A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Calling all guys late 20's to 30s im so confused and need some male advice or anyone that can relate to this feel free to help...thank you basically i have just returned from a trip to america with my friend i had a great time and defo needed the break - me and my friend went to this club we have been to a few times on previous visits and during one of the shows we were on the 1st week we were there this guy caught my eye he did a great act and looked at me a few times, picked on me in the audience and acknowledged me on the way out. and then a few weeks later we returned and he was there again, and anyway me and my friend got talking to some of them after the show at the bar - he came over, i told him i thought he was good, the accent always is popular with the americans, we had a flirty chat and he kept coming back and forth from his friends and colleagues to talk to me - as the night went on, he became more flirtatious and had his arms around me, introduced me to x2 of his work colleagues and his close friend - he invited me back to the artist area and presumed to sit there touching my knee in conversation etc all very innocent - it wasn't slimy at all it just felt natural to me - AND I HAVE TO POINT OUT to hang out with people like this at the place they work is not something i would normally ever do but he showed interest so i just gave it back - as you do, anyway he showed me photos on his phone, he said 'would you hang out with me tonight' all these signals etc....my friend was into this other guy and as she was drunk ( i wasnt ) she kept saying just have a 1 night stand with him , he likes you - i didnt feel comfortable with that - I DO NOT DO THAT especially with someone from a place i like going to and want to go back without getting a reputationanyway he said i live around the corner you both can come back to mine , i was like no i dont think so, my friend was begging me with her guy so like an idiot i agreed he drove my car back to his, parked it for me - oh yes all the caring signals - he kept saying 'are we going on a 1st date now tonight' all these cute things that mde me think he liked me etc then we got to his, had a few drinks, he sat next to me and was all over me, kissing me - but we did talk too and then he said lets go the bedroom and talk - with a bit of persuasion i went along with him cos i liked him etc - but i was not going to just sleep with me and i think he knew that he was really sweet he showed me his room, his private stuff, we watched a movie on his bed - it was like teenagers to be honest but i felt so comfortable with him - no problem at all it sounds silly but it was like we had known each other for years and all we did was talk about his job, my job, family all that the usual stuff when you dont know someone he went through it all with me - then he asked me to massage his back which stupidly i did as he had hurt it earlier but even that wasn't weird even though its cringe now as i write thiseverytime we had something in common to which we had so much he said ' are we falling in love right now' when are you back, we need to sort you out a visa etc all these things - i just thought it was too good to be true and it didnt really feel like anything at the time other than a great guy and we liked each other but he kept saying all this stuff to make me think he liked me and we were really intimate in his bed, we might not have done the sexual stuff but there was a connection there - anyway the whole time this was going off, my friend and this other guy were in the living room and then they left and he said i could just stay with him, and then he said i cant believe you were at my work earlier and now your in my bed... i then tried to kiss him as i was on top of him messing about (which we had been doing) and he said i cant do this??? and i got off and he then started saying he was married with kids??? which is not true he was winding me up but it was all a bit weird even though i laughed at that time he then started going on about his ex girlfriend who he had just broken up with and all this stuff like it was difficult etc and i could tell he had been hurt and was very career focused etc but he was still fine with me he was stroking my hair, telling me how cute i was and funny .then my friend and his friend decided to come back he didnt seem happy like he was a bit over it and i cant remember in which order but he freaked out he got up and he was like they are coming back who is going to take them home - shall he?? and i just said no its ok i will, im sober your not (he wasnt drunk but he had been drinking) and as me and my friend were living together i said i would dont worry he just said i have early meetings etc its 4am etc etc and i just said dont worry so i got my stuff and he drove my car out for me, kissed me and said nice hanging out with you and i said i dont have your number and he got his phone out to take mine and i ended up ringing his to give it to him and that was it he said 'text me when your home' i kept thinking i shouldbt have left but he wanted to get to sleep and i think if my friend hadtn come back to his it would have been fine but it gave him an excuse. i drove us back home and i texted him when i got in and he didnt reply and then the next morning i sent him a friendly text just saying thanks and hope his back was better and again nothing??????????well i have been in this situation before (maybe 15 years ago at school), i didnt know what to make of it, it was like a one night stand without anything in return all very bizarre he was the one saying all this stuff to me about how we got on, when am i coming back, are we in love, how weird is this we are so similar etc and then asks me to text him and NOTHING..so i left it, obviously its driving me mad as i did like him as a friend and if it turned into anything it did but mostly i was just hurt as i would never have put myself into that situation of going to a guys house and