A
male
age
30-35,
*uterLimits
writes:Hello! Thinking about breaking no contact by leaving chocolates at her door on vday. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago because I pestered her for a non committed relationship to test if she really loves me because before we started dating, she said she was lonely and that she wants to marry and have kids. I wanted to know if she would love me whole heartedly first before anything else. anyways, after the break up I didn't give her the space she wanted and pushed her away but still managed to get limited contact with her. I believe I still have to make it up to her because I still haven't apologized in person for breaking the date and making her feel not loved. After 1-2 weeks of me not leaving her alone, she told me through texts that she does not feel the same way for me. It's been a week of NC and if I break it it will not affect me emotionally, so should I be romantic and over it at the same time by leaving the chocolate at her place and still continue with no contact and not expect anything or let her know what she's missing by just sticking with absolute no contact?
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male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (22 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies everybody! Although it may seem best to let her go because I am a bad person, I am changing for the better and I will not hurt her anymore like you all might think. Up to this point you can tell that I have not tried to downplay my actions, or pretend to be the good guy. At least grant me that :PThis will be my last post and I just want to let you all know that the most important reason why I caused this is because one time she said she didn't love me in person and then I made a sad face and she immediately said she loved me a couple of times. This made me wonder, what if I hadn't made the sad face, perhaps we could have had an important discussion. Well too late now. I tried to discover through actions by letting her go and ultimately failing to follow through. Now it seems like perhaps you're all right. My plan stunk and maybe I'm not worthy of her time. However, I do not intend to give up so easily.I will update this later in the future and rate/evaluate answers objectively on the assessments given to me. I will keep in mind that no one is perfect and it would be nearly impossible to convey every feeling that I've had and the ones that me and my ex have shared so it would be hard to accurately grasp what is going on to give an accurate assessment. Peace.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 February 2013):
 Tish I think if she had said "you blew it, jerk" to this guy he'd think she was offering him oral sex.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 February 2013):
 That's not a love quote. That's a "you blew it, jerk" quote. She's done with you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2013):
Oh my god, its so obvious she is done with you, love quotes or not. Her real life actions and words are not leaving any room for doubt.
I hope you come back here in a year and read all this. If you do and aren't embarrassed, then you really need to get therapy (seriously).
Stop asking for advice on how to win her back. All you're getting is people telling you that you're a stalker.
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (21 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback everyone. The good thing is a while back ago I kept the snowball going after the breakup. I told her I pretended to be wealthy by taking her out to fancy places to get her to like me and then I said she deserved someone better than me. I was a bad boy. Now I'm a poor boy. If she ever loves me again I'd at least know it would be more real than I imagined.I could just stop this and go on my marry way doing my thing without expressing it word for word, but honestly, I am trying to be as accurate as possible to get feedback from you all to compare and gain knowledge to better understand these particular circumstances. Call it an experience and an experiment. We still don't know for sure yet either. That quote/adage is perfectly matched for our situation otherwise why would she put it up? If not to hint that then why?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 If you ask me, she might have posted a whole book of quotations, but, she's over and done with you, and you need to realize it. She canceled the meeting and there won't be another one. She told you she understand, she forgives, it's ok, but whatever you may tell her now she is not intersted,it does not make a difference, it does not matter now.
Which part of " does not matter " you don't understand ?..
I am not sure about the " let's be friends " . To me it sounds just like the polite , PC platitude that an inexperienced, unassertive girl feels obliged to say when tryng to get rid of a clingy suitor like you.
But, who knows, maybe she does want to stay friends. Just friends.
In which case, though, it does not work for you. You said you can't be just friends, you want to be more than friends. You are talking about " love " and " let her come to me "... she sounds pretty fed up, and not inclined to let you romance her.So what's the point in staying in touch ?
Why don't you just move on ? You said you have known and felt interest for other girls , why not tryng to start something new- possibly less crazy and obsessive - with one of them ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2013):
 YOU blew it with your silly "test". Live and learn.
maybe with the next girl you won't be so foolish and childish.
use this as a learning experience and be an adult and RESPECT her wishes. Leave her alone. stop trying to read into her actions what you need/want to see.
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (21 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow about I keep light contact 2-3 times a week?
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (21 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I continue nc or get through this with her? How? Don't let go, but let her come to me or do I try and make her happy, trust me, and love me again or what?
Thanks for the time and kind regards,
OL
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (21 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, she put up the love quote the day after we last communicated
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (21 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe next day she told me sorry but she has to work on that day, so I asked when and she said she doesn't know yet.
