A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 46 and am regularly told I look 36 and am 'beautiful'. I don't wear much make up and wear pretty plain clothes and I've never been one to use what I look like to get any advantage - most of the time I'm pretty oblivious to it, but I'm also, curiously, almost constantly aware of being assessed by others. It's as if I can't "own" my own looks; they mean nothing to me personally but I'm aware they somehow do to others. I also have a 26 year old daughter.When I tell people I have a daughter the first question is always "how old is she?" If a woman asks me, usually the next question is "how old were you when you had here?" and then I see them quickly calculate my age and look at me again - with a great many women this is done for competitive reasons. If a man asks me how old my daughter is, there is usually a VERY awkward few moments, where you can see he is thinking "God, how old IS she?" I've had this countless times. The nicest response I ever had was from a lovely guy, 13 years younger than me, who just said: "that seems totally impossible, you only look 26 yourself" - and younger guys can sometimes be sweet in this way, but I've also had experiences of them looking for a woman who is strong and will look after them, take the lead, which is not what I want - I did this with my last partner who was a Mummy's boy - and he was cruel and ignored my daughter most of the time we were together - and I was worn out by the end.This has affected me all my life as a single mum - I've always looked younger and I've always had people judge me for being a single Mum. When I moved to London, just graduated with a first class honours degree and funding to train to be a teacher, I couldn't find anywhere to rent a home because no one would rent out to single parents. The judgement now is not quite as severe for young Mum's, but I find that the way I look makes it harder for me; I work and live in a very middle class area of life, often coming into contact with very wealthy people and, to be honest, the judgement is worse coming from those people because it's as if I've lowered the tone and should feel ashamed. I had one women from Poland once say to me: people should be giving you awards for what you've coped with and done, not making you feel ashamed, it's ridiculous.The last time I was judged by a guy was last week at our works' Xmas do. I was aware he was interested in me in THAT way and I liked him, we got on well, and although he is in no way a good looking man, I liked his personality. just before I mentioned I had a daughter, he'd hinted that he'd like to meet up over the Xmas holidays. As soon as I told him he asked : How old is she? And then, you see the familiar shock, the double take and the confusion. I texted him the next day to wish him a merry xmas and he made no mention of meeting up - which he'd been more than keen to do before.I've tried everything to stop these reactions, ranging from making jokes to sometimes mentioned how IN THE PAST I've been very judged for being a single MUM ie. hinting to people that, these days, they really should just get over this kind of judgement as surely we're all above that now? I've worked incredibly hard. I've no family at all to support me and I was the first amongst all my friends to buy my own home because I was so sick of being ripped off by landlords. I now own my own home outright, I've never had assisted housing and my daughter's father's never paid a penny in maintenance. I look at men my own age whose careers are just a little better CV wise, than mine, and then find out that they've been able to get assisted housing - honestly, I know of so many people in my field of work who have lied to get this - so paying very low rents and yet are still moaning about the price of property - I don't judge them but they do judge me. I had to accept that my career would take some knocks because I had to prioritise my daughter but, even so, I am still 'in the running', only just behind people without the responsibility of a child. And I now in future I can make big leaps in my career because my daughter's grown up now and there's nothing to hold me back, except people's judgements. I used to get terribly upset about the way people would judge me, instantly, thinking "Oh, she's much older than I thought and she's not got that great a CV for her age" and now, I just start to feel angry that, after all this time of judging single parents, there's still this huge taboo - recently I was at a social function and the Head of Department was there - I was chatting away with him and the issue of children came up - he has young kids but is older than me. When I told him how old my child was I could sense he was thinking "Whaaaaaaattt?????" and I now worry that he will realise I'm older than he thought and, rather than taking into account that I've worked so hard to bring up a child, will judge me instead for not having achieved enough for my age. I know people might think this is strange of me, but I honestly had to give up telling potential employers that I had a child because, when I was first starting out in college, I couldn't get a job. As soon as I did NOT reveal I had a child I got a job straight away. My single parent status simply spoils people's fantasy of me as a young, intelligent and pretty woman with a great future - they just can't cope with the idea of it.Today there's so much emphasis on accepting different ethnicities, different sexualities and so on. At work we have a huge community of gay men who are all so happy and supportive of one another and all accepted by everyone. But there's never any positive representation of single parent hood and never any political drive to have it accepted by others. I've never met any woman in a similar position. When I was younger I felt that I was experiencing hidden racism - there was no way to even prove that it was happening - and today I still feel like this, but it usually comes to a head through being judged by these men who are otherwise attracted to me.My friends all tend to be people who have endured racism or are gay men who at least understand what it's like to be very judged.How should I deal with the men who respond to me like this? I want a partner who is caring and know I can really love someone back. I don't really flirt, I'm quite quiet and just hard working but I'm now very skilled in making people feel at ease and very confident chatting to people. It seems that I'm really respected for my brain and personality and men get attracted to me and then just can't "compute" when they find out how old my daughter is" - they do a U turn. I'm so tired of dealing with it and what upsets me is that this is coming from highly intelligent, supposedly very open minded people.I stayed in an abusive relationship for nearly two decades because, I see now, my partner KNEW I was very sensitive to others judging me and that I had very low self esteem as a result. He would even use the fact of my daughter against me when he sensed another man was interested in me. When I was younger I had lots of nice guys interested in me but it was the same story - if they found out I'd a daughter, they were off like a shot - but sometimes I realised my boyfriend would say things like "Linda's left her daughter at home tonight" in front of these men who were getting too flirty for his liking - knowing that this would kick start a suspicion in their minds. He even once made it seem like I really had left my daughter alone, at the age of six, whilst I went out partying - which wasn't true, but the reaction of the men involved really gave me a bit of a hang up about this.I'd really appreciate responses, especially from men. I don't know if the point is that I'm just supposed to be tougher about all of this. I got married at 18 to escape a very abusive family life, and I genuinely loved my husband but he never worked and became an alcoholic. I had my daughter at 20, but I think people assume I was an unmarried, teenage Mum and they have a huge amount of judgement about that, which I think is so unfair on the Mum's involved - the men involved walk away with no tarnish to their reputation at all and it's simply not fair - women are branded for life, it seems. If I was a man doing what I've done I KNOW without doubt I'd be hailed as a hero. Because I'm a woman I'm seen as damaged goods and looked down on.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Yes be tougher , what's the big deal. I am in exactly the same position , with an most identical ages of me and my kids to yours ... And the exact same responses!!!!! Except I have 4 grown kids ANd several grandchildren and I'm 45!