BED if they dont show me the signs do you know what i mean its just embarrassing....anyway i got my friend to ask his friend as she was all full on with her guy what his problem was (who by the way told me that night in the car on the way home that he thought this guy defo liked me, that he never hangs out after work, you could tell he liked me, he had just broken up with someone but that he thought he did and thats someone that knows him) so you can imagine my surprise that when she asked him why he hadnt been in touch he said that he had seen him the next day and that he had said to him 'HE REGRETTED it, HE SHOULDNT have done anything, that he was drunk and so was i (even though I WAS NOT) and that he is still messed up over ex....' I WAS SO UPSET IT WAS mortifying - (i think the ex is an excuse i dont know?)i mean how screwed up is this - really - i am just really baffled and a bit lost for words by the whole thing coupled with the fact that nothing happened and he could just have text me back to say sorry etc and i would have been fine with it i really thought this stuff was over with now at my age and he should know better but clearly not i dont hate him or anything im not like that i just GENUINELY do not understand and feel awful cos he doesnt like me due to the chemistry or something as my friend says that he maybe just wanted to be friends with you if the chemistry isnt there you cant make it happen - but it was there in that room and he did plenty to show me by his actions and the things he said anyway a bit of clarity and help would be so appreciated as i cant forget about it, hence me asking a guy for their advice and i still think of those things he said - its so RARE TO MEET someone you get on with and have a connection with that is beyond the bed and whats the point in meeting someone like this if it tunrs to mush- there is more to add to this but i wont bore you with it anymoremany many thanks x
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drunk, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, kissing, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): You should really chill out about this guy. There is no more advice to give. Really. It is pretty much unanimous; most people who posted an see you are reading way too much into one evening and you seem hell bent on proving something exist which does not infact exist. It's happened to me before too, it sucks, but you are torturing yourself for nothing.
If you want more positive advice, go find yourself a fortune cookie or an eight ball...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif anyone else would like to help me with this please do more advice the better
thank you xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhmm all good points thanks i know what a player is and if he was then he was a different one im use to or come across - oh well ill never know - i am stupid for going along with it but i wasnt to know he wouldnt be in touch again - i had no reason not to at that point anyway i might have to text him to see if he has my earring as its sentimental but im sure he would have let me know dont want him thinking im using it as an excuse when im clearly not being in another country thanks for your help - who knows why he did what he did and then regretted it ... x
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 He shows MANY of the characteristics of a player.
Players are good at speeding up the stages from initial meeting place to the bedroom. They may say things that they think you want to hear, they will try to make you as comfortable with them as possible. They try to make the transition from a venue to their bedroom seamless... often with an excuse to check out something at their house, followed by a seemingly innocent seat on the bed, kissing, massaging, then ultimately sex.
A good player will escalate things so smoothly that a girl won't even care its happening as it just feels so right. Players are good at making girls feel that there is a "connection/attraction" between them to help speed up this escalation. He may be overly complimentary, purposefully show signs of commitment and that he'll hang around... these things can make a woman more comfortable, but ultimately, the end game is sex.
You said that you think that he knew that he wasn't getting sex that night... now if he was looking for a one night stand and then discovered that he wasn't going to get it, I'd expect the stock standard player response would be to find an excuse to leave.
It really could be that simple. Don't take it personally, I'm almost positive that it wasn't you... unless you said something like "where is this relationship going" or "lets have a baby together" that would have freaked him out instantly. Lets also not forget that he was drunk and sex was CLEARLY on his mind... you don't ask for a massage if you aren't after sex... not after just meeting someone, I can assure you.
Sorry, but that's the best explanation I've got.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks thats fine but do you think it was me??? ie: personal / attraction chemistry just a bit of an insight into his behavoiur not that its over i just want it explained a little true or not so i can justify it in my head thats all thanks x
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (11 January 2011):
You need to accept that things are over with this guy. It sucks, it really does and I feel for ya, but obviously something is wrong in this equation otherwise it would have progressed. I'm not entirely sure why you're so hell bent on finding out what exactly went wrong... Whether he still isn't over his ex, whether he got back with his ex, whether he was drunk, whatever... the reason is irrelevant... it doesn't matter, there's nothing you can do now but move on.
Sorry for the brute honesty but the faster you accept that there is no future with this guy, the faster you'll be able to find a guy who'll want to take things past the initial meeting and into something more.
