A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here's our situation: not having sex. I am about 50 lbs overweight. I have been working on losing it but it's going very slowly (I have lost 20 so far). My husband has told me I'm unattractive--yet he still wants sex with me and says he still loves me and wants our marriage to work (we have kids). His natural scent, which used to entice me, now makes me gag. we have not had sex in going on 4 months. Don't get me wrong, I give him lots of blow jobs, and I've offered anal but he turned it down so much that I've stopped offering. I do not want oral sex from him. I avoid him as much as I can and sometimes I sleep on the couch just so I won't have to sleep next to him and be touched by him in his sleep. I avoid him apart from family meals and keep myself busy with the kids, my friends and my hobbies -- for example, geocaching, which he thinks is lame--he thinks all of my hobbies are dumb and refuses to share any with me. Then he complains that I need to get out more and exercise, yet schemes to keep me home by making more housework for me and accuses me of cheating if I walk the dog for longer than an hour or want to take the car out at night. I am not cheating, but I would rather walk through the frozen woods in the dark than get into another fight where he insults me and then have to accept his apology because he "loves" me "so much" and "didn't mean it". If only he loved me as much as he loved all his things, or as much as he loves our children. When I think about him I don't feel angry, just incredibly sad. We were never friends in the first place, and I don't want to be friends or lovers with him now at all. I love sex, but I'd rather have sex with myself than sex with someone who I'm just a hole to. Should I just tell him he has a free pass to sleep with other women?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2014):
 Opening up your marriage is not going to fix anything, quite the opposite.
YOU weight is not what has "broken" this marriage either. So in that sense it's NOT your fault the marriage is falling apart.
YOU are both not happy with each other, but because of familiarity and kids you two think you have to stick it out.
You have without a doubt fallen out of love with your husband, and you aren't attracted to him either, and I DO NOT think it's just his scent, I think it's his overall treatment of you. In and out of the bedroom.
Stop having sex with him. Decide if there is ANYTHING worth working n and saving, if not... PUT yourself first and divorce him. Staying for the kids? Doesn't help the kids if you are BOTH miserable together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): Your marriage doesn't exist anymore, you know that. The fact that you are unwillingly give him blow jobs means nothing.,you are doing it only because he wants it.
The fact that his smell disgusts you means that he turns you off by his behavor. Smell is a very good indication on how opposites sex feel toward each each ther.,you are not attracted to him anymore because he is awfull to you. He doesn't approves of your hobbies, why? He doesn't have to participate in them, but to sabotage it it's just not nice at all. And name calling, I hope he is not doing in front of the kids.
Overall your marriage is over. To let him sleep with other women is not a solution..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): I wonder why you're not simply considering ending the marriage? This is unhealthy and quite simply FULL of psychological and emotional abuse.
People sometimes think they'll stick at it for the same of their kids, but do you want your children to grow up thinking this relationship is normal? Your daughters would think it was ok for a man to treat them as he treats you, sons would go on to treat women like this...and there's always the argument that it doesn't happen in front of children but I guarantee you that they are aware. Children are switched on and can read situations often better than a lot of adults.
You are allowing him to manipulate and control you, you'll lose weight and even then it probably won't be good enough. Shouldn't a relationship be about a person adding something to your life? Someone you can share happy times and hobbies with? Yeah not all relationships are rosy but ultimately if someone is denying you freedom as a person and is insulting you frequently - to the point you can't bear to even share your bed with him.
Please think of yourself and your own happiness, this is not healthy.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 December 2014):
Divorce sounds like a much better alternative here than anything else. Does not sound like much of a marriage and you are both piling on more problems than solutions as time progresses.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 December 2014):
I think you should tell him that he has a free pass to find someone else to abuse and to treat like trash. He is abusing you whether you see it or not. Putting down your wife, telling her she is unattractive, criticising her and her interests and accusing her of cheating wrongly, is abuse. Whether you are overweight or not is not the issue here. Whether he doesnt like your hobbies or not, is not of any importance either. People dont have to share all the same interests in order to have a happy marriage, if he thought you needed to lose weight he could encourage you to exercise together or take up a class. Instead he is controlling you by accusing you of cheating and by trying to keep you in the house as much as possible.Im not saying all this to make you feel bad or worse, believe me that is not my intention. I am angry on your behalf that someone can manipulate you into thinking you are "not good enough" somehow. You deserve so much better than this and you deserve to be happy. Your weight doesnt come into it because you are still loveable and deserving of love regardless. Please consider getting things organised so that you can leave him if he doesnt change. He needs to respect you and stop treating you like a sex toy. Best wishes and please keep us updated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): This all sounds very unhealthy. I don't know what is going on with him but I think you should rethink the marriage entirely. He tells you to improve yourself but he does not seem to want you to succeed. You are working on improving yourself but you don't seem to want him anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): My advice ... Only do this if you to are prepared and wanting to meet and have sex with other men who actually find you desirable . This can't be a one way street. Either both do it or neither do it
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