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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi allI need some advice on how to improve sex/intimacy with my husband. ( He's 37, I am 30. No kids. )We've been together for 8 years and we love each other to bits. All is well except when it comes to sex and affection. He has always had trouble "holding it in", a.k.a he comes very quickly and I am ok with that but I do need other stuff to be fulfilled. I have given him the nicest possible hints, telling him how good he makes me feel (which is true) and how I would love it if he did this or that. I have given him directions on how to give me oral etc (I don't say "you're doing it wrong", I say stuff like "that feels great, wanna try doing it like this and see what it does to me".) He just doesn't take a hint. I have asked him what he would prefer when reciprocating, telling him "I love doing this to you, tell me if there's something you want me to try". I have tried different approaches and techniques but I don't get much feedback or assuarance that it's working 'cause - and this bothers me - he is pretty much mute in bed. I love to moan and say dirty things and while I know it's not for everyone, I would like to be aware that I am making my man feel good. I love to kiss him and hold him and touch him and not just sexually, but it seems that he takes it as foreplay and I think I speak for all women when I say that cuddling and kissing is highly important to a woman AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO LEAD TO SEX. Why can't (some) men see that? I feel a bit rejected since I have so much affection and desire towards my man but I am starting to feel like A)he doesn't really care about sex and affection B) he doesn't care about me being satisfied C) he is not that attracted to me anymore. I mean, if you love your wife shouldn't it matter to you whether she is sexually content or not? Does he think that I am bad in bed and I should "just know" what to do? Is it my fault? I haven't been presurring him into anything or making him feel guilty. I just don't really look forward to sex anymore, I am unable to relax in bed. I am sexually frustrated for sure but most of all I am emotionally hurt that my man doesn't care enough to give me affection. When he really does cuddle me properly (maybe once every 6 months) I always tell him how good it feels and how much I love it and he seems pleased but still doesn't do it more frequently. I cuddle him and kiss him all the time and he enjoys it but it's not fair like that. And kissing - a very important thing to me but I get kissed properly (avec tongue) very rarely and usually it happens when he's had a couple drinks. I feel unattractive! Does my guy feel the need to be drunk to make out with me? It's just wrong! I don't know what to do to improve the situation. I really don't. I am still young and actually kinda hot as well, dammit, and I need to feel loved and wanted and appreciated. And yes I know for sure I could get that from someone else if I wanted to but I don't want affection from another man I want it from my own man whom I love.The worst part is that he won't talk about it, no matter how gently I have eased him into the topic. Once when he was drunk (he doesn't really drink that much or that often, thought I'd mention that 'cause the booze seems to come up in this story a bit) he said to me: "you must be sexually very disappointed in me" and I asked him what made him say that but he didn't reply and then he dropped the subject. I tried asking about it the nex day, asking what he had meant but he once again changed the subject. Another dead end.Now, if anyone has any idea as to how I could deal with this situation, please let me know! I am running out of ideas. I love my guy so much and I want to be with him 4ever but we have to be able to fix this thing. The frustration and the feeling of rejection is making me irritable and snippy and the tension is building up. And yes I am getting kinda sick of masturbating. As we all know it fulfills a different need. Satisfying sex with someone you love is essential in life, at least for me it is. That is the key here. I don't want to have sex for the sake of sex - I want to have it with my own beautiful, fabulous man and not some random bloke. I really wish we could rectify the problem but I don't know how. Talking - no. Counceling - no. Hinting - no. Guiding - no. I am starting to feel like the only option here is to just flat out say what I am saying here but I know that it would probably just make us both feel like crap. Too much honesty can kill ya.Am I selfish for feeling like this? Should I just accept that this is an area in our relationship that is not that great, and just appreciate all the good things? I feel guilty for feeling this way. Am I asking too much?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LONELY ONE  +, writes (23 December 2008):
Wow, I am freaking out. My husband keeps telling me that I am weird and that I am the only person that feels this way cause I need it and everything else more than any woman on the planet. I am 30 and my husband is 37 and the only difference in these stories is that we have 3 kids (10, 7, and 18 months old). We have a lot on our plate but when we first met (for 2 months) he was wonderful but now together/married for 9 years he does not want to have sex, not the act anyway, he has no problem with the masturbating or giving him oral but it's a job for him to return that favour. In fact the other night I started to approach him and I just felt so good in his arms and I began kissing him and he did not kiss me back after like five minutes so I said why aren't you kissing me back and I was still trying to get some and he looks up and in an angry loud voice says "this is taking too long". Again I was only trying for like five minutes but I immediately started crying.I couldn't even sleep in bed with him. We also fight because he would rather masturbate himself than come to me because it takes too long for him. If anyone gives you good advice I would love for you to pass it on because I feel like your twin sister and I am hopelessly lonely too. Keep the faith, I'm trying. I just don't know how much more I can take beforfe I pack my bags and leave, (Yes, it's that important). Good luck to you and I'm sorry I could not help and you have your own problems and probably did not need to hear mines but I could not believe it when I read my story through someone else.Lonely one...
