or what it is you're not getting. If love is not equally exchanged, that is called infatuation. If you know you like him more than he cares for you, yes...leave.
You have to explain what you mean when you say you need a lot of love? If you can't; then I guess what I've said above is correct regarding your mixed-bag of feelings and scattered emotions. You have to show focus and emotional stability; or you will go from one failed relationship to the next.
Ending them abruptly is deliberately killing them; so you'd get a predictable ending. Instead of being an adult and waiting to see where things will go. You have to contribute something to get something. If you don't know what it is you want from someone else; you will not be able to communicate or convey your needs. So they will not know what it is that's in short supply. They'll be at a lost of understanding; while you're feeling some way. Nobody knows why? Not even you!
If you need his respect and consideration, tell him so.
Give it back in return. If he makes decisions and you're the last to know, tell him how that makes you feel. If he simply doesn't demonstrate he cares as much about you, as you care for him, tell him so. Wait to see what he has to say about that. If he can't give you an adequate or meaningful answer. Dump him!!! Just make sure, that you have done everything you should, to deserve all that you want from him. He shouldn't have to pour it on, in order to get it out of you. It should be a fair and even exchange of affection consistently happening between you as a couple. That's what keeps a relationship going. If it doesn't happen naturally; that's a sign you're a bad match and incompatible.
Granted, you do have to weed through people who aren't a good match. You shouldn't waste yours or their time. That isn't the case; if you just kill relationships, because guys can't read your mind.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 September 2015):
 I think you know what reality is. Some people take their time to break up, waiting for the pain to subside. Others do it quick, like ripping to the bandaid. In both relationships and in cases of physical injury, I take my time but I find it hard to suggest that to someone else. When you are deep into passion it's hard to see clear. Now that I look back at who I chose to be with I just shake my head. Although I would not pay a plane ticket and a hotel to be with a guy who doesn't commit. So don't plan NYE, or anything with him. No one is forcing you to say goodbye. Maybe ghosting is a less painful way?
The timing is not right. You said you went for long distance but it's quite different from saying you were calling each other bfs and gfs. Even with the official label it's hard to take it seriously when you only had 2 months of dating (or not really). The future is uncertain too. It's actually more humane to be how he is than to fake an interest, talk about soulmates, marriage and babies but to mean none of that and to string you along. He's being passive so you can make your own choice and he wouldn't be blamed if it doesn't go right.
Don't obsess or dwell on what to do, or what could happen. Just simply be and try to enjoy life by yourself, or with friends.
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