So what! Who cares who people think. When women ask my age ( which is rude btw) I tell them not to worry. When men are shocked and compliment I just say thank you and move on with my day
Like you, I am also well educated and smart . I simply don't care what others think
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): I am an older but younger looking attractive (told frequently) professional mum with my own business and home. I worked to get where I am and gained two degrees. I get all the usual comments "So were you 13 when you had him" about my 27 year old son. No I was 22. Like my mum I have aged well. I missed out on love for years devoting myself to my son and my career but still feel the sting of such flippant comments but less so now.
One simple answer to all this has helped me. Rise above it all and brush it off if you can. Just reply "My mum doesn't look her age either"
I think a lot of this is your anxiety within you. You feel over sensitive because you have fought all your adult life to provide. It's time to let go. Take those comments with a smile and as a compliment. If people are too personal brush it off or say "I'm so fortunate I get on really well with my daughter" Change the tune of the conversation. It really works. And well done for your achievements. Be proud and stand tall. Your looks like mine will fade and are only skin deep.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Sorry i dont really see what the problem is here. I am in a similar situation to you.
I am a few years younger than you, am told i am very attractive. No one can ever believe my age and that i have children at the ages of 26, 24 and 23. I also have a 6 year old grandaughter.
People often ask me is my son at 24 my boyfriend, i just reply no he is my son. I know a gent that actually crys when he sees me as he cannot believe that i have a grandaughter at 6 years.
Some women can actually be good looking into their fifties.
Take everything as a compliment, i do!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2014): Dear no nonsense AidanYou are completely 100% correct.I am so grateful that you took the time to respond.Today, Xmas day, I'm with my beautiful daughter and feel blessed that I'm so lucky to have her. 100% you are right about my anger towards society and yes, I let the abusive relationship go on for far too long due to low self esteem.I needed just one person to say the things to me that you said. I was actually frightened to read the response in case I was judged all over again. But you are just completely accurate in what you say.Over the next year I am going to really focus on dropping my insecurities and anger and judgements of others and not look to be judged, but just take pride in what I've achieved.Thank you so much, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (24 December 2014):
Season’s greetings. I read all of this post and to be honest I don’t get it. What I read were several accounts of people being surprised by the age of your daughter, and it seems like this is because you look young for your age. Isn’t that a complement? Okay, maybe they are surprised, and maybe some men disappear because they’re not interested in some-one with kids. But this isn’t a judgement, or a criticism, they’re just surprised because perhaps they misjudged what your age was, or perhaps they just didn’t expect you to have had a child at a young age. Surprise doesn’t equate to criticism though. Saying that, “sorry, kids aren’t for me,” isn’t a criticism of you. I think the truth is that you have assumed people are going to judge you, and you’re on alert all the time for it. The first sniff of anything that might indicate surprise or uncertainty, or any rejection if it turns out you’re not in the age range they are interested in, and you will immediately take it as an attack. I suspect this is because your self esteem remains low and means you find it hard to take pride in your achievements, or allow yourself to believe that anyone else can view them, and you, with respect. I don’t doubt for a second being a single parent was hard. I don’t doubt that it’s got easier in recent decades as society is more accepting and tolerant, but I also don’t doubt that this is progress towards an end point that’s still far off. It’s still really tough.
I would encourage you to think very carefully about what evidence you actually have, that when people make a judgement, or an assumption about you, it implies they are criticising you. Think about whether actually you are projecting your own insecurities on to them, and legitimating those insecurities by blaming other people for causing them, rather than trying to get to their root. I think their root probably is found in the abusive relationship in which you remained for a long time. Even if you did find it hard to find work and felt that you had to keep your parental status quiet in the past, try and let go of your resentment about that. Yes, it’s bad. Yes, I’m sure people do have those thoughts about employing a woman with children, or who might get pregnant soon. I know that’s wrong, but there are so many imperfections in our society and it takes time for those to be completely corrected. You should look forward: your daughter is grown up with her own life, so now’s the time for yours. Focus on your career, date people who don’t mind that you had a child (on-line dating is a good way to filter out those who are no good, by the way), and start living for you. I think you would benefit from some counselling, not because you fail to recognise that your past relationship was abusive, but because I think you could do with a safe environment where you can be helped to explore the lasting impact that has had on you. If a controlling partner has re-enforced the idea that no-one else will be interested in you, and exploited your sensitivity and vulnerability that you had as a single parent, it’s clear that it’s going to be hard to let go of that anger and not be convinced that there is truth to that.
There are no quick fixes for your problems, partly because you are rightly angry about society’s imperfections and failings, and partly because you’re suffering the legacy of a troubled relationship that I don’t think you’ve got to grips with yet. But as you reached out to this site I would really encourage you to look at some counselling, and to give people the benefit of the doubt a bit more. You’ll never live in a world where people won’t make judgements, we make them every day of our lives. But I’m not convinced you’re being judged as harshly by anyone else as you are judging yourself.
I wish you all the very best and a happy Christmas
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