I then asked if she was interested to know about my reason and she said I can text it if I want to but it doesn't matter what I say because we are not getting back. But we can be friends. I then said I wanted to tell her in person because it meant a lot to me because I made her hurt and I felt ashamed. I said I wouldn't expect to get back together but I want to be more than friends, I wanted to be a truly good friend. She replied we can still be friends.
I then poured my heart into a proper apology letting her know my mistakes (without any reasons)for hurting her and how she must have felt and how I feel now. I said even though I have to let her go, I was truly sorry for what I have done. I also said I did not expect forgiveness. Later that night she replied saying it was ok and she understands. I replied moments later about another thing I had done and said I did not deserve her forgiveness.
The next morning she sent a message saying that it is ok. I replied letting her know that I met the other girls more than a week after the breakup and that I wouldn't have cheated or find someone else while I'm with her. She responded ok but it doesn't matter and then immediately after said that she meant it is ok now.
The next day I found her on fb and the only thing I see on her fb, literally, other than the friends that she have added shown on her time line is an image/quotation that she liked/shared and put on her timeline: http://excellentquotations.com/Images-EQ/smallQuotesImages/45451_small.jpg
I then searched about this quotation online and found a post/blog titled "How to Know He Loves You: Stress Him Out" by WisdomIsMisery January 19, 2012. Found here: http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/01/19/stress-him-out/
He basically says that if you run out of a relationship because of some stress then it shows that you did not value your gf or the relationship enough to stick around.
This fact coupled with the love quote she had put up on her fb which is the only thing she has ever put up unless the other things she puts up are in friends view only. She has this love quote post in public view and if you haven't checked yet, please tell me what you think about this situation now? Here is the link to the love quote, again:
http://excellentquotations.com/Images-EQ/smallQuotesImages/45451_small.jpg
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 February 2013):
I'm sorry, but this is insane! You should be embarrassed with your behavior! When you look back you will be.
She has made it so obvious that she's not interested in your mistakes or apologies. I can't believe she replied to you; I think it has more to do with trying to get rid of you than wanting to speak with you.
Like I said before, maybe we're all wrong, so let us know on Thursday. But you need to tell yourself that whatever happens on Thursday will determine your future. If she stands you up or tells you to leave her alone, you just need to accept that there is no amount of chocolate or stalking that'll make her want to be with you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 February 2013):
I am a fool for even answering, seen how any advice is appreciated AND promptly ignored ....
If the 85% came from your heart... I don't know , may be a heart transplant :)?
You are bothering this girl. You are harassing her . With all your nice ways, you are basically bullying her. I lost exact count in your update, but she must have rebuffed you 7 or 8 times before you worn her out and she agreed to meet you on Thursday.
You are lucky that this is a young, relatively inexperienced ( I mean socially, not sexually ) girl. She does not know quite how to protect her interests . Had she been an older , more mature woman, by now you would have had the police at your door. She would have slapped you with a restraining order - or ( not that I advise that !:) she would have sent an older, brawny relative or friend to slap you silly and knock some sense into your head .
Leave her alone. I think she does not really mean she wants to be friends later on, it may be a time-buying tactic to get you off her back, but honestly I don't know, so THAT is worth a try- give her a few months of peace and quiet while she can process things in her head , approach her with birthday wishes and take it from there.
But, for the time being, stop it. You are making a pest of yourself , in a way that borders with mentally unsound. The girl is weak and wishy washy, but when she will be fed up enough , at some point, she will get you into trouble.