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (4 October 2008):
 I meant to ask you what star sign you and your husband were. Is he an Aquarius by any chance? (Hey not a bad thing to all Aquarius men out there, but it would explain a lot! lol)
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 October 2008):
Does he ever initiate sex with you or are you always the one to do this? My suggestion to both of you is to refrain from intercourse for 2 full weeks. In the first week you can touch one another anywhere except the genital region, cuddle up together, rub and kiss one another but NO GENITAL TOUCHING AT ALL! He tends to ejaculate quickly and I'm sure this will be as annoying to him as it is to you, it could also be, subconsciously making him feel like a failure in some way because he can't hold off for longer.
Let him know you want to try this "experiment" for 2 weeks but stick to it rigidly. Caressing is fine, kissing is fine but no intercourse or touching of the genitalia for the first week. With no penetration involved you might find that he enjoys holding you and concentrating on other parts of your body more. If he DOES go to touch your genitals then guide him away from them. By the end of the first week BOTH of you will be desperate for one another.
After the first week then the genitals can be touched too, this can be done by hand or oral but NO PENETRATION or INTERCOURSE whatsoever! If you can stick to this for just 2 weeks (which I know will be frustrating for you) then after the 2 week period is over you will both be desperate for one another again. Plan a nice meal, look your best and let him know that tonight is the night when you can both go "all the way". Doing this from time to time makes you both realise just how precious sexual intimacy is to one another. It also makes you both appreciate one anothers bodies more as you get to know what stimulates and turns on the other without the genital touching involved. Try it and let me know how it goes. (winks)
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): Poor baby..of course you aren't asking too much...its just that men can be (how do I say this nicely?) DUMB. They really don't have a clue what us woman, want, need, desire. And talking to them?? HA! I always liken it to us talking to a dog..they hear "John..blah blah blah..John..ect"...I've been where you are..still are where you are...(lol..but not really funny!). Guys are very sensitive about this kind of thing..and yes, they often shut down no matter how nicely we try to approach it. I'm like you, I have a fantastic man, love him to pieces, but after 8 years, he STILL doesn't have a clue but with gentle prodding is getting better....have you tried perhaps kindly directing him to an article about this subject? a tv show? Just a thought..When you talk to a man, its like walking on egg shells, I know. They try to act cool, but they don't want to hear what we don't like, or what they do wrong, no matter how gently we might approach it BUT.. My best advice..KEEP TRYING!!! Just say "you know honey, I love you so much, and I know you love me, but sometimes I don't feel it so much, but if you could sometimes (Put in whatever you want him to do)..it would be so wonderful! I tried this approach with my guy and he has become much more affectionate. Men just aren't like us girls..physical to them means sex..they don't understand that we like a hug, a kiss, a cuddle..it makes us feel special. I hope this helps you. I'm 47, been married, divorced, and in a relationship for 8 years and I'm STILL learning! Good luck sweetie..don't give up!
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A
male
reader, Monkey76 +, writes (4 October 2008):
Wow! It is obvious from your post how this situation is really beginning to grind you down!
I would quite simply say that sexual compatability is probably THE most important thing in a relationship to me!
This isn't a statement from an overegoed, red blooded male!
I believe that there is no greater feeling than two sexually content adults entwined and tired and satisfying each others appetites.
When two people share the most intimate act possible and are both satisfied it literally is like exploding fireworks!
Did your husband satisfy you earlier in the relationship?
Or has your sexual appetite/desire increased?
Are you missing something you had before or something you have never had at all?!
Like you I believe in loyalty and I was aware of this theme throughout your post! But I also believe that truth is the best policy and I believe that you should move onto pastures green!
Not for the sake of forfilling a quest to satisfy your sexual appetite and sexual desires but to be truer to yourself by recognising that your husband is probably never gonna do it for you in the bedroom department!
I'm sure you may get some advice that says he has psycological problems or stress!
But the reality of the matter by the sounds of it you've tried all the usual advise(it nice when you do that rubbish etc.)and it hasn't worked!
Everyone is looking for Mr/Mrs perfect, there isn't such a thing!
OK so you might find a man who's great in bed but rubbish at everything else!
I think you should finish the relationship and be done with it!
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