A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiancée and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years and have seen one another almost every day since the beginning, total commitment to one another. She’s in her late 40’s I’m in my early 50’s. She’s been married twice before and me once. Both of us have been divorced for about 8 years. After around 10 months into our relationship we started to have a normal and excellent sexual relationship. We didn’t jump right into it. After a year of being together I proposed and she accepted. I do love her very much. Our plans were to be married last November that came and went because she wasn’t quite ready. Last February she started talking seriously about getting married. That passed uneventful still without a firm date. I’m ready anytime. I have not been pressuring her on the issue realizing she’s a little gun shy from her two previous failed marriages. A couple months ago she attended a Marriage class held by her church. Now here is where the problem begins.A month ago while having dinner she hits me with how she’s going to stop having sex with me until we are married. She asked how I felt about her decision. I told her of course I don’t like it but there’s nothing I can do about it if that’s her choice. We still have no firm date on when we will be married. She still wants to kiss, snuggle and also wants me to sleep with her without making love. I tried but I can’t do that without being aroused which turns into frustration and resentment. I now refuse to put myself in that situation and have told her so and why. Her response was she really likes just cuddling and kissing with me. I told her if she wants me to abstain from sex and respect her religion based choice (which I don’t share) then I have to avoid situations that cause me to be sexually aroused. She doesn’t fully understand that or at least pretends not to. Now I’m beginning to get very frustrated over this both sexually and otherwise. I feel like the bond of intimacy between us has been broken. Also thoughts that if she can do this to me now what surprises can she spring on me in the future that I will have no control or say so in the matter. Did I mention there is still no firm date for the wedding? The wedding has already been put off for 9 months with no new date in sight. I’m wondering now if it will ever happen. I do love her very much but recently I have been weighing the possibilities of being sexually abstinent for a long period of time and maybe for no reason. That may sound like I’m only in the relationship for sex alone which is not true. However at my age sex is very important because it’s all down hill from here. I really would like to enjoy what sex life I still have while I still have the desire and ability without the aid of pharmaceuticals. I’ve told her how I feel about this, it’s not like we are 20 something on our first stroll around the block. The clock is ticking,,,,LOUD! I’m wondering should I give this more time which is very valuable to me at this stage of the game or let the heartache begin so I can sooner than later get on with my life while I can still live it to the fullest as a normal sexual human being ?
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female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (21 July 2011):
I'm going to be honest that this doesn't look good. I think anyone would resent being abstinent for 9 months, it's not unreasonable and definitely does not show you're only in it for the sex. Your partner should really be aware of how much she is asking and to be honest it doesn't seem like she is.
I would be very wary of continuing your relationship with this woman. If sex means a lot to you and you want to make the most of this time then I'd really consider finding someone else. This behaviour isn't exactly normal and could well be a sign of things to come.
If she means a lot to you then I think the fairest thing you can do if you really want this relationship to work is to give her a deadline for a wedding date. Decide on a certain month and tell her that if she isn't ready by then, you doubt she ever will be and you aren't willing to wait for an indefinite period. Seeing as your original date was November, it really is now just becoming ridiculous and personally I think if it's taking her that long to 'feel ready' then she's either having doubts or is deliberately trying to drag this out.
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