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (18 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your support by being here and giving me something to think about. All of the answers were really making me want to just do no contact except one, which by itself gave a +15% morale boost and the rest was from my heart. Everyone else said no contact and gave me a sense of this was it no more games, so I made myself try to see her one last time.I didn't get a reply on vday and I left the chocolates the day before. wrong move? maybe, but the opportunity is still ahead. Two days later, I msg'd to ask her out next week with no response (I should have stopped here and just waited). Then I said how about coffee the next day. Later I said I wouldn't flirt with the other girls even if they liked me. And that I would not let her go until she likes someone else and I would appreciate it if she could let me know because I don't want to be a back up plan and then I would know to really give up :(. Later in the night the doomed msg arrived. Sorry no time, did not find anyone else, also don't want to be with me again, and just want to be alone now. This is where that 15% gave the turbo boost and I pleased for a last chance to talk with the reply, doesn't think we should meet. sorry! maybe can meet after a few months when we can be friends again. I then said I just want to say something that is very dear in my heart. And that I would give her my password to fb, which she doesn't know I have yet, to see that I haven't flirted with the girls or continued communication (there might have been a little friendly activity with that 1 girl I mentioned but I did stop communication and just saw her in class). The response was no! don't need it and that was the last msg from her that night. I kept on saying the other girls I met were from school. One for a project and the other helps me with classwork. I said it wasn't like I went out to search for another girl. And that I just want to tell her the most important reason why I acted that way to her and it truly had to do with my heart and how our relationship started. I said it was something she said to me. I then said I was gonna marry you! Please don't leave this way. My heart will never be the same if I don't explain why I acted the way I did. I said I started acting that way to her because of the reason. It made me think and I wanted to be sure of something because it is a big deal to me. Please let me explain this to you at the coffee shop. I then said I wanted to say happy new year so much but didn't want to ruin her day. Finally I added in that I made the fb recently. I felt the healing come in shortly after I sent the last msg. I wasn't expecting anything now.Oddly enough, I get a msg early in the morning saying but she doesn't have time. I said I'm asking for a couple of minutes. And she said how about Thursday? I really don't have time today. I said Thursday is good. She knows I'm free on Thursdays and most of the time so is she, or at least Thursdays were her most reserved days for me. I'm guessing she's intrigued. Am I picking at straws? I have been thinking whether I should tell her:A) the reason why for my behavior when we meet.OrB) Take her hands and look her in her eyes and say I won't act like that anymore and seek a possibility for a kiss. If it doesn't work, I'll tell her if I tell her then I will never be sure if my heart is truly happy. But I promise I won't act like that and treat her that way anymore. I didn't tell you guys before that I also no contact her for two days when we were talking everyday and that upset her as well.I'm favoring B since a few months from now will be her birthday and I can contact her then and be friends. I'll find out in reasonable time if she wants to be more than friends and start fresh and that way I know her love for me is foremost. If not, I will move on because I'll be fully healed already. I could try that girl I was mentioning. She asked if I had a gf but I answered another question just before that and didn't respond to it and continued about other stuff.Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 February 2013):
You want, you want... it's all about what you want and you need. What about her ? She indicates she wants to be let alone, maybe to lick her wounds, maybe to move on, maybe to think if this " relationship " is worth being salvaged, whatever. So why for once don't you consider what SHE wants. She wants space, so give her space.
She might have had , or still have feelings- but, it's not all about feelings. Often you love people AND you realize they are not right for you and a relationship with them can't work.
I think this is what happened, it's not just a problem of miscommunication, it's not just that you meant one thing and said another. It is , for instance, in the point of view of many women , that a guy who feels the need to apply silly love " tests " like yours is too immature/insecure for being the right partner. It is the very idea of being put to test , and having to jump through hoops to show they deserve your love, that would put many women off.
Just to name one thing.
In general, even supposing this was your soulmate ( I really don't think this was the case though ) and you've pushed her away ... well , pal, you blew it, it happens, let it go, move on. Love should not be so difficult and complicated, if it takes so much insistence and ingenuity and trickery and machinations to make it flow, ...then probably it's not the right love for either of you.
MOVE ON !
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 February 2013):
Since everyone here has said "leave her alone" and that goes in one ear and out the other, why don't you do it your way and see how that ends up?
Just be sure to report back, maybe we could learn something new.
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (15 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I do take full responsibility. Really, inside I feel remorse for how I have treated her. I was just trying to laugh it off, that's all.Now that I've lost her trust, I want to show her that I do care about her. Is it wrong that I am still trying? I just think that because she thinks that I don't want her long term, when in actuality I do, then by leaving her alone signals that deep down it is what I want and that I don't care enough to fight for our relationship.I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I have reflected on myself, started working out, eating healthy, and have the mindset to continuously improve throughout life. I feel that if we were to get back together, things will be much better than before.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 February 2013):
I would say that your one last test shattered her trust in you. It's not really that funny to play games like that.
Your intentions don't coincide with the consequences of your actions. Your actions showed lack of consideration and care for her, mistrust of her intentions and basically you treated her like some sort of psychological experiment.
You say it's all your fault but somehow you seem to be laughing it off. There's just something off about your answers. It's like you don't seem to accept responsibility for your choices.
What benefit of the doubt? I don't hear anything in your ex's responses to you that shows she's willing to get back together with you.
