A
female
age
41-50,
*oragirl
writes:I have been feeling really down. I got remarried, everything was really good in the beginning. But now, I do everything. I work two jobs, i watch a baby during the day, and do hair on side. I also have 2 children of my own, and my husband has a daughter. My husband recently got laid off due to him getting into some trouble for something that happened a long time ago. So he has to take classes during week for 3 hours total, and has work project on sat, sun. I pay for everything, do all housework, and work. He will sleep till 11 everyday, and watch t.v., or is on his phone while im doing everything. He is very angry, negative and takes it out on us regularly. Never acts appreciative to me.If i ask him to do anything he gets annoyed. On top of that, we prob have sex 3 times a month, if im lucky. I am a very giving, loving person. I don't know how much more a can take! What advice do you give? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 Given his response to his to your questions, I think you are on the right track.
I think what is going to make a difference in your relationship is:
1) Can you guys manage on a budget without making you work 24-7?
2) Will your husband be able to find a new job -- any job -- to help support his family?
3) Will he make do on his promise to help out while looking for work?
You are going to have good days -- much like the one you had today -- and not so good days. The important thing is to realize that your husband is trying to do better and he understands the problems that you are facing. Given that he is at least trying, I think you'll eventually have a change of luck, and things will get better.
In the meantime, physical intimacy will return. I am sure he has a lot on his mind and you are tired too. Again, I think once you have the burden of money worries removed you'll be burning your bedroom up again. In the meantime, try to carve out some time to even just go for a walk in the park or have a quick bite to eat somewhere on the cheap. By sharing emotional intimacies and time together, the physical intimacy will eventually come around.
Just be patient -- you didn't get in this state overnight, so there isn't going to be a quick fix here.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Moragirl +, writes (31 July 2013):
Moragirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely think he is depressed. He even said it himself. He has been through a lot in the past two years. It's very hard for him to get a job right now, because of these obligations he has now from the trouble he got into a few years back. He would only be able to work few hours on a couple days, and he will be receiving unemployment. We just haven't gotten it yet. I did talk with him yesterday after the post. He says he knows that he needs to help me way more. He said he doesn't want to be like this and he loves me very much. He did help out a lot yesterday. Laundry and helped rearrange our living room. Even ran some errands for me. He said he wants to change and move in right direction. But also said if he doesn't remember everyday cuz he has so much on his plate, could I remind him? I haven't had the best luck in past cuz he would get irritated if I said something before. I'm trying to stay supportive and help him through this. I guess I got a good response. Now i'd like the intimacy to come back. What do you think about what happened?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): I have been in situation before and know how you feel. It can get very upsetting and frustrating. You should sit him down and lay your cards on the table. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you need help and how you feel unsupported.See what he says. I did that with my ex and he said that he is already doing enough but in essence I was doing everything he did not help with any bills, or with the kids nothing. On top of that he was verbally abusive to me when I would ask for help. So when he said that I told him I can't live like this anymore and that we were over. He did not fight for it he just said ok. I left my house for a week so he could move his things out. I came back at the end of the week and changed my locks. My fresh start beganI felt so much better after me and the kids were so much happier. They could see how unhappy I was in that relationship. I wanted to go to University for years when I was with him he constantly discouraged me. I've just graduated from University now with a first class degree and in a really good job now.Don't let your kids see you being treated like this. You are a role model for them. Good luck let me know how you get on x
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (31 July 2013):
I truly feel for you. It is always rough when the marriage is new and to have these kinds of problems. You are still getting settled in your new life and then reality throws you a major curve ball.
It sounds like you have your hands full with things and at the rate you are going, you are going to wind up embittered and angry. Here are my suggestions:
1) Huddle with your husband and tell him you need help. He needs to be helping out just as much as you, OR willing to make sacrifices. Do NOT come off as a nag, but remind him you are a team with children to take care of. You and the children need his help and cooperation.
2) Look for ways to trim your budget so you don't have to work 2 jobs. There are usually a LOT of things you really don't need in your life and now might be the time to figure that out. Sometimes people don't have an earning problem -- but a spending problem.
3) My guess is that your husband is taking out his frustrations because he isn't providing for you AND he is unemployed. For men, a lot of our self-worth comes from our earnings and whether or not we are employed. Try to understand where he is at right now.
4) Remember true love knows no bounds when it comes to giving. I know it is hard one to swallow, but do keep it in mind. Hopefully your husband is trying to find employment and is trying to help out (if not, then sadly I think you are finding out the true colors of your husband).
Finally, you may want to consider getting a therapist to work through some of the communication problems as well as expectations. If your husband is unemployed, he should be doing double duty around the house... (while he is looking for work too)... Also, gently remind him that you are a team and you are both there for one another...
Hopefully you will catch a break soon.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Its sounds to me that your husband is taking advantage of your efforts. You're married so you should do everything to try and come to a compromise. Perhaps sit down and create lists of fair duties, since he is not working and broken, he could get a part time if not full time temp job to help out. He shouldn't expect you to do everything! Maybe he has emotionally 'checked out' due to depression? Wad he a hard worker before or did he always take the lazy approach? Hopefully with some effort and taking to you can resolve things. It' sounds like there are a lot of kids involved which need to learn from good examples. If you were a housewife before and had a part-time job and he worked full time, perhaps he is struggling to get used to his new role? This doesn't give him the right to treat you this way, he needs to change. My advise is not to nag, talk it out.
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