You're now suffering from analysis paralysis... the cure... stop analyzing stuff that you're in no position to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionany guys can you help please??? thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan anyone help me with some advice? I feel I'm going mad thank you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks but yes these are not the answers I had hoped for for 1 he was not in toxicated 2 its not that I've blown it up all I would like is a reason why a guy would do all this and then freak out - most people I've told think he isn't over the ex etc hence me asking for a male perspective and I don't care if he isn't thinking about me I just want some ending to it myself as I feel like I dreamt it which I didn't and I'm know thinking he didn't like me and that its personal! As why didn't he follow up......Like I said there is more to this just over a week later we decided to go back to the club to put an end to that disastrous night I was leaving so didn't want my memory of the place to be of that awful night and we were having a great nice UNTIL my guy shows up for a performance I was mortifed didn't think hesd be there it was hideous - as we were right at the front. When he realised I was there I could tell he must have been emabrressed and i sat there calmy, no reaction at all - yes his performace was a bit rocky and he did aknowldge us and looked at me but it wasn't great and then he lefft straikght away which he never does - SO IF IM NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY what do I do, My friend was well done, u were great u handled that so well but I was just thinking he obv has issuesThen a week after that I realised I left something v important at his house so had to text him to ask him for it he replied straight away I wasn't over friendly I didn't even say hi and he was like oh hi ill look for it tonight, hope your well where did u leave it etc etc I told him and thanked him for lookinhg and he was nice on the text which he could have been in 1st place and I wished him a nice xmas then 2 days later at 11pm on xmas day a Text from him saying happy xmas couldn't find it sure u left it to which I thought he was wanting to start a conversation textinhg and thinking of me on xmas day???? So I just said never mind thanks for looking hope u had a nice day and guess what NO REPLY So I'm utterly confused its a head screwer I don't know what his problem is and I'm just confused so even though ill try forget him like I said I don't meet people that I really like and shows me signs back that often so its disappointing that its come to this. Thanks and help xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Sometimes you believe the "connection" is there because you want it so badly to be there.
Either you can be angry and believe you were used and got played
Or you can see that he is emotionally conflicted, he had a great and sexually tense evening with you and then realized he was not over his ex.
You are remembering this evening like it was a romance novel and you are upset that he didn't fall in love with you and you didn't get beyond chapter 1. This is partly due to him being a drama queen and suggesting that you are about "falling in love". Perhaps he was being sarcastic or ironic?
Who talks about love and arranging visas (while intoxicated) on a first date and means it? In most similar contexts, saying such a thing while intoxicated to a stranger would be "regrettable".
You can be thankful he didn't lie to you, use you for sex, and that you found out his real feelings in the end. Some people never get that sort of closure.
Perhaps you feel lonely and so you focus on this one guy and this one event. There will be others.
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reader, Jmtmj +, writes (11 January 2011):
I agree with Lexi I'm afraid... You've kinda turned a mole hill into a mountain and I can guarantee this guy is not thinking about you anywhere near as much as you are about him.
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reader, Lexie88 +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I'm not a guy but I'll give you my two cents.
You are too worked up over nothing. You're analysing a situation which he has probably forgotten by now.
This is what happened. He met a foreign girl who he liked the look of. For whatever reason you hit it off and he invited you back to his. No doubt about what he wanted (even if you think he didn't). Back at his place he got a sense that you wouldn't just sleep with him so he talked to you, messed around and so on. He wasn't going to push your limits but he did try (massage anyone?). In the end it was obvious he wouldn't get any from you so that was it. The kiss at the end, the giving you his number was out of politeness. He wasn't going to throw you out of his house, was he?
So then you text him. No reply = no interest. You text again. No reply. More evidence there's no interest. So let it go.
You've got it in your head that you had this amazing connection with him, when in reality it was nothing. Like he said 'nice hanging out with you.' And that's all it was, a few hours of nice 'hanging out.'
For some reason you're stuck on how caring he was, how he talked to you about family, etc. Those things mean nothing. He was doing all that in hopes he'd get something from you. Once it was clear you weren't going to sleep with him, all interest disappeared. He couldn't even text you back!
If I was you I wouldn't be wasting any more time of what happened and why. It doesn't matter. For you there was something there but for him you were just a possibility of sleeping with a foreigner.
Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I've offended you but men are simple. If they're genuinely interested they'll let you know. They won't ignore your texts. They won't invite you to their place and their bed on the first night of meeting you. If he felt this connection that you did, things would have turned out differently.
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