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (15 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol the consensus is that I should just let it go. But would it be ok if I try the apologizing in person, hold hands, etc before fully letting go? I don't think I need therapy. When I'm out and about I can meet new people and not project sadness because I'm really not that sad. I have met another girl that I'm attracted to and I think she has signaled to me a couple of times that she is interested, but I want to give me ex the benefit of the doubt before I let her go, heal myself, and then start dating when I am totally free.Another reason why I feel I still have a chance with my ex is because after I mentioned the open relationship she said hmmm....:( and that she think it's not a good idea. She said she would not find someone else and will not find someone else and then shortly right after she broke it off because I canceled the date and pushed the open relationship by saying as long as she tells me who she's sleeping with so that I don't sleep with her on the same day (This is so stupid of me and I just can't help but laugh about it but I know I'm scum because of it). I ask her why break up, and she said that she think she loves me too much, that she cannot have me forever, and that she feels hurt and doesn't want to feel this way.Throughout the relationship I can sense that she really did love me and put more effort in it than I did but at the same time I was also planning to put in more too because just before all this, I scheduled my day classes to night classes for the next semester so that I could see her more and etc... I was going to give her all my heart after I did this one last test. Sorry to drag this on but this is probably the last bit of the story if it makes any difference so to get more accurate feedback and advice.I am very appreciative of the time that you all have given me even though I'm the bad guy here but I assure you, my love for her was and is real and I never meant for it to turn out this way and to hurt her this much. Thank you all for your time and advice. Kind regards,OuterLimits
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 February 2013):
There aren't mixed signals here, except for your searching for small scraps of hope.
Do you have any issues with OCD at all?
Write her a note of apology but I would say you should prepare yourself to create your own closure.
What you think of as a romantic gesture, such as the chocolates and going in for the kiss, um, at this point, it sounds pretty clear that she is shutting you out and isn't interested. If she were, you wouldn't be wondering, you would know.
I think you are grasping at straws.
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male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (15 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. During the 1st week of the 2 weeks, she agreed to go eat with me. When I was in her place she was getting ready and then she was and waiting for me at her room door, instead of apologizing I said "do you miss me?" I'm such a fool! she immediately said she had to go in 10 minutes to mail some things and pointed at the things she had to mail and that she had work soon, so I just left...the fact that she suddenly wasn't going to go eat with me anymore signal that she was mad right? I never got to apologize to her in person...this is why I can't let her go. I think I should be patient with her but still try to see her sometime not too long from now to apologize and make it up to her.
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male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (15 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that during the 2 weeks she didn't say she didn't love me, she said "maybe" she doesn't love me and everything she said had mixed messages...It was only at the end of the 2 weeks that she said she didn't love me like before. During the breakup I feel like she was giving me the silent treatment by taking hours to reply and when I left her alone for a day or two she would reply immediately. Throughout the breakup she stopped staying at her place and has been living with her friend most of the time as well so she has the emotional support and the potential reason for her strategic behavior or support to move on. She kept saying she would call me when she's free and I didn't take that easily...in hindsight it was around Chinese new year so it seems reasonable, but if I was with her then perhaps we would have seen each other during the special week like on Christmas time. Anyways, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her I would be dropping by to pick up my wool hat because it was going to get colder and I said I could pick it up next week but she said I could the next 2 days. The morning before the meet she text me to meet at a coffee shop for the next day and I didn't reply until the end of the night with a simple short "see you there" and I was thinking in my mind..."oh she probably doesn't want me to pick up my stuff at her place or something". The day comes and in the morning she asked to meet an hour later and then an hour before the meet, I asked for another hour and she said I could pick it up at the front desk/concierge at her place at the time I wanted to meet, but I told her I had her stuff to give back too and she agreed to meet. I knock on her door and she was just about to leave and I hand her her stuff but she refused saying she would not keep it or take it back and she gave me my hat in a nice little eloquent bag...The mixed signals never stops! I asked for my condoms back and told her because I didn't like the thought of her sleeping with another man using my condoms. She said she threw them out...I asked her to go eat with me but she was on her way to meet a girl friend and said I didn't ask her before so she didn't make time for me and I said you probably wouldn't have said yes though right? She made the sound like a heh/huh sound. I decided to go with her because she was going to the shopping mall where my school was at and throughout the ride it was pleasant. we had some giggles together until the train got packed and I offered my seat to an elderly person. Fast forward to just before we split, I bugged her about the condoms again and she said I could come by that night...but if she threw them out...then I forgot but in the end she said she doesn't think we need to meet that night...but could meet next week which was during Chinese new year but I had forgotten. I don't know why I didn't just accept that and instead I moved on...so many mistakes. I feel like if I just see her, take her hands, look into her eyes, and tell her I'm sorry, move her chin up a bit with my hand and go in for a kiss...she would be mine again.Thank you everybody for the replies. It is very much appreciated :)
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A
male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (15 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that during the 2 weeks she didn't say she didn't love me, she said "maybe" she doesn't love me and everything she said had mixed messages...It was only at the end of the 2 weeks that she said she didn't love me like before. During the breakup I feel like she was giving me the silent treatment by taking hours to reply and when I left her alone for a day or two she would reply immediately. Throughout the breakup she stopped staying at her place and has been living with her friend most of the time as well so she has the emotional support and the potential reason for her strategic behavior or support to move on. She kept saying she would call me when she's free and I didn't take that easily...in hindsight it was around Chinese new year so it seems reasonable, but if I was with her then perhaps we would have seen each other during the special week like on Christmas time. Anyways, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her I would be dropping by to pick up my wool hat because it was going to get colder and I said I could pick it up next week but she said I could the next 2 days. The morning before the meet she text me to meet at a coffee shop for the next day and I didn't reply until the end of the night with a simple short "see you there" and I was thinking in my mind..."oh she probably doesn't want me to pick up my stuff at her place or something". The day comes and in the morning she asked to meet an hour later and then an hour before the meet, I asked for another hour and she said I could pick it up at the front desk/concierge at her place at the time I wanted to meet, but I told her I had her stuff to give back too and she agreed to meet. I knock on her door and she was just about to leave and I hand her her stuff but she refused saying she would not keep it or take it back and she gave me my hat in a nice little eloquent bag...The mixed signals never stops! I asked for my condoms back and told her because I didn't like the thought of her sleeping with another man using my condoms. She said she threw them out...I asked her to go eat with me but she was on her way to meet a girl friend and said I didn't ask her before so she didn't make time for me and I said you probably wouldn't have said yes though right? She made the sound like a heh/huh sound. I decided to go with her because she was going to the shopping mall where my school was at and throughout the ride it was pleasant. we had some giggles together until the train got packed and I offered my seat to an elderly person. Fast forward to just before we split, I bugged her about the condoms again and she said I could come by that night...but if she threw them out...then I forgot but in the end she said she doesn't think we need to meet that night...but could meet next week which was during Chinese new year but I had forgotten. I don't know why I didn't just accept that and instead I moved on...so many mistakes. I feel like if I just see her, take her hands, look into her eyes, and tell her I'm sorry, move her chin up a bit with my hand and go in for a kiss...she would be mine again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Just move on. You're overanalyzing things. She's not with you, you can't force thoughts into her head, stalking is creepy.
Move on.
Date when you are ready. If you don't think you are ready, don't date. There is no mathematical formula that you must follow.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 February 2013):
Terrible idea. You pestered for weeks to get the kind of relationshipo she did NOT want ( who cares if it was some silly love test ? ), you did not gave her the space she needed, you did not leave her alone for weeks.... and now you want to leave chocolate on her door ? What do you want, a reputation as a stalker ? a restraining order ?
Leave her alone . It sounds totallly over, but, just in case there's still the remote chance she might change her mind , you'd blow it by continuing doing what she disliked in the first place, i.e. breathing on her neck.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 February 2013):
Chocolates: creepy and inappropriate.
No contact: better.
Accept that the relationship is over and move on: priceless.
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male
reader, OuterLimits +, writes (15 February 2013):
OuterLimits is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel that because I led her to this decision that I can reverse it. The breakup wasn't because the connection wasn't there. I just want her to know that I really do care about her and I want that to be her last thought before I go no contact with her. Should I just start dating again once I'm 100% moved on? I'm currently at 85%. Do you see a possibility for us in the near future or should I just move on?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Leaving chocolates at her door is not going to magically fix the problems your relationship has encountered.
Dramatic romantic expressions on Valentine's Day are welcome from loved ones. You don't sound like you are in her good graces and I think leaving chocolates at her door is more likely to reinforce her notion that you aren't someone she feels is a viable candidate for a long term relationship.
In other words, the relationship sounds like it's over and leaving chocolates at her door is going to wind up with her continuing to feel less for you and the chocolates in the trash bin.
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